SparkLife reader Andy Johnson has made a close study of the group of interdependent organisms commonly known as marching band. Here are his findings. Enjoy!—SparkLife editors
Ah, marching band. To outsiders, it’s a bunch of kids in matching uniforms. But insiders know it’s a strange world peopled by cavemen, exotic dancers, Brad Pitt look-alikes, and plotting alpha females. Want to know more about this fascinating ecosystem? Read on.
Class: The Drumline (Grovicus Maximus)
Commonly confused with Neanderthals. Have a deep-seated urge to hit things in complicated rhythmic patterns. Speak a language based on English, but consisting mostly of movie lines, inside jokes, snippets from the music, and small mammal noises. Recently discovered fire, and are expected to invent the wheel by the end of the next marching season. Currently the topic of a National Geographic study on the evolution of man.
Class: The Color Guard (Dramicus Overloadicus)
Girls (and one or two guys) who love dance, yet were not quite good enough to make the dance team. Their pecking order changes constantly, and sometimes violently, which can be dangerous for those caught in the crossfire. (We still mourn the loss of that innocent freshman.) Do not like to be stared at, but still enjoy dancing with a pole. Have seen Twilight more times than there are miles on Edward Cullen’s silver Volvo.
Class: The Brass (Blairicus Loudicus)
One of the more masculine, and scheming, sections. Almost as talented as they think they are. Pastimes include betting on card games. For a good time, they compete to see who can play the highest. Enjoy sunburn, frostbite (sometimes both on the same day), hunger, dehydration, and trench foot. Prefer physical pain to the six AP classes most are known to take. Dream of guard girls. Also dream of pulling an Ocean’s 11-esque stunt that causes pain and humiliation to the drum line. Been known to fight territory wars and build empires within the section. Very, very, very vain.
Class: The Woodwinds (Combustibleicus Instrumentsicus)
The feminine counterparts of the brass. Less “valley-girl” than the guard. Their pecking order is slightly (just slightly) more stable than the color guard’s. Movements up or down the social ladder of this section are made after deep thought and campaigning, rather than on impulse. Members get along, but are more than willing to backstab to get what they want. At risk of being stabbed: those in the way of a higher chair, those in the way of section leader positions, or those going out with the guy someone else wants for a boyfriend.
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