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 Posted: Thu Jan 06, 2011 10:32 am
(( OOC: Hey everyone. I just wanted to make an announcement that I'm going to make the grading more difficult and thorough. Please don't be offended by the scoring. Since the point of this is to help you become a better writer, I want to be harsher for your benefit. I'd like the average score to be in the thirties to forties.
Sorry Rhaps. I didn't get to write my review. If you have questions, please let me know. I'd love to share my thoughts with you. Like I said, the scoring was made to be much harsher. Good writing though. Look forward to seeing more of it. smile ))
7. 1.18.10: for Erratic Rhapsody
Following Instructions: 10
Characters: 8
Grammar/etc: 4
Introduction/Conclusion: 6
Setting/Action: 8
Total: 36
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Posted: Thu Jan 06, 2011 10:36 am
New Prompt
8. 1.6.11: “A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.” - Winston Churchill
Instructions:
1. 200 word limit
2. Cannot use a medieval setting.
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Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2011 2:27 pm
8. 1.6.11: “A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.” - Winston Churchill
Instructions:
1. 200 word limit
2. Cannot use a medieval setting.
At the Leader’s command, he charged across the grassy field, thunder in his heels and destruction in his eyes. He could feel the hopes of his allies riding in this strike, willing him to break through. The enemy line loomed just ahead, solid and steadfast. Undaunted, he powered forward, finding some last reserve of energy to be unleashed in this final effort. Opposing strengths clashed; victory hung in the balance. Then an explosive force threw him back and he hit the ground in resounding failure. He closed his eyes.
When he rose, he found himself linked in the chain, prisoner, between others he recognized as captured from his own side. Looking at their numbers, defeat was almost certain, but hope remained in those across the field…
Emily saw their greater strength and numbers. Their ranks swelled with her own people, pressed into service by enemy hands. Still, she remained standing, unbowed. She and those left beside her would fight to the end; they could still recover those lost, and win! She gave the call to arms – arms that would not yield. She drew a great breath and let forth the battle cry:
“Red Rover Red Rover we call Jason over!”
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Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2011 7:24 pm
7. 1.6.11: for Raeyna Ficst
Following Instructions: 10
Characters: 8
I took off two points because I think the male character in the beginning should have been given a name—like Emily.
Grammar/etc: 6.5
I would have liked to see more variation in the introduction and sentence variation. For example, the use of M dashes. I think the first line might have been more impactful written like this:
At the Leader’s command, _____ charged across the grassy field—thunder in his heels and destruction in his eyes.
What you wrote is a good sentence, but you followed the same format for two following sentences. (In that there is an independent clause and then a descriptive clause at the end). Any of them can be written with an M dash after the independent clause. Example: The enemy line loomed just ahead—solid and steadfast.
In the third paragraph, you have an unknown reference. Maybe, “Emily saw the enemy’s greater strength and numbers…” would have been better.
In the third sentence of the third paragraph, I think an adjective of her emotions might have been more appropriate. Such as “Still, she remained standing, unafraid/fearless/apprehensive.”
Introduction/Conclusion: 8
I took off two points because of the repetitive introduction discussed above.
Setting/Action: 10
Couldn’t think of anything to take off points for. smile
Total: 42.5
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