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 Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 1:14 pm
and id like for u to rate it and tell me some tips and such of how to imprive my writing. PLEASE DON'T HOLD BACK
Here's a short passage...
I lay on the cold hard as fault, blood seeping from my freshly opened wounds. The cold sent of death danced in the air, mist overtaking my body.
How was i supposed to fight for my life, if it was already half way gone?
"Take her body, try to keep her alive, or partially at least."
i heard a man say, gallantly. my vision blurred and i saw to dark figures get closer and closer too me. seeming like a en caged animal, i gave up hopes of living any further.
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Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 2:31 pm
I think its excellent so far.
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Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 2:49 pm
I love it! It just need some minor tweaks. Capitalize your Is and maybe work on punctuation I don't think I saw any punctuation mistakes I think that all you really need to do. 2 thumbs up though! Ok I have a question what does this mean? "I lay on the cold has as fault" I don't understand. Was it a typo or could you just explain it to me? I'm not trying to flame or anything I hope you don't see it like that. Anyway yes I do like/love the passage.
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Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 4:53 pm
XxXfuneralXofXheartsXxX I love it! It just need some minor tweaks. Capitalize your Is and maybe work on punctuation I don't think I saw any punctuation mistakes I think that all you really need to do. 2 thumbs up though! Ok I have a question what does this mean? "I lay on the cold has as fault" I don't understand. Was it a typo or could you just explain it to me? I'm not trying to flame or anything I hope you don't see it like that. Anyway yes I do like/love the passage. Sorry it was a typo and the "As fault" part is that way kuz my computer. it was soposed to be "I lay on the cold, hard asfault" or should it be "I lay on the icy cold asfault"
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Posted: Sun Mar 29, 2009 8:31 am
um.... "I lay on the icy cold asphalt," :]
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Posted: Sun Mar 29, 2009 1:41 pm
I think it sounds excellent.^^ I'd love to read more of it.
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Posted: Sun Mar 29, 2009 3:00 pm
Focus on grammatical errors, nothing else bothered me except the use of the word gallantly. It doesn't seem to correspond with the statement that it modifies.
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Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 10:59 am
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Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 11:51 am
From one writer to another, work on your grammar and keep the story going, I'm already wrapped up as it!
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Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 1:29 pm
I feel like an a**, I'm that one lonesome no up there
*cries*
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Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 3:09 pm
Muffin Says:
Okay! First things first.. This is not a flame! Constructive criticism that you can take or discard, up to you.
I'm going to repeat some already said grammatical errors.. Just because proficiency is my love. xD
XxBam_Marg3raxX I lay on the cold hard as fault, blood seeping from my freshly opened wounds. The cold sent of death danced in the air, mist overtaking my body.
How was i supposed to fight for my life, if it was already half way gone?
"Take her body, try to keep her alive, or partially at least."
i heard a man say, gallantly. my vision blurred and i saw to dark figures get closer and closer too me. seeming like a en caged animal, i gave up hopes of living any further *as fault – asphalt [ Spelling. ]
*sent – scent [ Spelling. ]
*i – I [ Capitalization. ]
*half way – halfway [ One word. ]
*gallantly – I’m not quite sure this is the word you’re looking for..
*my – My [ Capitalization. ]
*seeming – Seeming [ Capitalization. ]
*en caged – encaged [ One word. ]
*i – I [ Capitalization. ]
*hopes – hope
*further – further. [ Punctuation. ]
Oh gawd, that seems very flame-ish. I’m sorry!
But I have praise! For this small tidbit passage, it was really captivating! Just reading it made me itch to know the whole story, the past to this girl, and the present, and what’s supposed to happen next. I really did like it.
Again, sorry, this was not supposed to be a flame. 
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Posted: Fri Apr 03, 2009 3:49 am
The others said it already. Correct grammar and spelling is a must. Considerable if there are just a few but as much as possible practise proper writing.
It's pretty good though I can't really decide how good being that short.
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