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 Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 9:42 pm
This is a post that I used as an opening for a roleplay that I just started, and I am wondering if I could make it better. Please be as honest, and brutal as you will. I can handle it. smile
Night, peaceful, calm, relaxing. The stars are shining brightly in the sky as the serenity of night continues. The forest is silent besides a few animals that challenge the night. All is calm until there are shouts, and many quick foot falls in the forest. A black robed figure is being pursued by many men covered in metal armor with their swords drawn. The figure dodges branches, and bushes as they come into view. The pursuers quickly lose sight of the figure as it almost seems to vanish from sight. The men search the area, and are unable to find anything before quickly leaving the forest, and heading back to town.
The forest was silent a brief moment before a twig snap could be heard, before a thud. A few groans are heard as a black mass starts to move. Some silver could be seen on the figure in the moons light. It was a double edged curved sword, attached to its side. Standing up a males voice can be heard. "I hate trees..." The voice said as he moved forward surrounded by forest.
Hours pass as he keeps walking. The sun could be just barely visible on the horizon. Sighing a sigh of relief, the figure pulls the hood of the robe over his face more to block out the sun. Entering a large empty field a females voice is heard.
"I know what you are, and why they the chase you..."
The figure stops in alarm. Quickly turning, he sees no one, yet he hears the voice again...
"I know what you are, and why they chase you..."
Placing a scaly hand on the hilt of the sword, he turns around again. "Who's there!? Show your self!" He demands, but the only answer he got was a gust of wind pushing the hood off from over his face revealing him. Blue scales cover his face, his eyes are green slits, almost cat like. Long blond, cleanly braided hair flow down to his shoulders. "Who's there!" He demands again as he turned, only to be faced with himself.
"They fear you! They hate you! They want to kill you, because they do not understand!"
"Shut up!" He screams out as he slashed at his own image only to see it smoke away, and re-appear in front of him before slashing at it a few more times, only to see the same result. "What do you want!"
"I want nothing... But it's what they want." The females voice was almost mocking him as it continues. "They want to kill you to prevent you from finding out who you really are. They want to stop you before you can prevent them from completing their goal!"
A snarl can be heard from the figure, as he realized fighting was useless. Still gripping the sword, he spoke. "What are you talking about! Who I really am? What their goal is? Who ARE YOU!" He shouted, but the calms voice still spoke to him, in its usual calm way.
"That you will have to find out on your own. You may very well be the only one to save us..." The voice trailed off.
Before he could even open his mouth to speak, he felt a sharp pain in the back of his head before falling to the ground. Struggling to stay conscious he heard nothing but the chirping of birds before all went black.
Waking up, he reflexively gripped his sword, and swirled around. Nothing was around him as he watched. It felt as if years had passed. Maybe even centuries to him. The day was late, and his stomach growled from hunger. Shaking his head, he sheathed his sword, and placed the hood over his head again. Shivering from cold, he looked about. "Early spring... But it was late fall..." He shook his head confusedly. "What happened, and where am I?" Asking aloud, as if expecting a response he did not receive one.
After wandering around for a few minutes in the empty field, he decided to sit down on a large dry rock, and try to get his thoughts together, starting with the last thing he had remembered. The words "You may very well be the only one able to save us..." Kept repeating in his head, as he sat there, and thought about what was happening.
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Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 3:23 am
I humbly offer my advice to you:
I'm not going to go into technical detail with the grammar, k?
-in the beginning of the post, night is a bit repetitive. You should find other ways to say night such as 'darkness', 'nightfall' etc
-the sentence from "a black robed figure" to "their swords drawn" isn't descriptive. You should add sensory details to draw the reader further into the situation. For example, what did the pursuit sound like?
-moonlight, not moons light
-"some silver could be seen" what do you mean by that? do you mean the figure gleamed slightly with traces of silver? or is the figure wearing something made of silver? or is it just a silvery gleam, not necessarily the metal silver?
-i feel that 'standing up a males voice can be heard." is redundant.
-i almost never use the word said in rps, and when i do, i always include a modifier. said is perhaps the least descriptive word that exists to describe speech.
-same issue with moved. stumbled? ambled? strode confidently?
-i recommend staying in the same tense throughout the post
-it feels like you use too many pronouns throughout the post; he, him, he, him, etc. try to combine phrases when possible, or to just not include the pronoun.
example: Quickly turning, he sees no one, yet he hears the voice again...
edit: Quickly turning, he saw no one. And yet the voice spoke again...
-i don't like how you describe your character passively (as if he's standing still). i'd recommend including actions with the descriptions, such as "his emerald cat-like eyes gleamed as he searched his surroundings" etc
-you should describe the main character's reaction to seeing himself, and describe the mirror image. is it mocking him, or is it greeting him in a friendly manner, etc
there were many areas in the post where you made slight grammatical errors
I hope that this helped.
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