|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sat May 09, 2009 1:42 pm
Feet stomping, and the ground threatening to split before you. Wind rushing, with icy hands pulling you back and restraining. The smell of raw energy pulsing through you veins. Running, from your fears, from your past, from your family, from your life, the preasure, and the perfection. You are invincible, alive. With each step, each meter each mile you breathe, you are farther away. No one can catch, you the past is behind, and all that lay before you is the endless asphalt path, and all that you can hear are your echoing footsteps in the early dawn.
Alone with your thoughts, the memories don't hurt so much, the blur of your surroundings stops them from being so vivid , so alive. When you are out here with the silence working its way through your every being, it doesn't seem so bad, it really wasn't your fault. That other driver, that drunk dirty b*****d wasn't watching, he could have seen, could have know. Right?
"WEAEAEAEAEH" , an abulences siren brings you back to the harsh reality. Of course it was your fault, of course the blame is to be pinned on you, like a precision thrown dart hitting the bullseye. Just think, andrew could be running with you, right here, right now, you could laugh together, and maybe go to the movies later even though it wouldn't be cool to go with his big sister.
But now that would never happen, his silence was eternal and unbreakable. Never again would he see our world, experience its greatness. The doctors said it was fast,and almost painless, a shard of glass to the temple, shot with the force of a bullet upon impact. An unlived life, with so much potential, so many memories wiped away, and for what. Was it for the carelessness of the driver, for that extra bottle of bear. Even now, even today years later you wonder, why not you, why couldn't he have been spared.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat May 09, 2009 6:24 pm
I like this, it could use some work, but that's awesome for 11! It reminds me of that unwritten book of mine, The Infinity Machine.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat May 09, 2009 7:55 pm
thanks, I was thinking that if enough people liked it I would take it out again and make it into a real story, it was only a couple years ago. Plus I think I have a longer version somewhere.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri May 29, 2009 8:31 am
It's a nice rough draft. Obviously there's some work to be done with grammar and spelling. Other than that, the first few sentences seem a little incoherent. I would suggest looking at the punctuation. I’m not certain if you know, but at one point you made a switch from second person to first person, with the use of the word “our”. It’s just a little distracting, and so it might be a good idea to take that out. Also, the switch to first person at the end is unnecessary and distracting from the story. Stick with one or the other.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 10:48 pm
This is pretty good, it's just spelling and grammar mistakes that really need to be worked one. You had a couple of run-on sentences in there that you might want to fix up, and sentences that could be made less wordy. For example... Quote: With each step, each meter each mile you breathe, you are farther away, no one can catch you the past is behind, all that there is are you the ground, your echoing footfalls. might be better as Quote: With each step, each meter, each mile you breathe, you are farther away; no one can catch you. The past is behind. All that exists is you, the ground, and your echoing footfalls. Something a little more like that. smile Run-on sentences in fiction can be good for emphasis sometimes, but most of the time they just make it more difficult to read.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 10:53 am
Early fiction usually looks a lot worse than that. My first story was terrible. I realized it was terrible a few days later, too. Or did I? I don't' know. Maybe.
Besides for it feeling too rushed (I know that was the mood you were going for, but it doesn't let the reader stop and take much of it in) and the punctuation/capitalization problems, and the POV thing (stories in the second person have the potential to be very interesting), it's good. Made longer, with flashbacks and that dream-like running, it would make a good story.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 2:56 pm
it's pretty good,
needs some editing still.
though I must say, the extra bottle of bear is a spelling error that may add more to the story than it detracts xd
I gotta get me some of that haha
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
