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 Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 3:17 pm
well i did something stupid... again... i cut my self... i feel so unworthy right now... i dont want to tell my girlfriend, cuz i promised her i wouldn't do it again... and now i feel guilty, ashamed, and unworthy, like i said above..
and to make things worse, my mother started to yell at me, which wanted me to do it again... right now i am so stressed out... i'm worried about what might happen when i go on my high dose of pills... i'm worried about school, i do good, but now i'm failing two out of four classes.... And I feel like such a stupid ******** idiot...
god.. right now i want to die. i want all this s**t to end. I want it all out of my ******** head.. ******** damnit.. my mother and i got into another fight, and well she said somethings about how she was sooo mature when she was 17, and moved out, and lived on her own, and worked fulltime and s**t..
from my point of view, she was telling me to get the ******** out of her house and live on my own... she well i took that to heart, and i'm thinking of actually moving out of this hell hole if it solves some of my ******** problems.
i feel like draging a knife deeply across my skin, watching it as it rips at my flesh, as the blood pours all over my arms... but i cannot do it, and yet i want to so badly, sooner or later, i will fall vitcum to the urges i dont want, to the things i never wanted in my life...
and yet... i dont care what i leave behind right now... right now.. i want to run, i want to feel no more emotional pain... i'm 17, and i am, from what my doctors says, an other experts, getting stress levels, that only adults get... they put that into smiple forms for me... but what they really mean, is that i'm ********, and the only way to stay alive is my meds... which seem now not to be working... but yet again, i always get a bit "emotional" durning the upgrade of degrade of my meds...
i seriously do not know what to do with my life... run away, kill myself, live in a hospital the rest of my life... or the path that i want.. but i know it will be even harder to get... is to fix all of this ******** s**t..
good night..
and thank you.
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 3:35 pm
Okay, first, I want to recommend not telling your girlfriend if you think it will hurt her unless there's a good reason to. I know you're feeling badly, and you should let her know this, but you should try not to drag her down too.
Going on a higher dosage of anti-depressants might not help. It will more than likely change how you feel, though, for better or worse. You might feel happy or it will be difficult to decide how you actually feel, or you might not feel at all. It really does depend.
School is mostly set up to effectively brainwash you while giving you the bare minimum of an education. So I wouldn't stress that too much unless an education is absolutely essential to you being happy in the long run.
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 5:19 pm
The reason anyone cuts is to cope with what ever pain they are feeling that they just can't deal with. So now rather then dealing with the pain and stress you had before you can deal with the guilt and shame which is a bit easier to manage.
So if you want to stop cutting you have to deal with the things that are hurting and stressing you. Why was you mother yelling at you? Does she often yell? What does she yell about?
How about the pills? What are they for? Assumedly a doctor put you on them. Did they not address all your concerns?
And school. Normally you do well but you are staring to struggle. Are you still trying as hard as you used to? Or are you applying yourself less because you don't feel motivated?
I know when everything piles up it can feel totally unbearable but when you break everything down into little pieces you start to realize that it is manageable.
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 5:21 pm
Mmm I'll be a bit conflicting with the previous poster.
I think you SHOULD tell your girlfriend. Honesty is the best policy, and if she really cares for you, she might be upset but you need to keep honesty in your relationship to avoid other problems.
Cutting yourself will not help any of your problems. Try to relax with breathing excercises. Care for yourself first, before worrying about grades. If you're recieving medication, you must have a psychologist or therapist prescribing them, so talk to him/her and see if you can take a few days off from school to calm down and get organized.
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 8:10 pm
i wont be able to take a few days off of school, my mother is a b***h like that... she yells at me about mostly everything i do worng, even the things i do right... I've tried to cope with it before, and it ended up withme in a hospital... which i did not enjoy there.. so tomorrow i'm starting the new dose, so either, saturday, or sunday i will the effects of it. and yes they sat me down and told me what they couold and couldnot do. i understood them.
I dont want to tell my girlfriend what i did. i'm ashamed of it. I tell her everything. and yes i mean everything, even when i was smoking i told her. i tell her everthing, but sometimes, you know, i need to try to cope by myself. sometimes it works and other times i ended up more ******** than i started. I love my girl, I know honesty is the best, but if I tell her it'll ripe her heart open. And thats one thing I cannot do. I cannot make her hurt on my behalf. I dont want to drag her down with me. I never want that. *sigh*
I dont know why... but i told my doctors how i felt, for the past week... (( i mean i told them how i feeling, i dunno why though.. i dont like them..))
i hate, lothe, my doctors, i love my therapist though, shes so nice...
I've been feeling like this, ******** up, for the past weeks, and well i've been keeping inside of me, i dont want my friends to worry, i dont want my girlfriend to worry.. i keep it all to myself, until i can see my therapist, and let it all blow out there... but.... i know i am betraying my friends by telling them with a smile, oh no, i'm good. i'm good. nothing bothering me right now, but our stupid teacher. *laughs*
i make them feel like i'm good, but inside i want to tell them i want them to know... but than again i dont want them to feel my pain... tonight... i dunno what i'l do, i know that i will not cut, i might just cry that seems like all i'm good at... is crying, complaining, and being an a** to my friends by lying...
I just want to tell them all, at once. with no one else around but me, and them... but that will never happen. i know for a fact... Maybe i should take a break for a while, i think i will ask my mother on monday morning... maybe she'll let me stay home for a coulpe of days of rest.. but than again, i dont believe mymother can be that nice....
i'm off now. to try to get some sleep..
bye.
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Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 4:41 am
I know you don't believe your mom can be compasionate. I am not sure what the situation is exactly, but a lot of times parents react in harsh ways because they are having a hard time coping with situations. She might yell at you because of displaced anger. It is possible that she blames herself for things that are happening to you.
On the other hand, some parents are just strange and act in odd ways.
I know that it is hard to build up the courage to talk about your feelings on a deep level, when you don't know how your mother will react. Would it be possible for you to confront her in a controlled setting? I know that if you asked, you therapist would set it up for her to come in with you one time so you can tell her how you feel.
Parents always take things better when you put it in "help me" terms. If you say something like, "i need you to help me through this." and then explain to her how you feel when she yells. Your therapist could also help you to word things in non thretening terms, so she will be less defencive.
YOu should really try to find a physical activity to do when you need to release your feelings. That way you still have something that you can personally do when you are upset. instead of cutting, or smoking, you could do something like kickboxing. You can invision what it is that is getting you down, and use the bag to embody those feelings.
If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. ^-^
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Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 1:29 pm
If you feel you need to tell your girlfriend, tell her. I don't know how long you've been dating ort what she's like, but after I've been with someone a while I can tell when they're down. And it bothers me.
It's good you're seeing a theripist, but don't use her as a... dump all? I can't think of the right word. But it seems like you use her as the only real way to release your stuff. That's not good.
Seems like you're showing diffrent, calculated sides of yourself to diffrent people, and, trust me, that can drive you crazy.
So try to be yourself in all things.
And, yes, worry about yourself first. Can't make many people happy if you're hurting.
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Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 2:09 pm
I understand what your going through because I've been dealing with some less than admirable qualities that hurt me. First thing that I recommend though is telling someone close to you. It doesn't have to be your girlfriend but telling someone is something that I've done and it's really helped. They've encouraged me to do healthier things and helped me to focus on more positive things like writing in a journal to vent about any problems and/or taking up new hobbies. I know that I didn't have to do anything new, just being around more people has helped.
But, I realized that if I wanted to drop a habbit I needed to pick up two new things to do to help take my mind off of it, I deffinetly recommend doing that.
If you want any more help or you feel like venting to someone that wont blab to anyone than please, fell free to PM me.
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