Femmunition
That was pretty good for a white boy. xD
From this post, I'd say that in a battle, you'd lose because you don't insult your opponent enough to damage them, but I can't really judge since it's only 1 post, maybe next time you'll hit people with more insults. However, in flow, you'd probably excel. I'd say work on your creativity a bit more.. experiment with metaphors, word play and etc.. Since you're a roleplayer, you're probably already good at this. But... but... I iz a nise pursun...
When I write poetry, I tend to use more figurative language, but in general I'm usually blunt as hell. Let me think of another one that might work.
EDIT: Okay, here goes.
Check it, check it.
Chillin' in the hood with my homies and bros,
But when I see you walk up, b***h, you been stankin' like hoes.
You can't rap, you can't spell, you can't even complain,
'Cause when I bust out my nine, b***h, it is you I will flame.
In my hood they call me sir 'cause I'm the big bad dog.
I rock a 90 wit a 'nade, crossin' thick black fog.
I bust in yo hood, b***h, wit my 90 aflame,
But dem shells, they do nothin' 'cause yo face is a shame.
The smoke clears, the crowd clears and the place is a mess,
Then I grab you by your collar and I beat you to 'fess.
Interrogatin', Collaboratin' wit da junkies in back,
But you won't fess up, b***h, 'cause you're too high on crack.
I'm cuffin' you up 'cause I'm the man with the plan,
I throw you into my car because your too weak to stand.
I haul your fat a** down to County '05,
And so I lock yo a** up because yo mama don't drive.
Peace.
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