i just created this account because i realised i had strong feelings for my best friend who is a girl and has a bf. i know i'm bi but i'm not so sure. i'm only 15 and i still have time to think about it. i have friends on my main gaia account who i know in real life and they don't know i'm bi or crushing on a girl cause i live in a homophobic place.
so the girl i like is my best friend. i known her for 3 years now? we both call each other nicknames and call each other the perfect best friend. we are in a group of best friends but we always had this connection and i would walk her home a lot. she's very touchy? our group would joke around saying she has a lesbian fetish or whatever. i never got the jokes but played around anyways. she likes to put her head on your shoulder, hold your hand while walking in public and hug you a lot but she's very shy about it to guys until she started dating her bf. they are really pda now and they have been going out for half a year now. she knows i don't like her bf and we had a argument when she said yes to him because she said she wasnt going to go out with him and she didnt tell me they were going out later. but its all solved now but all the arguments we had was because of her bf which was 3 arguments now?
she noticed her bf (this is before they started going out) liked her but she was confused if she liked him or not. she decided to say no if he did ask her out because he was pushing her away. she was really confused and suddenly said "we should be a lesbian couple. that would make things so much easier" and i couldn't help but feel my heart flip.
i think i was always attracted to her since we met but i didn't want to admit it due to the people around me (homophobic). but i finally came to a point where it's just too strong to avoid. i told one of my other best friend who is best friends with her who i know is not homophobic as she did not come from here and is very open minded. she actually admitted she liked the same girl 2 years ago but stopped feeling for her. so it was nice to talk to someone about it.
last month, i confessed to my best friend via instant messaging. it was a hard decision as she is with her first bf and they've been going out for 5 months then. i didn't want to be a homewrecker so it took me a long time to finally tell her. it didn't go so well. i told her i realized how much i cared for her and she was touched but i don't think she got how much i loved her neutral she said it won't change anything and she's touched i care about her so much. i guess i dragged the conversation cause i wanted her to know exactly how i felt. she was being real understanding and she said she wanted to stop the pain for me but she rejected me so i guess i got emotional and i started ranting about how everyone has someone they love (which was true at that moment). just reading what we said tears me up :S she said she wanted to move on. so after hours of talking i ended it with saying i just wanted her to love me back. ugh bad move, i know. she said she didnt want me to be upset and wanted to move on. a few days later, she said what i wanted (which was for her to love me back) was impossible. that was hard to swallow and then it just all went flying by and the conversation ended and we were back to normal. i never stopped liking her, i was just hurt a lot from what she said. what am i suppose to do if i can't give up on her even when she said it was impossible?

sorry it's so long and i will thank you forever if you helped me out redface