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 Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 11:50 pm
Hello, it's me again.
I thought it would be a good idea to share some of my poetry with everyone and was hoping for some critiquing on most of it. It is meant to be song lyrics, but for now is poetry because the music doesn't exist yet.
Positive feedback, negative. As long as it's honest I am open to criticism.
I love you all. <3
~Atsuki
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Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 11:52 pm
ATSUKI'S POEMS
PARASITE
Sorrow plagues my thoughts
I feel the pain eclipse me
Silence is deafening
Left with only agony
PARASITE
Leeching everything that matters
PARASITE
Eventually it all just shatters
Blood boils, rage takes over
Madness clouds a once clear mind
Dragged down, beneath control
Violently attack all of mankind
This poison, feeds insanity
Reckless destruction
I feel corrupt and hollow within (hollow within)
Sorrow fuels and leads to sin (leads to sin)
PARASITE
Leeching everything that matters
PARASITE
Eventually it all just shatters
Death follows, in your wake
Leave behind a trail of waste
Dark deeds, in your head
Blood seeps through your grip
Inner demons, puppeteer you
Nothing but chaos
I feel corrupt and hollow within (hollow within)
Sorrow fuels and leads to sin (leads to sin)
X2
PARASITE
Leeching everything that matters
PARASITE
Eventually it all just shatters
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Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 12:01 am
There isn't much to critique here. To be honest, the only thing I could find, and most song writers will emphasize this, is that although free verse is a lovely thing, it doesn't fit well with songs. There needs to be some sort of pattern created. In a few the lines I saw that you could carry it on, but try something along the lines of Abcb or abca. As long as two lines rhyme, and they have to make sense of course, most of the time the song will flow better when sang. But that's only a personal opinion of myself and a few others. I love it to be honest.
Peace and Love,
Vince
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Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 2:46 pm
Vincent SN There isn't much to critique here. To be honest, the only thing I could find, and most song writers will emphasize this, is that although free verse is a lovely thing, it doesn't fit well with songs. There needs to be some sort of pattern created. In a few the lines I saw that you could carry it on, but try something along the lines of Abcb or abca. As long as two lines rhyme, and they have to make sense of course, most of the time the song will flow better when sang. But that's only a personal opinion of myself and a few others. I love it to be honest.
Peace and Love,
Vince
I am a better story teller to be honest, poetry is kind of a new thing for me. It was the reason I never got 100% in creative writing actually. ^.^
I appreciate the advice,
Much love;
~Atsuki
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Posted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 11:59 am
Don't get me wrong, alot of the stuff you will read of mine is free verse. But I also like rhyme, when it fits and doesn't sound completely ridiculous. It's something you should try to work on a little. Just to better yourself as a writer, because rhyme can be used for so many other things than just poetry.
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