Okay we were assigned a 1500 word college english essay for an exit paper. Only constrictions being that it be 1500 words or more, and prove that you understand grammar to a point to pass the class. I had weeks...but I couldn't find ANYTHING to write 1500 words on. When it came down to it...I wrote it on Not Writing it...and many other nothings. I figured it was worthy of wonderland so here it is
There comes a time in every college student’s life when they sit down to write a paper; Of course, seven hours later they are still sitting in front of their computer with a blank document, having spent the last six and a half hours thinking about all the things he or she could be doing with his or her (in this case her) life instead of writing the paper. Writing final papers is very much like vacuuming the ceiling when instructed to by a boss: It’s pointless, it wastes time, it doesn’t matter in the huge scheme of life, and I do it only because I was told to by a person of life influence. There are a billion things I could be doing besides writing a paper, such as discovering why round pizzas are packaged in square boxes or hiking (yes hiking) across the Atlantic Ocean and getting a cultural experience in Atlantis, if I ever found it. So, I’ve decided to write a paper of epic contradictions involving some of the reasons why I shouldn’t write this paper: I will probably include a lot of what I thought about during my seven hours of not writing. Most of this is whimsical nonsense, some of it actually makes sense, and the rest is logical yet improbable ‘what if’ thoughts. As the saying goes, “here goes nothin’”, literally.
Inexplicably, the sky always seems to be overcast with showers when I have things to do outside, and the sky always seems to be sunny when I have things to do inside. While I was not writing this essay I killed some of my time by pondering how to have fun outside when the wonderful ‘tropical’ atmosphere causes the day to be permeated with clouds. I was able to use five minutes productively by finding the solution to this question: the best way to have fun while it is cloudy and hot in Florida is to have a snowball fight. Yes, that’s right, a snowball fight. A snow machine would be a great investment whenever the weather refuses to cooperate during those spring months where there always seems to be a chance of showers. “Chance of Showers” is a term that I have never exactly understood. It is used whenever an ‘expert’ describes the weather for the day. He or she always says this lightly, as if he or she is frightened of saying “it’s going to rain and possibly ruin your wonderful day” or “its bloody raining outside, don’t go out without an umbrella, you’ll drown!”. To me, “A chance of showers” means I might get several showers with a shiatsu included. I wouldn’t mind a shiatsu, but that is never what the weather people mean when they say “chance of showers”. Obviously this entire paragraph here is about the weather: usually it would be a bad choice of subject to talk about the weather in a well detailed and organized essay, but, I am not writing a well detailed and organized essay. As I said in my opening paragraph, it would be an absolute waste of time to even begin writing this essay. After All, I could be enjoying a snowball fight.
Instead of writing this essay I could be living life to the fullest and exploring my world. In the seven hours that I contemplated not writing this I could have gotten on a plane to Mexico just to feed the ducks. I’m not even sure if there are ducks in Mexico, but if there were ducks in Mexico I would have brought skittles to feed them. I would have stayed to see if they turned rainbow after a week of a diet of skittles. (The same way flamingos are pink because of their shrimp diet) I’m sure that photographs of rainbow ducks could sell as some kind of interpretive art. Our world, being political, would probably interpret the photographs as a pro-homosexual statement instead of the truth: they are merely pictures of rainbow ducks that were fed skittles by strange American girl from Florida that decided to go to Mexico instead of writing an essay. I’m not even sure if rainbow ducks are possible. Now, glowing monkeys are definitely possible. I heard from a friend that scientists cloned a monkey with firefly DNA in order to create a glowing monkey. If there are fireflies, dragonflies, and butterflies why can’t there be iceflies, unicornflies, and breadflies. Of course, I never suspected there might be monkeyflies somewhere in our strange world. I wonder what you would call a monkey that happened to glow- a “Spaz monkey?”: that’s what I would call it. Once again I will never know because I am stuck in my two bedroom condo writing an essay that has now cost me having a snowball fight in April, researching whether or not rainbow ducks are possible, and knowing what scientists would call a glowing monkey.
Instead of writing this essay, I could be revealing the ultimate secret to female personalities. More often than not guys see women as cryptic, and men are very often so confused by her reactions to his witty one liners rather than looking at her shoes. The best way to surmise information from a girl you just met is from her shoes. For instance, a girl who always seems to be wearing flip flops, sandals or boat shoes is probably easy going, approach her casually; you probably won’t scare her away too quickly. If you see a girl whom is always wearing a different color shoe of a bright, vibrant color, such as yellow, red, gold, pink, or silver, she is fun and very outgoing. She is in charge of herself, though, so beware, she can spot suckers and jerks a mile away. So, easy going shoes and bright colored shoes are good to approach: you probably won’t be shut down unless you are truly just an idiot. Lastly, I encourage you watch out for tennis shoes, the girl that wears her lace-ups no matter what every day. Often enough, she has been hurt before, and she is ready to run at the first sign that a guy is a player, a**, suck-up, cheater, liar, momma’s boy, superficial jerk, big talker, or a loser. She won’t wait five minutes before taking off if the guy who approaches her hints at any of these behaviors or personalities. She has barriers, and you will not get through them until you’ve proved yourself as a friend before a lover. Shoes are important to women, and they secretly tell the world about themselves through their shoes. So, boys, before you try to hit on a girl, you might look at her shoes first to ascertain the best approach. Otherwise, you’ll come across looking like an idiot fifty to seventy-five percent of the time. Fortunately, I have taken this time to reveal the secret, so I do not feel as if all my time was wasted. Unless, of course, if no one actually reads this valuable knowledge, never publishes it, never passes it on to sons of sons. Never mind, none of those things will happen so I have, again, wasted my time with this essay when I could have been saving women from being hit on by jerks that are definitely not their type or saving men from being brutally rejected just for choosing the wrong course of action to approach a lady. Of course this is probably just more nonsense added into my head in order to continue not writing this essay. Honestly, who in the world would believe that a woman’s shoes tells everything you need to know about here. That is pure and inexplicable nonsense, probably conjured from internal workings of a sleep deprived brain. Of course, it all could be true.
I wasted yet another half hour of my life trying to surmise how to conclude an entire paper of nonsense subjects that have nothing to do with each other. I’m still not exactly sure if this is the right way, but I must have done something right if you have read this far. In my procrastination I thought about a lot of things that otherwise wouldn’t have entered my head had I not been drugged with the amount of sugar and caffeine contained in a two liter bottle of Coca-Cola. In fact, not writing this essay could be the best decision I have ever not made. I learned a lot. However, I’m not claiming that anything I learned was accurate. Really it was just a bunch of nonsense thoughts somehow related to one another. If anything this was a creative exercise to test just how creative I could be without an idea to start with and without an idea to finish with. If you understood any of this essay you are either happy with being crazy, or you should probably see the school guidance office today. Either way, I hope this bit of nonsense amused, and utilized some of your creative, nonsensical skills that you probably haven’t used since kinder garden. This is how I conclude an essay of incomprehensible thoughts.
