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 Posted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 3:01 am
Hi.. this is a poetry i made for my bigger 'sister' that I haven't met for a long time..and she's coming to my place. You know it's reaally hard to make a poem for someone. You don't want it to be really cheesy, and stuff, but it has to still have some meaning.. And you can't make things up to make it more dramatic and stuff.. So please give some comments or opinion on my writing,, thanks.. ^^
P.S. I put it up in the arena, but it doesn’t rate that high, can you please tell me how could I improve it? Thanks soo much..
*
Through time
Back then, holding back tears
Would you looked in my watery eyes
You’d see a bit of fear beyond my sorrow
A bit of hope, beyond my broken smile
Well it doesn’t matter now
Through distance
Across oceans and open skies
Unseen, unheard through the vastness
Hopes emerged
Could your presence be near?
Faith believing
I’m still hoping
Through space
Converse without a sound
Without sights of each
Whisper to thee
For screaming is worthless
Through faith
I know and believe
For time broadens
And distance spreads
Our amity still remains, nevertheless
True
Through all
Long lost and unspoken
Curiousity still revolves
How are you?
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Posted: Sat Apr 11, 2009 10:04 am
I honestly do not know whay it is not scoring high in the arena, it's really great.
I love how, when reading this, I can feel the emotion placed into this. These days poetry is so flat, cliché and predictable, but this is something else, this is something to admire.
I love how you incorporated some Old English speaking in the peice of work.
'Without sight of each
Whisper to thee
For screaming is worthless.'
Those three lines on their own are very powerful, I don't think I can give you many hints and tips on how to improve it, I think it's perfectly fine as it is in my opinion.
Keep up the great work.
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