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 Posted: Sun May 10, 2009 5:39 pm
The gunfire was deafening, but the blood pounding in my ears was louder. My heart was racing with a cold fear that this might be the end. “Michael!” The sound of my name drilled into my head, washing over me like a freezing pail of water. I broke out of the trance fear had placed me in and turned to my sergeant, who was yelling in my ear.
“Listen carefully, O’shea. I need you to warn the base. Warn them that there is a bomb in the center quad. There must be a weasel. I need you to run, O’shea. I need you to run.” Before I could even think to reply though, a swishing sound whistled by my ears, and the sergeant was gone. In his place was a smoking pit of death. My eyes widened, my head was spinning. I ran. I ran faster than I ever had before, jumping over shattered wood, cracking glass, putting my training to the test. All that echoed through the crevasses of my mind was “Run.”
When I stumbled over a dead body I didn’t think a wit about it. All I knew was that I needed to run, to warn the base. Then, suddenly, a hand shot out at me, grasping my forearm and pulling me to the ground. I whirled around to see a man, his face masked by fear and pain. “Help…” His legs were gone, his voice was weak. I couldn’t help… I couldn’t help him…
I could see the base though. Peace awaited me as I scrambled away from the dying man and resounding cannons of gunfire and the piercing screams of agony. I was almost to the base. I could see it, feel it, just a little further. BANG! I jerked forward and fell to my knees. “Sarah…” I whispered.
My back was soaked with blood… “Michael.” No, not blood, sweat. And there were hands on me, small familiar hands. “Michael, it’s okay… it was just a dream, just a dream…” But it was no dream, I thought, remembering the faces I had seen, the terror I had felt, the death I had smelled. It was a memory, sewed into my heart with pins of death.
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 5:28 am
Interesting. I'd like to see this as a full on story, or even see more of it. It's well written though. Hat's off to you.
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 1:17 pm
I agree with wolfs shepard, it is interesting. Now more than ever with the realization of the extent of post traumatic stress disorder this piece is also very relevant to today's society. I have a bit of an issue with some of the adjectives you're using, it comes off a bit purply (Purple prose, if you've never heard that term, is when too many adjectives are used, or overly dramatic ones for the situation). I do realize that the situation described in your piece is quite graphic, but I think that it would leave more of an impression on the reader if you left it a bit more stark, it would give this piece the right atmosphere, I think. That way you could let the actions speak for themselves.
This piece should go into the prose subforum though, so I'm going to move it for you.
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 5:27 pm
Well, I thought it was good. One question though, what war was he in?
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2009 3:06 pm
Shallarinath Well, I thought it was good. One question though, what war was he in? Just a war. It was an English assignment, so I didn't go into the politics and mechanics of the war. I stuck with the emotions.
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Posted: Wed May 27, 2009 9:00 pm
I hope you don't mind, but I have some suggestions to make the action more dramatic. Quote: The gunfire was deafening, but the blood pounding in my ears was louder. As this is your very first sentence, it should really pack a punch and draw people into the story. If the blood in your character's ears is louder than the gunfire than start with that, how it drowns out the gunfire. Try to avoid words like "was", it was doing this, he was doing that. Instead say something like It did this, he did that. This changes the wording from telling us what's happening to showing us. Also, we know that gunfire is deafening. Describe instead the actual sound, or the muted sound that the guns are making as they go off. The crackling of machine guns, the explosions, the buzzing sound of the bullets passing by the character's ears. Also the feeling of heat from the fires, the concussions from nearby guns going off, the dust and debris pelting the character and stuffing up his nose. Quote: My heart was racing with a cold fear that this might be the end. Again, avoid "was". "My heart raced with a cold fear." as for "this might be the end" it's a little cliche and so it doesn't portray the dread that the character should be feeling. Quote: “Michael!” The sound of my name drilled into my head, washing over me like a freezing pail of water. I broke out of the trance fear had placed me in and turned to my sergeant, who was yelling in my ear. If you want something to be abrupt, like the sound of his name being shouted pulling out of the trance, than get rid of the descriptive sentences. If the writing is abrupt, than the feeling will be abrupt. "Michael!" My sergeant's shout jerked me out of my trance. It's still not as abrupt as it could be, but we get less delay. Quote: Before I could even think to reply though, a swishing sound whistled by my ears, and the sergeant was gone. Get rid of the first part, "before I could even think to reply though". As in the last action, there's too much language here. Make the writing abrupt. Also, instead of "the sergeant was gone" use something like "the sergeant exploded" or something a little more appropriate. Get rid of the was, and show us the scene. Quote: When I stumbled over a dead body I didn’t think a wit about it. All I knew was that I needed to run, to warn the base. Then, suddenly, a hand shot out at me, grasping my forearm and pulling me to the ground. Again, make the language more abrupt. "I stumbled over a body, tried to keep going. I needed to run, had to warn the base. A hand shot out, grasping my arm, pulling me down." Take out some extra wordage. Using punctuation to shorten sentences also makes a scene feel more abrupt. I hope this makes sense, and that it doesn't make you mad or anything that I did this. I know I repeat myself a bit. You have a nice base here.
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Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 2:18 pm
Thank you Strali. I'm thinking of rewriting it. Just for fun (because I did it for school). I like your suggestions, and looking back over it, I find that you're right about most of it. What I wrote worked fine for school, but it would be better with the improvements you commented on. Thanks for the honest critique!
--ATW
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Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 1:43 pm
I really like this; the pace is nice, and it's quite snappy, but I would really take into consideration what Strali said about taking out some unnessecary words. You want every word to add the to the piece, not take anything away from it.
Other than that, I think it was well constructed, and I only have one nasty niggle:Quote: It was a memory, sewed into my heart with pins of death.
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