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 Posted: Sun Apr 26, 2009 3:25 pm
I would love criticism... i'm not good at spelling stuff... =) its based off of the Resident Evil universe...
er...here goes Paragraph one
Detritus flies through the air. The air is cold and damp. it reeks of death. it looks like a war field. a light mist sprinkles down, bodies litter the streets. the dirty, barely visible streets. this was home just yesterday. but this epidemic spread quicker than ever imagined, and soon the villains were disguised as our saviors. buildings, stores and homes...in shambles. the windows broken, jagged pieces of glass sticking out in haphazardous angles. bullet shells hide next to the ajar doors of police vehicles. rounds that were not effective. there isn't a sound but the white noise being emitted from the countless forgotten radios and televisions, yet its still eerily quiet. the rain makes no noise as it falls down slowly, but it leaves a thin mist. there are cars crowding the road, abandoned by desperate civilians who attempted to escape. the yellow barriers have been knocked over, a helicopter abandoned. the few survivors hide in their homes, fearing for their lives, trying to stay alive till morning, when 'help' comes. i don't have to hide. or wait. they can't touch me, or hurt me. sometimes they don't even realize i'm here. humans think i'm extremely fortunate to escape unharmed, but its cause i'm not entirely human anymore.
uh P.S i don't write drafts with capital letters, i'm far too lazy. it also is a bit vague because as i go on, i add a bit more to the puzzle. the They are Zombies.
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Posted: Sun Apr 26, 2009 6:34 pm
Well I like the concept, but the sentences seem to be very fragmented, You need more detail, and I suppose that there were some slight grammatical errors.
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Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 11:54 am
youve got my attention, i want to know more, which is good. the sentences are fragmented and that feels like your trying to add too many short sentences. also, where is the smell of bodies?
-the putrid, sickly stench of rotting bodies filled the air, many in various stages of decomposition.-
that adds a more realistic touch. also
-The few still alive were hidden in corners, small rooms and closets, try ing to hide, their fear made the air feel thick. those alive could almost, Almost taste the rotten flesh and the fear.- this also adds a realistic touch. im sorry if i sound very strict. this is a 7/10
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Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 12:09 am
A few things to say. Try breaking your paragraphs up, unless it's a novel. Paragraphs in short stories and short essays should be kept at an area of 3-5 sentences. The whole "wall of text" a common mistake made by non professional and novice writers can turn the audience away due to distraction.
Also, you're moving too quickly for a horror story. Most cases good horror movies and stories take time for prep work and a lot of times this set up actually takes longer than the actual scare. Subtlety and personal patience can pay off greatly for a horror story.
Also, it is a good thing you admitted to having a source reference material but are trying to come up with an original idea. Of course what I would recommend however is to take a second look at these games and try to pick out the less overt reasons why they are scary. A lot of times it's these subtler, often overlooked factors that really keep us jumping for years to come.
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Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 8:57 pm
I think your sentences are to fragmented but with a few commas , if your story is well writin enough, you could make each paragraph one long sentence.
I suggest to write your paragraphsl ike that then insert periods where a sentence should end. xd
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