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Bust That Vexen

Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts is owned by Disney and Square Enix, not me. This crack pot idea came from the seeping goo that is my mind. Beware. Vexen is watching you! And also, this is a ‘continuation’ on the crack fic ‘Bust That Xemnas’.


OOOooOOooOOo

Vexen was a simple man. Nothing came easier to impressing the Superior than whipping up potions that he could use. Shampoos that made hair feel glorious, ways to calm down Larxene’s pms-ing fits, even a concoction to make Lexaeus speak.

Useful, of course. In fact, if he wasn’t around this Organization would fall to bits from neglect. But he wouldn’t want to gloat about it. Of course not. He wasn’t that conniving moron Axel. Hell, he almost wanted to turn the imbecile’s hair green just because he could. In fact, he was working on such a potion right now. His television was on in the background airing the old Christmas classics with Rudolph and pals. Right now it was on his favorite part, Jack Frost.

“Oh Jackie, you truly are my favorite,” Vexen mumbled and cackled as he measured a swirling pink liquid into a vial.

“Dude, I thought I was your favorite,” rang out from behind him. Vexen almost dropped his vial but quickly jammed it into a holder. That was close. He whipped around, blonde hair swishing at his fast movement.

“What do you want??”

“What I always want,” Xigbar appeared with a giant smirk on his face.

“I’ve told you a million times, Xigbar, I don’t create sex toys—“

“Hypothetically speaking…you could create me a clone of Larxene—“

“Do you really want two bitchy women walking around? There’s a reason why Xemnas ordered to murder off any other women. It’s because they gather together and create havoc. We’re lucky that we even have one…though I suppose Marluxia practically counts as one—“ he went off on a small ramble, gathering up his scientific experiment to dump it in Axel’s drink.

“Vexy, baby….don’t babble at me like that. If you’re going to be useful you might as well just help me out. I mean, why else are you even here?”

“FOR SCIENCE. Ahem. Sorry. I mean, I’m here because I am the smartest person you’ll ever run into.”

“You’re the reason why we’re stuck in this pickle.”

“This is no vinegary vegetable, Xigbar, this is merely one step closer to our real goal. We have the powers, no? Thanks to me. And we can easily gather back our hearts, yes? Of course. All you have to do is put some faith in the sciences—“

“Science schmience. If you’re not going to be helpful than you might as well not exist. Well…we don’t actually exist…but yeah. You get what I mean.”

“I do not ‘get’ what you mean.” Vexen flicked the dial on the television to ‘off’ and he started to walk out. “I create potions for the use of what we need, Xigbar, not what you want. If Xemnas ordered me to create you a boy toy than I’d do it, though I doubt I’d put much effort into it.” He wondered how hard it would be to create a living person that actually didn’t exist. Wasn’t too hard for them, right? So he could probably bullshit a good sex toy if he really wanted to.

“Vexen…it’s a pity you’re old…you could have gotten laid and forgot all about this garbled crap you do. I mean…” Xigbar shrugged, “Yeah, I was into the science crap at one point…but I also had my fun. I had to drop one of two…and I believe ladies are more important than science.”

Vexen stopped in his tracks, “Are you insinuating that I, Vexen, am too old to romp it up with others?”

Xigbar glanced about and nodded, “Yeah. That’s what I said.”

“I’ll have you know that women love smart men.”

“Oh really? I’d like to see your score sheet.”

Vexen frowned, “A score sheet?”

“Yeah. To score. You know.”

“No, I haven’t the slightest clue what you’re saying.”

“Have sex. How many girls you’ve been with.”

“Your jargon is pathetic. And I’ll have you know that I’ve been with plenty of girls in my life.”

Xigbar started to walk away, “Whatever man, science teachers don’t count.”

Vexen would have followed after him to rant about all the girls he had been with…but the fact was he hadn’t been with a bunch of girls. Not saying he was a virgin, of course not, but he wasn’t a sleaze either. Heavens, he could get infected if he did those sort of things. Hmmph. He could totally get women at this age, what was he even saying? Besides, he didn’t feel THAT old. A potion could fix up the wrinkles…or his wrinkle cream that he had been using. It really gave him a nice glow. Marluxia was the only one who had actually said anything to him about it, though. Wait, why was he even getting worked up over this? He had better things to do…like…scientific experiments. He wondered if this liquid could possibly kill Axel? He was a bit distracted when he was doing it. Ah whatever, it couldn’t harm a fly…just change it green. His strolling caused him to wind up in the large kitchen. His eyes glanced at the stone statues of flowers that were about. All right, something was up.

“Who put these giant blocks of rock in here? Hardly the place to have boulders lying around.”

No one answered him. Hmmph. Stiffs. Slowly Vexen sauntered up to the table and glanced at the inhabitants. Everyone was sitting about except for Xigbar and himself. What was this, a secret meeting and he wasn’t invited? That couldn’t be! He was the most important person around! How was he supposed to help anyone out if he never heard what their problems were?

“Good morning, Vexen,” Xemnas finally said, his words long and thoughtful...even though he only said three words.

“Howdy doo, Xemnas.” He paused. “And everyone else who matters.” Nothing. He grumbled and sat down. Insolent children were ignoring him. “Did anyone watch last night’s program on Absolute Zero? Fascinating facts they had.” Still nothing. “Of course, it would surprise me if anyone here would be intelligent enough to want to learn.” And silence. God, these people made Vexen want to throw icicles into their pants just to hear them scream or something. Did they lose their voices? He could cure that in a quickie.

“I would have watched it…if I cared about the cold…let alone science,” Saix finally replied, angrily stabbing his pancakes to death.

Vexen sniffed. What was that even supposed to mean? The cold was a beauty that was produced so easily by nature.

“You know…you probably could have watched it if you weren’t so busy with the Superior,” Larxene sniped and gave a cute smile. Vexen wanted to smack the b***h even if her comment was made toward Saix. He hated her guts. In fact, he’d make note in finding a way to make Xemnas agree in killing her just for the hell of it. Now if only he had a good way to win Xemnas over…

Saix snarled at her. Yes. Snarled. “Maybe Larxene should keep her comments to herself?”

“Perhaps Saix needs to learn to say no instead of taking it in the a**?”

“Saix learned how to say no a long time ago…that’s why he refused Larxene.”

Larxene rolled her eyes, “Larxene wouldn’t want to touch Saix with a ten foot pole. She knows what Saix has and she doesn’t want to contract it.”

Vexen frowned, “What in the world is going on? It isn’t natural for people to speak in third person…perhaps you need a check up? I know exactly how to fix such things.”

Zexion wiped his hands on his napkin and folded it neatly to set it on his plate, “Vexen, they’re just fighting. There’s nothing wrong with them.”

“Are you certain? I’ve read up on personality disorders—“

Saix growled, “I don’t have a personality disorder!”

The entire room got silent as VII brooded over his pancakes. Awkward. Ahem. Vexen needed to break the silence, it was getting a bit too weird for him. “How’s the weather?”

“Cloudy, bleak, gray….as usual,” Xaldin mumbled and folded up the paper, throwing it in Xigbar’s chair as he was finished with it. The man would move it if it became a problem.

“You know, I wonder if there’s a way to create our own sun. There’s a way to—“

Roxas groaned. He had heard way too much science crap and it was killing his brain, “Just stop already! We don’t care. None of us do.” He stood up and walked off.

Vexen frowned. What a sad child, he probably didn’t get to play with his games last night. What were those called again? Gameboys? Something like that. “Someone needs to go to bed earlier it seems. Youth these days…disrespecting the elder. So sad.”

“I think it’s because we all hate you,” Axel commented and got up himself.

Oh yes, now he remembered why he came in here. To dump toxic waste into Axel’s drink…though it seemed he was going to be leaving soon…and..yep. He was gone. So much for that. “I’d take that to heart…but I haven’t got one.” He cackled at his own joke. A lovely cackle that earned him several odd looks. “Oh…that was a good joke.” No one commented. They either left or went back to eating. So odd, why didn’t anyone else enjoy his jokes? Not that it mattered or anything, he wasn’t offended. He knew that they weren’t the brightest bunch of villains or anything…

“Vexen…not to be rude or anything…but maybe you need to go on a vacation? To the tropics! Wouldn’t that be nice?” Demyx had his spoon on his nose, a big grin across his face as he talked to Vexen. Of course, the old scientist just stared at him like he was a complete moron.

“I hate tropical weather.”

“Well then go up North? Someplace cold? I bet it’d be nice to get away for awhile!”

“Demyx, you bumbling fool, I cannot leave the Organization for a relaxing time in the Arctic. I need to be here to make sure everything runs smoothly—“

Xemnas interrupted him, a long drawn out breath escaping his mouth. “Vexen, I believe Demyx is right. I’ll let you have a vacation, hmm? Think of all the things you can work on and discover while you’re away.”

What was that even supposed to mean? Were they trying to get rid of him? Impossible. He was Vexen. Number IV. The best of the best! “Why are you so willing to give me up?”

“It isn’t that…but I do believe someone at your age should have a good time before—“

“You think because I’m some old buzzard that I should be shipped off to Bermuda? That’s inconceivable! What will the Organization do without me?”

Saïx snorted, “We’d live normally without your crazy antics and stupid potions.”

“My potions aren’t stupid! They’re beneficial! Ingenious!”

Larxene laughed, “You need to get laid.”

That was the second time he had heard that today! He was getting very tired of the snarky attitudes from these imbeciles! “Fine! I’ll go off on a vacation and won’t return until I’m needed.” Vexen walked off with that. Those pathetic morons will be begging for him to come back in a few days. Well he wouldn’t return, he’d let them suffer endlessly! But first…

He went into his lab and began to create an ungodly concoction. He stared at it and smirked once he finished with the beauty.

“Splendid, my dear…splendid.” He glanced about and opened a portal, arriving in Saïx’s bathroom. He grabbed up the man’s shampoo bottle and dumped it in, swirling it a bit and set it back in its place perfectly. “Now for my departure.” He opened another portal and moved off to his room, gathering up clothes and things he’d need for scientific research.

“Good bye cruel world.”

And to the garage he went, taking one of the gummi ships they owned for a fun adventure.

It was a roomy ship with a bed in the back, two bathrooms, couches, and even a bar. There was plenty of food supply and even a television set up. For Vexen, though, none of this mattered.

“Where’s all the vials and ingredients? I cannot create science if I have nothing scientific to work with…” he rubbed his chin in thought. Perhaps he should bring more of his own things? No, don’t be silly…they’d get ruined once the ship left the ground. Such terrible luck he had! No matter, he could easily do without the scientific equipment…because he had two things that could help him recollect everything.

His hand whipped out a pencil and a notebook, “I’m prepared.”

Awkwardly he continued to stand there. Um. So where did he even want to go anyway? Vexen shuffled over to the front, sitting down. The chair creaked a bit with the added weight.

“Let’s see…some place cold…shoot, I forgot my reading glasses…what does that say? Ag…Ag…hmm…maybe it says Arctic..? Yes, I’ll go there! FOR SCIENCE!” He slammed his fist into the screen. The computer booped angrily and the ship jolted, sending them into a swirling vortex in the sky.

“Dear heavens, I should have brought my medicine! I’m going to have a heart attack!!!”

And then the ship stopped quickly. Vexen smashed his face into the dashboard. “Oh fiddlesticks and a half! That hurt like searing butter!” Vexen rubbed the bridge of his nose and let his eyes glare daggers at the screen. It had a smiley face on it that read ‘Have a nice day!’

“I will nice your day! You little conniving machine! Good for nothing contraption! If I were a giant brute I’d let you taste a fist of fury! But unfortunately if I did something like that it would only cause me unending pain…so I’ll skip doing that and continue to glare at you until you apologize!” Glare. Glare. GLARE.

The machine continued with its smiley face demeanor.

Ahem.

“All right, fine, keep it up you little twit, but I’m not going to let you do that to me next time! And anyway…I believe I’ve arrived at my location, haven’t I? Arctic whatever and what not.” Vexen got up and brushed his fingers through his hair before stepping out of the gummi ship onto…

“What in the world?”

Was this sand? Desert SAND?

“I’ve been deceived!!!” His eyes whipped back to the ship. It blipped a few times and locked up. Since when did that b*****d of a thing decide it could shut him OUT? Urgh. Probably was abused way too much. Vexen could only imagine how someone like Xigbar and Luxord used it.

Eeehhh…

He was going to have to clean it, wasn’t he? Great. But he’d worry about that later…right now he had to think of where to go from this desert hell.

“It’s so hot here…so…hot…gah…” Vexen unzipped his cloak a bit, fanning himself with his notepad, “How am I supposed to concentrate with all of this terrible heat? I wanted something cold! Something…something…” His eyes had caught something very interesting.

“Well hello, there…heeheehee,” Vexen chuckled and started to walk over. He would have walked gracefully but his feet kept sinking in the sand. Now he just looked like a random tourist who had no idea what was going on. “Augh! I have sand in my boots. Darn this infernal desert! I hope evolution destroys you!”

….because rocks can evolve.

“Shut up!!”

Vexen paused. Wait. He had THOUGHT that. Why was he…oh no, the dehydration was probably getting to him! Quickly, Vexen, find a place to hide! He glanced around and then remembered that he was looking at something very important.

“Oh yes.” He bent over and picked up something shiny and golden. “What’s this? Looks like…half of a golden scarab beetle. Hmm…real gold I take it.” He tested it by taking a bite and frowning, “Ouch. Hard as a rock.” So…what should he do with it? Eh, he’d pocket it for now and get back to it later. Right now…right now what he really wanted to know…was WHERE he was at!

His eyes glanced around for miles upon miles of empty desert.

“Oh fish paste. I’m stranded, aren’t I? Why couldn’t you have at least landed me in a city or something?” His question was directed at the ship. It only blipped a few times.

“Is that what you think?”

Blip blip.

“Back in the day when I was growing up, machines like you didn’t even exist! You should be glad that someone worked hard enough to even create you! And with that thought, that means you should respect all mankind!”

Blip blip de bloop bloop.

“Ehhh…Cid made you?”

Blip.

“Oh…well I pity you, then. No matter, darling, I will be back for you at some point. I must find my way to some type of…living species…so that I can work on SCIENCE!”

Boop.

“Yes, sorry, the ‘science’ thing just comes naturally.” Vexen began to walk off after that. He was starting to feel like he was hallucinating. All of this ungodly sand. There was so much of it. Just…everywhere! And it never ever ended!

He walked for 5 minutes and did a dramatic hand swoop, “Augh! I’m going to die!!!!”

“Excuse me?”

Vexen blinked and noticed he was at the entrance of Agrabah. So THAT’S where he was at. It would definitely explain the boiling desert… “Ahem. I was wondering…”

“Could you hurry it up? I’ve got a lot of customers to attend to. Unless you’re buying something I don’t want to see your face around here!”

What a rude little man. He wanted to take out his shield and smack him in the face with it. But then again he’d have to have more arm strength to actually lift it that high. Damn the Organization and burdening him with a weapon that wasn’t even a weapon! “What do you even have to sell?”

The man, short and squat with a giant nose, grabbed up a box and began his epic story telling. Something a salesman had to learn if they ever wanted to get anything sold. “This box here was once owned by the Sultan’s great great great grandfather! It was hand-crafted during—“

“It looks like a stupid box that you made with sticks. Do you have any type of…oh…science-like materials?”

The man stared at him confused. “Science?”

“Yes. Science.”

“What is science?”

“Great Scott, you can’t be telling me that you don’t know what science is!” A clueless look was still on his face. “For Pete’s sake, let me show you want science is!” He held up his hand and yelled “FREEZE!” A vase that was beside him turned into a giant icicle.

“Dear God what did you just do?”

“I froze that vase with magic. I acquired it through science, because I am a genius.” Yes, take all the credit in this. Wasn’t like Xigbar or Xemnas would be coming through Agrabah anytime soon saying that they were a helpful part in getting their powers.

“It is cold….I’ve never felt such a thing in my life…” the man continued to touch the vase and his face grew into a devilish smirk, “You can produce such a substance at any time?”

“Absolutely.”

“You could make big money off of this…this…beauty!”

“Doesn’t anyone get any type of cold water around here? What a pity. But I, Vexen, can easily help with that.”

“Can you give ME powers?”

This squabbling dud wanted to learn magic beyond his wildest dreams? Well…Vexen couldn’t actually do it…but he really wanted to see how far this moron would actually go. “I could…but you have to die first in order to get the powers.”

“Die?”

“Yes. You see, I am actually dead. I acquired this shell of a body through the will of my heart, though I no longer have a heart. I’m a Nobody, which is a step above Heartless. Needless to say, if you want the powers you have to die. Then you can join the Organization and learn that you’re unwanted and unneeded. But that comes after the glory of gaining powers!”

The salesman rubbed his hands together in vigorous thought. To die or not to die? “Fine! How am I supposed to die?”

“I can kill you.”

“Then do it! I want to have these powers!”

“All right.” Vexen shot ice right through the man’s heart and watched as he fell over dead. “Oh, I forgot to mention that there is no guarantee that it would work. So silly of me to forget such a thing. Ah, I suppose that happens when we age…heeheehee!” That felt invigorating. He loved killing innocent fools. Now onto more important business…such as getting out of this blasted heat!

He continued onto his merry way…which wasn’t so merry since he was pouring sweat from every pore on his body. “I’m going to need to shower 3 times after I get out of this furnace…”

And then he stepped foot into the marketplace. So many people buzzed with happy thoughts, waving items into his face and yelling how he needed to buy everything. The one thing that caught his eye, though, was a girl who was having trouble with a giant man. He looked to be ready to take off her hand or something. Such a barbarian thing to do, don’t you think?

“Pardon me, gentleman, but what are you doing to this pitiful girl? She’s clearly incapable of meeting your requirements, so I dare say you should let her go.”

“Shut up! She is a thief! She took an apple from my stand and gave it away to some mongrel boy! Now she’s saying she has no money to pay for it!” Vexen watched as he continued to fling his sword about like a crazed fool. Hmm. He had less sanity than Vexen, and that was saying a lot.

“I’ll pay for it, then, if it’s that much of a problem.”

“I want 300 munny!”

“For an apple? Isn’t that a bit overpriced?”

“Then OFF with her HAND!”

“Fine fine, take the munny.” Vexen dished out a bag of munny and threw it at the merchant. He greedily snatched it up and walked off.

“Y-You didn’t have to do that…but…thank you!”

“Oh it was nothing. Next time be a bit more careful—“

“I’ve never seen such an interesting looking man like yourself before…where are you from?”

“Me?” The World That Never Was would sound a bit…pathetic. “Oh not far from here…way past the desert.”

“Did you travel here by camel or something? That’s a long way for someone to go….at least I imagine it is…I’ve never been to the desert.”

“Neither have I until now.” She gave him a curious look but he quickly flailed his hands, “Anyway! What is your name, dear?”

“Jasmine. And…yours?”

Vexen almost revealed his name but remembered the Organization’s history. If she hadn’t picked up on his looks than she might at his name. What should he say? Panicking! “Jack Frost.” Oh you devil. Knowing exactly what to say at the right time.

“Jack? That’s an interesting name…” She pulled her hood closer to her soft, delicate features. She was extremely beautiful for being some peasant girl.

“Interesting place where I live…so it would fit that I would have an interesting name. What’s a charming girl such as yourself wandering around the streets of this place, anyway?” That’s right, be subtle in the fact that he was saying she was gorgeous. Heavens, what was he doing? Hitting on a girl that was probably half his age…or less! Stupid Vexen, he shouldn’t even be dawdling with these people. He had scientific things to do and no time for…for…social…

Wait.

Everyone said that…he needed to get laid. What if…this was the girl? Oho, that tickled him. What if he could get this dazzling beauty to fall in love with him? Such…such brilliance! He knew the perfect way to do it, too! All he needed was the right ingredients, and he could—

“Oh…I..um…I was….looking around. Enjoying the view…” she interrupted his masterful thoughts. Oh yes, don’t forget to pay attention to the sweet young thing.

“The view? There doesn’t seem to be much to this place…it’s very active…but I think the best part is that giant palace over there. Looks absolutely splendid.”

She sighed. Oh boy, he said something wrong, didn’t he? Darn his lack of social skills! He should have known that girls didn’t like palaces!

“It’s nice…but I wouldn’t want to live there. I mean…it makes you feel absolutely trapped.” She hesitated and thought about what she said. Vexen instantly clicked on who it was. Princess Jasmine! Oh this was rich! If he landed her everyone else would be beyond jealous! Aha, and the clocks began to tick in his mind…

“That’s how I felt where I was at so I decided to leave and explore! I wanted something new!” More like he was shoved out because everyone around him was stupid and didn’t know how great his science really was.

Her smile grew across her face when guards started to head their way. Both of them yelled, “They’re after me!” Took a minute to register what the other said and then yelled, “They’re after YOU?”

“No time, woman, let’s go this way!” Vexen grabbed her arm and started to run for it. In and out of the winding buildings, up puzzling stairs and through nooks and crannies. He went through someone’s house and came out dressed as some odd belly dancer. “I have no idea what just happened!” Jasmine shrugged and pointed at a hole in the wall.

“Let’s go that way!”

They ran for it but before they could reach their destination they were blocked off with millions of guards surrounding them.

“This doesn’t look good for either of us, my dear,” Vexen mumbled and gave a slight smile at the head guard.

“You, boy, are coming with us! Grab your clothes!”

“What did I do?”

“You can ask questions later!”

Jasmine ripped off her hood and frowned, “I order that you leave him alone! He’s done nothing wrong!”

The guard gasped, “Princess Jasmine? What are you doing outside of the palace? Never mind, we’ll have to settle that later. By orders from Jafar we’re to retrieve this man and lock him up!”

Oh goodie, now Vexen was in a real pickle…he wasn’t even sure what he did wrong. Oh wait, he did kill a man before he met Jasmine…eeehhh, wasn’t like they could prove he did it. Then again, who said they had a justified court system here?

…Did they even have a court system? Oh the blasphemy. He would be tried for as a witch or something. Great.

Wait. It was a Disney world, wasn’t it? Well then he wouldn’t be tried for as a witch because everything here was magical!

“Don’t worry, Princess, I’ll be fine! I promise.” Vexen was grabbed roughly and forced to the palace. Not a bad looking place inside the wall. Oooh, even the hallways were pretty. Wait. Now its not so pretty. Why were they going down into a dungeon area?

Vexen was pushed down a flight of stairs and he managed to hit every single step until he sprawled out on the bottom.

“Oh the physical agony I’m feeling right now. Why couldn’t we lose sensation along with our dratted emotions?” He scrambled to sit up and cracked his back in several places. They could have at least let him WALK down. “Now what should I do?” Wasn’t like he could escape…the windows were too high, the door was locked, and a portal…a portal would definitely work. But he’d get caught again, most likely, and then he’d be in even more trouble. He was stuck on this world until his ship stopped being such a pansy. A deep sigh escaped him. “Might as well make myself comfortable.” He brushed straw out of his way and laid down, taking a peaceful nap.

He awoke hearing some odd noises coming from across the cell. He sat up and glanced around, eyes slowly adjusting to the DARKNEEESSSS. Ahem. Sorry. Darkness.

“Who’s there?”

“Why…just an old man…” a voice of a wheezing, dying man came echoing back to him. How interesting, he didn’t know anyone else was in the cell with him. Would have been nice to have heard from him before.

“And what, might I wager, are you doing in here?”

“It doesn’t matter, does it? You’re not actually curious enough to know. But what you do want to know is why you’re in here.” The old man wheezed and coughed, coming forward slowly. He had a stick and was hunched over. His beard was crazy and white, and his teeth were absolutely dreadful.

“Mmmyes, I daresay it would be nice to know why I was locked up like a murderer…which I’m not.” Ahem.

“It’s because you have something that Jafar wants. The royal vizier wouldn’t bother with someone like you unless you possess something that he can’t have.”

How did he know about his powers? He hadn’t shown this man a wink of his magic, and bygone he wouldn’t do it anytime soon. “I haven’t a clue what you speak of.”

“In your cloak pocket…did you forget?”

Vexen checked his pocket and pulled out a grocery list, “Oh yes, I need to get eggs for Marluxia so he can make a cake for Saïx. Seems that won’t be happening anytime soon. Not that the blue-haired fool deserves a cake. In fact, I wonder why no one ever makes me such delicacies?”

“No, fool! Not that pocket, the other one! Holding the scarab beetle you picked up!”

“Oh, that silly thing? I found it in the desert. Besides, it’s only half a piece of it…I don’t know where the other half is.”

The old man got even closer, “That’s because Jafar has the other half! I bet you could strike a deal with him…your freedom for the scarab beetle.”

“I could easily escape this place if I really wanted to. But I’ll play along. How do I talk to the man if I’m stuck here?”

The figure hobbled over to a stone and pushed it away with his cane, “Go through there and it’ll lead you outside. Meet Jafar by the far wall…and you will be released from there.”

Vexen sighed and stood up. Ouch. Bad back. He sauntered over and went through the dingy hole, crawling around on his hands and knees until he made it out. Ah, it felt nice to be able to breathe fresh air. And it wasn’t hot out anymore but cool and breathtaking. This was the vacation he was asking for! Well…not that he actually asked for the dumb thing…

But those were minor details.

He quickly went for the far wall, picking up his cloak like a girl walking over puddles. What? He needed room to run in this dumb thing! Finally he made it and a deep exasperation came from him. Dear Lord this was too much work. Maybe he should go back home and stay in his lab and pretend he left? That would be entertaining. All of those parties would be going on without him because he KNEW that those fools were enjoying the fact that he was gone. Then again, Saïx probably wasn’t…heehee..ha!

“You must be the person I’m looking for,” a strange voice caught him off guard. Vexen whipped around and stared at Jafar. Oh yes, back on track.

“Seems so. Here, have the scarab and I’ll just be going on my way—“

“There’s a bit more to it than that. I need you to help me with something…and then you can go on your way without any trouble from me.”

Oh great. What did he look like, a capable young man or something? Yeah right. Unless that face cream was really working magic. “Fine, but only because I want to get out of here. What do you need?”

“We’ll go there…follow me.”

And the longest and worst walk Vexen could ever experience happened. It was very aggravating. Not only was there lots and lots of sand to trek across, but he also couldn’t have a good conversation with Jafar. They both seemed inferior to each other. Vexen would bring up the weather and Jafar would dismiss it. Then Jafar would bring up the princess and Vexen would think that Jafar was trying to be a ***** here.”

“About time. My kneecaps can’t take much more of this imbecilic nonsense. Do you even know how old I am?”

Jafar glared, “I don’t care. Now what you’re going to do is go into the Cave of Wonders and fetch me the lamp—“

“What cave are you talking about? I don’t see a cave around here for miles…”

Jafar held up the scarab beetle pieces and put them together. It came to life, flew around both of them scaring the bejesus out of Vexen, and then hit the sand. A giant head soon appeared and roared at them.

“WHO DARES DISTURBED MY SL—“

Vexen screeched, “Must you be so LOUD?”

The head stopped talking and coughed a bit, “Sorry. Who dares disturb my slumber?”

“Much better. Um. What am I supposed to do?”

Jafar pointed at the mouth of the animal, “Go in and retrieve the lamp. Announce yourself, of course.”

Vexen grumbled and got closer, “It is I, Vexen.”

The cave grumbled a bit and wondered if that counted as a diamond in the rough. Technically no…but…eh whatever. “Enter. But no monkey business. And touch nothing but the lamp! I can feel everything you’re doing, got that?”

“All right already, I won’t do anything except take the stupid lamp. Hmmph.” Vexen entered into the mouth and descending down the stairs. This was dumb. Why was he doing this? He wasn’t getting any enjoyment out of this, nor was he hoping to entertain anyone else. This lamp had better be close or else he was going to freeze Jafar’s face to a rock….if he could even find a rock in this barren wasteland.

His footsteps finally reached the most glorious shining room that Vexen had ever seen. Gold stacked high for miles surrounding his walkway, with diamonds and rubies to match. There was so much magnificent items in there it could make someone drool.

Someone besides Vexen. “Hmm, I don’t see what’s so grand about this place…just a bunch of rubbish looking things. I wonder if it’s a hologram? That’d be interesting…” he continued dawdling by, following the winding path. The lamp had to be around here, right? Someplace he could actually…you know….get to without touching the rest of this crap?

“Why do I always get myself into these terrible situations? Why?” he mumbled and then felt it. Something was moving behind him. Vexen whipped around and saw nothing suspicious. “Hmm.” He turned back and went onward to his destination wherever he was going. “If I were a lamp where would I be?” What kind of lamp was this, anyway? Were lamps even invented here?

He heard more noise and he whipped back around. Wait. That rug wasn’t there before….

Was this some type of an illusion? Perhaps he was traveling down the wrong path, so it would continuously repeat? “What an interesting simulation, but how will I escape it if I have no other path to follow?” That was when the carpet unrolled and started to fly around. “Great Scott! What kind of contraption is this?” The carpet did a circle around him and tickled his sides, making him wheeze with laughter, “Hoohoo, heee, ah! That tickles! You must stop this behavior at once!” The carpet stood on its…feet, or something, and did a small dance.

“You must be a magic carpet?”

It nodded and did another dance, floating about happily. “I see, well I’m on my way in finding a magic lamp…wherever that may be.” The carpet danced and pointed. “You know where to go?” It flailed some more, “I see. Then I’ll follow you!” And off they went, Vexen following the magic carpet. This would definitely have to make it into one of his journal entries. He pulled out his paper and pencil and scrawled down his experience, following carefully so that he wouldn’t bump into anything he shouldn’t. As they reached the end the carpet circled him and pointed at something. There up top a million stone steps was a golden lamp.

“That looks more like a tea kettle to me,” Vexen hissed as he shoved his notepad into his pocket, “But whatever, life’s not fair blah blah. Now to…get up there…”

Vexen waddled over and started to climb. Oh God this was so not a part of his job description. Who the hell did Jafar think he was anyway?

Enough bitching, more climbing.

Vexen made it to the top after a few minutes and he gasped for breath, sitting down as it had taken him longer to get up there than it had taken him to render Larxene speechless. And that woman NEVER shuts up.

“Lamp….it’s time…you come…with me..” Vexen wheezed and snatched up the lamp, shoving it into his inventory. Yes. His inventory. “Now to get back down.” His eyes stared at the many steps he’d have to go. “Well bumbling buckets, I’ll never get down from here…unless…” he waved his hand and the stairs turned to ice. He skied down, screaming like a hooligan as he enjoyed doing wobbly stunts with his knobby legs, until he reached the end and flew to his demise into a giant monkey holding a ruby. “Blast the ruby holding monkey!”

“I SAID TOUCH NOTHING BUT THE LAMP!!!!!!!” Echoed so loudly into Vexen’s head that he could hardly keep his balance. Everything started to melt and get rather hot.

“Oh no!! My dreams of being melted are finally coming true!! I never asked for this!!” As Vexen started to flail something flew under him and started to fly away, taking him back through the cave as it melted and crumbled around him. “GO FASTER!!! FASTER!! WATCH OUT FOR THAT BOULDER!!! NO, THAT ONE!! AIIIIEEEEE!!!!”

Tumbling, tossing, turning, downward, upward, side-to-side. Vexen was all over the place until he reached the top, but the carpet was hit and he clung to the edge, spazzing to death. “Oh heavens to Betsy, I’m going to be melted!!”

Jafar appeared near the side, “Give me the lamp!”

“Gimme your hand, dammit!!”

“The lamp first!!”

“Forget the damn lamp, I need help up!!”

“THE LAMP!!”

“Gaaah!!!” Vexen’s strength could last no longer and he fell to his demise, landing down hard onto the ground. The cave closed up and darkness consumed the area.

“Noooooooooo!!!” could be faintly heard from Jafar outside.

OOOoooOOOooo

Saïx sauntered to his room and opened the door slowly, entering into the darkened area. His eyes glanced to the clock as his hand closed the door behind him. Shower time. He stripped and moved to the bathroom, letting the door linger slightly open in case Xemnas wanted to bother him. The man had insisted on it…

He turned the water on and shivered as it was cold first but slowly turned hot. A smile spread across his face as steamed filled the room, fogging up the mirror. His hand reached over to the shampoo bottle and he squirted a glob into his hand, working it through his long, luscious, blue hair.

“Mmm…”

And commence Herbal Essence re-enactment.

Finally he felt satisfied enough to get out of the shower, stepping out into the misted bathroom. He dried himself and wrapped a towel around his waist, going out to his room wondering whether he should blow dry his hair or not. Couldn’t hurt, eh?

He sat there in the dark drying his long strands of hair, enjoying the heated blast against his skin. His door opened and Xemnas entered, flicking on the lights. His eyes went over and noticed Xemnas staring at him. Saïx gave a questioning look wondering what was wrong. Xemnas waved his hand for him to turn off the hair dryer. With one finger he flicked it off and raised an eyebrow, “Is something wrong?”

“I…didn’t know you dyed your hair.”

“What do you mean?”

“Um….look.”

Saïx turned his head to the mirror and his jaw dropped. Purple. PURPLE. It consumed his blue locks….

A scream could be heard throughout the entire castle. And off on a different planet a boy with brown hair frowned and turned to his sleeping duck and dog friends, “Did any of you hear that?” No response. “Nyeh, I must be imagining it all…”

Back at the castle with Saïx….

Saïx was gasping for breath at that scream, his entire body was shaking. Xemnas backed up to the door, and smiled, “Saïx, don’t get upset. You look fine.”

“I DON’T CARE.” Snarl! “I find out who did this and I’ll DESTROY them!!”

Xemnas shook his head, “Now now, Saïx, let’s not be so quick with the temper….remember what I said—“

Saïx let out a beastly noise, his eyes glowing bright yellow.

“I know you’re upset, but let’s not get too hasty.”

Saïx returned to normal and pointed at Xemnas, “No sex until I find out who did this to me!!”

Xemnas glared, “That’s not fair!”

“Then START LOOKING!!!”

OOOoooOOOOoooo
ooOOOoOOoOOOo

Vexen sat in the driver’s seat of his gummi ship, caressing the smooth leather with one hand. “Goood ship, I love you with all of my non-existent heart. I shouldn’t have left you in that sandy place, but I had no choice. Now now, let’s find a nice place to stay and rest for a bit, hmm?” Why was it when a ship got moody and bitchy the only way to make it feel better was to DEGRADE oneself to buttering it up with stupid words? A ship shouldn’t even FEEL how grateful he was right now!!

Ahem. Stay calm, don’t kill anything yet.

The ship blooped a few times before launching into the sky and exited the world. “Oh thank God. I was sure Jasmine was going to get me if you didn’t react quickly.”

Bloooop.

“Yes, I did marry her, but if my theory is correct, which I know it is, the entire time that I was here wouldn’t exist once I leave. In fact, the world should be right back to normal as if I never went there.”

Bip bip.

“Yes well…I’m not going back to check.” He poked a button, “Now let’s see a new world to go to. Hmm…” The map popped up gingerly and a smiley face appeared up at the corner. The happy meter was on full? There was a HAPPY meter on this damn thing? Eugh. Whatever. “I still need my glasses. Of all contraptions to be missing…” Vexen winced as he tried reading any of the names but found it completely useless. “Oh kitten paste. I can’t see any of it. I guess I’ll go to…this one!” He jabbed one and felt the ship lurch angrily. He flung from his seat and smashed his face into the window, passing out.

When he awoke he felt so dizzy it wasn’t even funny. “Oh, my crab cakes.” He had crab cakes? What was he even saying?

“Where am I?” Vexen asked and looked at the screen. In giant letters it read ‘RADIANT GARDEN’ with little decorations of flowers and what not here and there. “Hmm. Intriguing.” He got out of the ship and started to walk around carefully, examining how much cooler it was here compared to the blasted heat of Agrabah. “Now where should I go? Ah yes, I believe women like meeting men at bars, correct? I wonder if there’s one around here.” He started to wander when a blonde with blue eyes grabbed onto him.

“HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?!?!?”

“I can’t see anything when you shove your retarded head in the way,” Vexen hissed thinking he was being cool and snappy. It finally hit him that saying ‘retarded head’ sounded really low and stupid. “Ahem. See who?”

“He has a sword.”

“My, how descriptive. If I see him I’ll let you know.”

“He’s my darkness!!” the blonde screamed and rushed off.

“How….odd.” Vexen continued to walk when another man approached him. This time it was a brunette.

“Come one and all to the glorious ball! To see the world’s famous dancers! Watch the girls serve as the men work some curves!”

“Pardon, but what in all blasphemy are you talking about?”

The brunette gave a happy smile, “Why, haven’t you heard? The newest frenzy of frenzies is down there in town square!”

“I hate your rhyming, it should stop.”

“Have a glorious day with—“

“Shut up! I’m going to the ball, all right?”

“Okay!”

Vexen moved off. Why was that man chipper? It didn’t make sense. That was, of course, when he came upon an interesting dance going on at the town square. People were…dancing, but it wasn’t normal dancing. And why did everyone’s faces look forced? As if they weren’t really into this dancing at all. Vexen stopped by a silver-haired figure, “Why aren’t you dancing, Rapunzel?” Yes, see if he could woo anyone over with cute names.

Sephiroth turned to face him, “Excuse me?”

“Dear GOD you are a man.”

Sephiroth glared, “Yes.”

“Ahem. I didn’t say anything somehow relating you to a fairytale girl. I promise. But aside from that small note, would you explain to me what’s going on in this world?”

“The computer mainframe has hacked the town’s safety system, and has inevitably infected the water. From there it started to control everyone’s bodies, and it’s obviously enjoying its power.”

“So…you didn’t drink the water?”

“I have…but nothings happened to me yet. I’m assuming you’re not from around here…dressed like that, and inevitably not dancing like the others.”

“No, I just flew in not too long ago.” Vexen casually turned and leaned against the wall and watched as the dancing continued. “How long has this been going on?”

“Two hours.”

“Great Scott, how can they continue that long?”

“They have no choice.” Sephiroth turned to watch it going on, noticing Leon and Cloud returning. “Here they come again.”

“Those two?”

“Yes, they’re annoying as hell. I thought I hated Cloud before this happened, but this is a much worse side of him.”

“I have to agree, is blubbering about ‘darkness’ makes even me cringe, and I, dear sir, am an expert in DARKNESS!” Why did he just scream that?

Cloud went over and cried, clinging onto Sephiroth’s front, “You’re my DARRRRKKKNESSS!!!”

Sephiroth sighed and looked away, trying to keep himself under control, “If only the computer could shut off your brain instead of ******** with it…”

Vexen blinked, “Do you think that if the computer’s mainframe was turned off everyone would return to normal?”

Sephiroth shoved Cloud away, only to have the blonde figure return to clinging to him and continue hissing ‘Darkness!’ to him. “Well, to tell the truth, I think you’d have to make a program that would rewire everything before you could turn the power off. If these people are under the computer’s control, I believe turning it off would inevitably kill all of them. Not that I wouldn’t mind…”

Vexen felt a bit disturbed, this man seemed like quite the killer. Why did he seem like he had read about this man before somewhere?

It was then that he had a small flashback:

Vexen was watching Jeopardy and hit the pillow in his lap, “What is SCIENCE?!”

The television group sat there stumped and the buzzer went off, Trebek pulling up his cards and giving his frown of displeasure, “It was ‘What is Science’.”

“Aha! I knew it!! Suck it, Trebek!”

A figure was suddenly sitting on the couch next to him, “Hey, Vexen.” His eyes went over to Saïx and noticed he had something in his hands.

“What?”

“I want to watch a movie.”

“A movie? But Jeopardy is on!”

Saïx shrugged, “I know, but it’s a re-run.”

“Can’t you watch after I’m done?”

“Not…really. You know how Xemnas is.”

Vexen sighed. He did not want to think about that. “Fine, fine. I don’t see why you can’t watch your damn movies in your own room, though.”

Saïx glared, “Because Xemnas goes there first when he’s looking for me. Besides, remember what Marluxia did to my tv?”

Vexen went into another flashback:

This time Vexen was arriving in Saïx’s room holding onto a dirty magazine with disgust. He dropped it onto Saïx’s floor and glared about the dark room, “Saïx! Where are you?” He flicked the light on and there was Marluxia straddling Saïx, the poor Luna Diviner tied up.

As Vexen pulled back from that flashback to return to the first one, he frowned. “Wait, that was the wrong flashback.”

Saïx frowned, “What were you thinking?”

“Uh…nevermind. What are you watching?”

Saïx held out the DVD and there was Cloud and Sephiroth on the front, in fancy letters it said ‘Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children’. Vexen, of course, frowned at this.

“A final fantasy? That sounds weird. Is this some type of…porn?”

Saïx frowned, “No? It’s about evil villains and good people…and moms.”

“That’s the weirdest porn I’ve ever heard of. Who would involve their mother into such a thing?”

Saïx held the DVD close to him, “Hey, Mother wouldn’t appreciate you talking about her that way.”

Vexen pointed at Sephiroth, “OH! That’s who you are! You starred in that porno Saïx forced me to watch!” Actually wasn’t force, but he didn’t need to know that.

Sephiroth blinked, “A porno? I’ve never done such a thing.”

Vexen nodded, “Oh yes, you must be him. You know, Final Fantasy something or other, Having Lots of Children. Though I do believe it’s rather impossible for two men to have children, even if you’re of some alien form.”

Sephiroth didn’t quite understand his ramblings, but shoved Cloud back onto the floor and pointed toward the other side of the road, “Go that way if you want to find the computer.”

Vexen pointed at himself, “Go by myself? Why, I’m old! I can’t see!”

“You don’t look that old.”

“Well…I’m…OLD.” Fail.

“Fine, I’ll take you…” Sephiroth sighed and started to walk, Cloud and Vexen following him while Leon shouted in the background about the entire ordeal. They went past the silent areas and entered into a small house, finding an old man sitting there drinking tea and stroking his long beard. “And you thought you were old,” Sephiroth remarked. Vexen gave a small shrug, he couldn’t help it.

“Oh my, guests, what’s this?” Merlin stood up and got closer, “Can I help you?”

“Well…perhaps you haven’t been out around town recently, but the entire place is stuck in a dancing fest because they’re being controlled by the deadly computer,” Vexen remarked and got closer to the contraption, “Will this hack into the mainframe?”

Merlin shook his head, “Sadly, no. We can create a program here to help stop it, but you’ll have to actually enter into the computer to get it to work.”

Sephiroth frowned, “Enter…into it?”

“Yes. You know…turn yourself into digitalized figures and go…inside the computer.”

Vexen and Sephiroth stared at each other. They both commented, “You’ve got the wrong people for that.”

Merlin, with his selective hearing, smirked, “You’ll go? How wonderful! Here, Cid made this program beforehand in case of viral outbreaks. I believe it’ll help you in your quest! Hopefully you can fix what’s going on!”

Vexen almost died, “But I’m not young enough to prance around and…and…do these things!”

Merlin whipped his hand in the air, said a few words, and magic shot right at Vexen. Number IV screamed as he was hit and fell over like a dead rat. Sephiroth and Cloud leaned closer, Cloud whispering, ‘Darkness?’ while Sephiroth frowned, “What did you do to him?”

“Made him younger, of course.”

“You can do that?”

Merlin shrugged, “I’ve done it before….all to a bad temptation, but I’m certain he needs the youth more than I do.”

Vexen got up and growled, “Ugh, that was painful.” Hm. He felt different. He looked at himself in a mirror and noticed he WAS younger! “Ah, I almost forgot what I looked like! How absolutely stunning!”

Cloud leaned into Sephiroth, “He doesn’t look any younger.”

Sephiroth hissed at him to shut up, “Don’t ruin the moment.”

Vexen set the mirror down and smirked, “Let’s go…”

They headed down the broken stairs and through the winding maze until they reached the room where Vexen suddenly felt like he was getting a flashback. Ah yes, it was so familiar because they once used to work here! No wonder it was recognizable.

“Porn star! Do you know who that is?” Vexen commented as he pointed at the picture that hanging on the wall.

Sephiroth wasn’t sure if that was his new name or not. Cloud was the one to respond, though, “It’s not you, I can tell you that!”

Vexen glared, “I know it’s not me, you moron. It’s Xehanort! Xemnas’s Somebody! How…intriguing. Hmm…what if I could bring the painting back to him? I wonder if he’d like that…”

Sephiroth thought this over before glaring, “Wait, you’re part of the Organization? You’re the ones who got that kid with the funky hair and a keyblade all up in our business and making us look like losers, right?”

Oh s**t. Vexen was ********. “No no! We clearly were working on our own matters and he came around and started to ruin OUR business! It’s what the brat does! Trust me!”

Sephiroth glared, “If I ever get my hands on him I’ll wring the—“

“DARKNESS”

“Out of him.” Sephiroth glared at Cloud. He totally ruined the affect of his words.

“Yes, who doesn’t want to do that to him? But aside from that…let’s continue onward! I know where we’re going now!” Vexen led the way and they soon arrived where the giant computer was at. The place looked the same as it always had been. “Hmm..well, I’ve never tested out going into a computer before. I think we should send Cloud first.”

Sephiroth nodded, “Agreed.”

Cloud smiled, “Hi!”

They forced him to stand on the X they had distinctly taped on the floor before hitting the ‘Destructo-Doom!’ button. Vexen remembered Xigbar putting it that way just so no one would mess around with that button. It was a b***h getting in and out of a computer, supposedly.

A loud noise ripped throughout the air and Cloud disappeared from their sight.

“I think we killed him,” Vexen mumbled. Sephiroth smirked happily and went over to check the spot out.

“Finally! I’ve killed that lowly infantryman forever!”

The computer suddenly made a few clicking noises and they heard the screaming of a rather frazzled Cloud. “My darknesssss!!! He’s consuuuumed me!!!”

Sephiroth turned his head and saw Cloud on the giant screen. “Curses, he’s still alive….” The man went over and smirked as he started to click buttons. Suddenly a game of pac-man started and Cloud was running around screaming as he tried to escape the wrath of Sephiroth.

Vexen coughed, “Uh. Sephiroth. Not to bother you, but we happen to be in an urgent crisis…”

Sephiroth glared at him as he continued to try and kill Cloud, “I suppose….but once we’re done with this ridiculous mission…”

“Yes yes, you can have all the crazy and wild sex tapes spread throughout the worlds for all I care. Come along, let’s get moving!”

Vexen approached the spot and watched as Sephiroth joined his side. The machine made a zapping noise and soon they fell on top of Cloud in a rather terribly colored area that gave Vexen a horrible headache. “Dear GOD why is it so BRIGHT in here? No wonder Xigbar marked that button for off-limits. It’s…so…”

“Obnoxious?” Sephiroth offered as he stood up, looking at his clothes. “What happened to my clothes?”

Vexen rose up and he was soon staring at digitalized clothing on all three members. They were also in bright colors wearing odd things that were hard to move in. Sephiroth’s attire at least looked like he could breathe in it, Vexen was suffering in his own cloak get up, that wasn’t much of a cloak anymore. If there was one way to describe it, he’d say he was wearing a ballooning triangle with sharp edges.

“I feel retarded,” Vexen grumbled.

Cloud rubbed his head gently as he rose from the ground after being smashed by the two. His senses were suddenly coming to him and he noticed he was with Sephiroth and some stranger. “Where are we? And what am I doing here with the likes of YOU?” Cloud emphasized his last word, directing it toward Sephiroth.

“We’re on a mission to save the townsfolk from never-ending hell. Did you finally get out of that dazed stupor, or are you still the moron that we sent in here ten seconds ago?”

Cloud glared, “Shut up, Sephiroth, you’ll pay for what you’ve done!” He brought out his sword angrily.

Vexen quickly flailed his arms, “Stop this racket you dumb buffoon! Sephiroth isn’t who we’re going for! The computer we’re in right now has poisoned the town’s water, and it has inevitably infected everyone. Why, not too long ago you were still being affected by the dosages in your body. I am to believe that, when we fell on you, your brain overcorrected itself and the water is no longer affecting you. But that doesn’t mean the affect won’t come back anytime soon. So, instead of standing around fighting with Sephiroth, why not help us find the mainframe and destroy the evil-doer? Hmm?”

Cloud contemplated this before glaring at Sephiroth, “Fine, but it still doesn’t change anything.”

Vexen grabbed both of them, “Oh stop your bitchin’ and start walking!”

The group walked out of the small area to only be met by a vast open network created of metal with odd machines going around doing…who knows what.

“Intriguing,” Sephiroth muttered. “Do you think there is anyone here that could help us find the mainframe?”

As if the gods heard Sephiroth, a figure soon approached them. He looked like a normal man, except he was wearing a funky suit much like their own. “Hello! I am Tron, were you sent by my Master?”

Vexen blinked, “Uh…yes! We are here to fix the mainframe computer. He says that the things gone quirky and all.”

Tron nodded, “Understandable, I’ve noticed things are a bit different around here.”

Cloud scoffed, “That isn’t the only thing that’s different.”

Tron frowned, “What else has happened?”

“The town is being controlled by the mainframe computer, actually,” Vexen stated. He pulled up the disc, “We need to get this to the correct area so we can fix the problem.”

Tron smirked and held his hand out, “Oh, I’ll insert that into me and then I’ll take you to the mainframe.”

The three men stared at each other. Insert…the disc…into Tron?

Weird.

Vexen handed it over cautiously and watched as Tron literally put the disc inside himself. After awhile Tron smirked and flexed, “I feel great! This program will surely eliminate the problem! Now let’s go! Though I warn you, the machines around here might attack. Like I said, things are different than they used to be!”

Sephiroth smirked, “Don’t worry, we’re wonderful killers.”

“Fighters,” Cloud corrected, as he chose not to associate with such a word.

Tron looked at the two before another smile came across his face, “Well that’s good! These guys are tough!”

On cue a group of machines popped up, exerting odd noises that gave Vexen even more of a headache than before, “How dandy for these guys to show up.” Vexen shot ice at them and they froze. “There. Now Sephiroth, go kill them.”

Sephiroth pulled his sword out and sliced the creatures swiftly, their dead bodies exploding and vanishing once Sephiroth had KO’d them. “Not even a challenge.”

Tron clapped, “That was impressive! Don’t worry, the challenge is going to be up ahead, I’m certain.”

Vexen sighed, “Oh goodie! Just what we’ve always needed.”

And, as Tron had guessed, there was an actual challenger. Two, to be exact.

“Hello, Tron,” the figure standing before them remarked, a smile on his stern face…if Vexen could even call it that. His helmet and his face looked as if to be combined.

“Sark! I should have known,” Tron growled, “What have you been doing with the mainframe? These people are suffering!”

“I know, Tron, and it brings us great pleasure to know that we will soon rule the outside world!” Sark laughed and looked up at a screen that had a giant face smashed across it. “MCP is to be thanked for it all.”

Tron frowned, “Master’s Child Pornography? But how is such a thing in charge of such a masterful plan?”

The screen talked, which threw Vexen through a whole other loop. “That ISN’T what my name stands for, Tron. Anyway, now that you know we’re behind this all…we’ll have to destroy you.”

Vexen laughed, his maniacal and seedy chuckles resonating in the room. It got him a lot of stares. For being young now he still sounded apeshit insane. “That’s what YOU think. But you cannot defeat US.”

MCP bellowed evil laughter, “That’s what you think! All the townspeople have drunk the poisoned water! You all shall bow before me!!!” Suddenly Sephiroth and Cloud fell to their hands and knees, heads bent to the ground.

“Ugh! What’s going on??” Cloud retorted, trying to stand back up.

“He has complete control over us, we can’t fight it,” Sephiroth replied. He was now in a bad mood. He was having fun not being controlled, and now that he got into this mess he was succumbing to this loser’s wishes.

Sark glared, “This man is an outsider! He isn’t bowing!”

MCP gave another laugh, “Then defeat him!”

Sark suddenly began to grow in size, and soon he was a giant towering above them. Vexen looked at Tron, “I suppose it’s just you and me.”

Tron nodded, “With this program, though, I think I can be of more help! Let us hope they do not have any tricks up their gizmos!”

Vexen snorted at the terrible joke, but pulled his shield out anyway.

An epic battle went on while Cloud and Sephiroth were stuck to the floor. It was a wonderful conversation between the two.

“My neck is starting to hurt.”

“My hair is in my face.”

Cloud glanced at Sephiroth and noticed the silver hair was definitely taking up most of Sephiroth, “Should have gotten a haircut when you could, huh?”

“Pah, it’d just grow back thanks to JENOVA.”

“What’s going on over there? I can’t understand if Vexen is dying or what.”

“His screams are rather misleading, hmm?”

Cloud hesitated a moment as the fight continued onward, finally giving another sigh. “I’d rather be dancing than stuck in this position.”

“You don’t like being stuck in such a vulnerable position?”

“Of course not.”

“I would have thought you were used to being on all fours.”

Cloud glared, but of course Sephiroth would not be able to see it through his mass of hair. “You’ve got me all wrong. Besides, I’m surprised you’re not complaining. You must be the one who enjoys it like this.”

“On the contrary, I’ve never been in this position before.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“You’ve never believed me before, why would I care if you do now?”

Cloud hesitated, “I…used to.” Suddenly they both jerked up and were on their feet. “Ugh. Is it done?”

The MCP laughed, “Far from it, boys.”

Sephiroth pulled out his sword, “Hmm…this does not bode well for Vexen.”

Cloud pulled out his blade, “Vexen, watch out!”

That was um...

Well...

the Tron part amused me?