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God, I hate thinking of him as an ex...anyway, I'd better start from the beginning.
I'd had a crush on Gary since I was 10, and we spent the last 2 years of primary school tomorrow (he changed schools in year 4 from somewhere or other to my school). I had a crush on him, and he had a crush on me...it was so simple back then.
Only, of course both of us were too shy to say anything about it to each other (even though we were really good friends at the time).
Then, at the end of primary school, we went to different high schools. Nothing major, as our high schools are very close to each other, but we still didn't see each other atall, never phoned, basically cut off contact.
Until I turned 15.
Now, up until I was 15, I had still been doodling 'KF 4 GT' and 'Kazz <3s gary' in the back of my English books, and I've still got these books xd . I would still think about him, how amazingly bright and full of life his eyes were, how his hair blew in the wind, how his ears were slightly slanted, etc.
At this point, I had just come out of a 3 month relationship with someone who had decided to dump me on my birthday (my 15th birthday, by the way gonk ), however, even though I was, of course, upset, I wasn't too badly shaken up as I knew I'd just had a high school crush on this guy (this guy was called 'Jack'), and so when Jack dumped me, I only had one cry, then got over it.
However, a few months after I'd gotten out of this relationship, I tracked down Gary's MSN address, so, of course, I contacted him.
He. Was. Amazing.
We shared so many hobbies, so many similar thoughts, had both been thinking about each other over the years, etc. It was the most amazing experience ever.
He asked me out on November 10th, 2004.
We spend an amazing 11 and a quarter months together. Went swimming, bowling, laser questing, etc. But mostly spent time at one of our houses and talked, hugged, snuggled, etc. He would always make me feel better if something bad happen. He was the first person who wasn't related to me to EVER tell me I was pretty, and, even more than that, sexy, gorgeous, etc. He promised me we would never break up, we'd spend the rest of our lives together, we'd have either 2-3 kids, with the first born male called Gary the 2nd, even told me that, when he got a job, he'd save up all his money to buy me an engagement ring...
We were meant to be together.
Then, out of NO-WHERE, he dumped me. By letter, no less.
It was horrible. I have cried at least once every day since then. He broke up with me on the 17th October 2005, at 4:31pm.
He has since told me he broke up with me because he didn't feel the same as he had for the majority of our relationship, and the reason he was letting me go was because he knew I loved him, and didn't think it was fair for him to play with me. He said I was so beautiful, so amazingly sexy that every moment he was with me he wanted to do 'very bad things' to me. And he knew that, since I was in love with him, I'd be willing, but, because he liked me so much, and respected me, he said he couldn't, ever, use me like that if he didn't feel the same as I did.
After a few weeks, I'm starting to agree. I've always been emotional, and can get very attached to people and things, and he knew this. That was why we had to break up, for my own good, otherwise it'd be 10x worse later. (I agree with this, as at least now I'm starting to believe my friends who are saying 'at least you didn't loose your virginity to him')
However, here comes the main problem part. He now has a new girlfriend. I used to be really pissed off at this, but now I've met her, and she's a really nice girl surprised I can't imagine them kissing or anything, as it's just too painful to think about it, and I still want to be the one he's hugging, etc. But I don't have anything against the girl in person (who's called Leigh).
However, about a week after he started dating his new girl (before I'd met her) he asked me to meet him at the park. I cried a bit while we were at the park, but we ended up agreeing to be 'friends with privelages'...
We kept making jokes about 'okay, as long as leigh doesn't find out... ninja ' which I know was a REALLY bad idea, but I couldn't help it, I still found (and still find) myself VERY strongly attracted him, to both his personality and his body...
Now, we did more in the week after this than we'd ever done while going out. (we're both over 16, but no, neither of us lost our virginity during this time, though we did just about everything up to it...) This was all after I'd met Leigh...
Now, 2 days ago, we decided it wasn't fair to any of us. It wasn't fair to Leigh for obvious reasons, it wasn't fair to me as gary has made it clear he wasn't going to break up with Leigh for me, and it wasn't fair to Gary as he had to carry the guilt of cheating on Leigh (which, I class as he cheated on her 5 times with me).
(another small note - Gary set me up with one of his friends after we broke up, we 'dated' for 2 days, before going behind my back and telling all his friends I was an ugly cow, which pretty much shattered my confidence....)
Now, even after this business, I still think it'd be best for me to start dating again, only, after Gary's friend, I'm sure no-one would want me...Sure, Gary still says I look amazing, but he's the only one who's ever seen my body (I admit I have a preety damn cool body, I mean, it's not perfect, but I love it 4laugh ) and the only boys I can see myself going out with are the ones at school...Only, my body gets hidden under my baggy school uniform, so I get stuck with people only seeing my face and personality.
Now, when I'm in out-of-school clothes, I'm peppy, I'm positive, I'm happy.
In my school uniform, I'm sadistic, I'm cold, I'm hateful, and I always look depressed. Usually because I am.
Now, a few days ago, I started looking at one of my friends differently. He's called 'Sam', and I'd always just seen him as cool Sam...until recently. So, of course, I got a crush on him.
Only to find he's going to the prom with someone.
Now, I don't think he's dating this girl, but he DEFINITLY likes her, and she likes him, I just don't think they're 'official' yet.
So, basically, I'm screwed.
Any other lads in my school I like are either dating, out of my legue, hate me, or see me as their best friend.
So there are only 2 people left in my whole school I think I have a chance with.
One has been one of my best friends for 4 years.
One I only met recently, and doesn't seem to like me too much.
Basically, I can't get a date till college (which is only about a year away, thankfully). However, I need someone NOW. I need to proove to myself that I'm NOT ugly, that I DON'T repel, guys, etc.
I also needs someone who will hug me without me hugging them first, someone who will whisper sweet nothings in my ear...someone who likes me for who I am.
Me and Gary had it all, but he didn't want to commit to me at such a young age.
I need to get over him, but I can't. I WANT to get over him, but to do that, I need to date someone else, but there's no-one.
I need help. gonk

All I can really tell you is the strength you are looking for comes from the inside and from everything you have written you already have it. You just need to shake off the negative comment and start feeling what you know. You love your body and know you are happy and perky (even if it's only in certain clothes) so live what you already know.

I know it sucks not to have a boy in high school but you really don't need one. Plus you already know that any relationship you get into now would just be a shallow convenience which I'm pretty sure isn't what you want in the greater picture of your life.

Grade 12 is the most important so buckle down on your school work. You have the rest of your life to meet the right guy.