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 Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 6:08 pm
Let's rate my poem? =D i'll take any advice
Shadow Child
screwy thoughts of recklessness,
monotonous pulses of timeliness,
healthy presses of sicklyness,
That's what you model me after.
A cough up of happiness,
a spit or two of kindliness,
a brush of carefulness,
That's what i'm missing.
Turn off your stero and blast some of your heart instead.
Lyrics of emo kids driving through your head.
Get me out of the corner of your mind and into your hands,
'cause once you leave, here i'll stand watching your cold silhouette haunt this dear land
so...? whatcha' think? ^.^
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Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 6:18 pm
great use of metaphors and allusions O.o feels a bit short, but it works for it xD and the "mood" was great as well ^^ I like it when it stay the same the whole time other then gos all over the place like some others >_< but all in all great ^^
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Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 7:36 pm
Wonderful! You have a way with words using them metaphorically, and excellent flow. ^^ It almost seems like it's song lyrics. Just a thought I had.
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Posted: Fri May 22, 2009 9:07 am
Excellent work!
It's a short poem full of different emotions,
And also I truly agree with those comments above.
You are absolutely great in using metaphors,
I'll rate it as 4.5 / 5,
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Posted: Sat May 30, 2009 6:47 pm
ε ♥ з  Well, I gotta admit that I'm a grammar nazi sometimes. As such, the first this I noticed was that some lines start with a capital and some don't... I'd advise making them all caps or all not, just so it's all even.
It seems you're trying to rhyme, but not quite getting there - I find that if you don't rhyme properly it's more effective if it doesn't rhyme at all. eg:
Quote: The thuddering strains Of the flying plane Make me think life's all the same Would be better as: The thuddering beat Of the flying plane Is as life's mere repetition Or: The thuddering strain Of the flying plane Is pure, unadulterated pain Or something like that, anyway. Please excuse the utter crappiness, I made that up on the spot. x3 Hopefully you get the idea.
I'd leave a line between the two stanzas of ness, ness, ness, somethingelse and the next stanza of ead, ead, and, and. It sort of shows that you're going on to something slightly different. Maybe.
Please remove the emo kids... It just feels totally jarring and spoils the mood, imo. Try depressedness or something that gives the same idea but without killing the poetry.
I think there's a few unneeded words, especially in the last few lines. "Some of", "of your mind", "cold silhouette" and "dear" seem unneeded, and are clunky when you read it. Taking these out and fixing grammatical errors that appear, You'd end up with this for the last stanza:
Quote: Turn off your stereo and blast your heart instead. Lyrics of depressedness driving though your head. Get me out of the corner and into your hand, 'cause once you leave, here I'll stand, Watching you haunt this land. If you read that out loud it's a lot easier to say than the current version. In fact, readiing out loud is often the best way to check the flow of a poem, a very important factor.
I hope my inexperienced ramblings haven't a) put you off, b) sounded rude, or c) been completely stupid. x3 ε ♥ з
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