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rolejunkie42 Vice Captain
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 Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 8:05 pm
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Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2009 5:35 pm
The first part starts off a bit..oddly.
You might try rephrasing how you open the story up.
Instead of saying "The room finally came back into focus. Chris had finally re awoken after what seemed to be an eternity. He had tried to get up but discovered his efforts were only met by extreme pain."
Try this:
Chris groans in pain he begins to wake up from what seemed to be like an eternity of slumber. He tries to get up but suddenly realizes that despite all his efforts, it was just too painful to even try to move.
In the first sentence, you started out in present tense, in the second you moved on to past tense in a sense. Try to keep things constant, even though it tends to be hard sometimes.
Other than that, I thought it was pretty good, some other areas could probably use some re-phrasing but nothing too big.
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Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 9:05 am
"It didn't hurt quite as much as it did to try to get up period but there ..."
"Some of the most minute tasks took a lot of energy. "
I am not a native of the engllish language, and these were the parts a had to read a few times to understand.
It's nice though. Still some details need some working but in general it's a really nice one.
3nodding
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Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 12:26 pm
ahh yes thank you for those comments. I really felt like i needed to change some stuff but i wasn't sure how to change it. Thanks for the help. Actually i need to go back and check the spelling of some words because i think the words that spell check told me were right weren't the ones i was looking for.
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rolejunkie42 Vice Captain
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rolejunkie42 Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Feb 14, 2009 8:54 pm
well i wanted to update my story by posting an excerpt of my first chapter here.
" Hey Chris Whatcha doin'?" Chris opened his eyes. The sun was shining in its golden brilliance. The sky was perfect and cloudless. what? Where am i? Chris Looked to his left and saw his childhood friend Kristine starring back at him. Wait why is she here? He thought. " Hello Earth to Chris you there?" Chris couldn't help but notice her light brown skin radiating in the sun. Her long dark hair
" Sorry i guess i just zoned out for a minute." Chris said. There was something wrong with this scene. It was just too perfect. Chris propped himself up and looked at the town before him. From the hill they were lying on Chris could see people going about their daily lives. Old man Horrace was driving his old pickup down towards the town market to sell his crops. Further down the road Chris could see People stopping by the old barber shop to talk about the latest news. And further down the street They could see people coming out of the church. out front there were several people carrying a casket followed by the mourners. Its Kyle Genaskies funeral. But that means...
" So what were you dreaming about?" Kristine asked him.
" Nothing at all. I don't really dream you know."
" Everyone dreams Chris, Even if you don't remember doing it you could've been dreaming the whole time." She gives him smile " You dream until the moment you wake up." Chris began to feel uneasy. This was not the world he remembered. All of the events were real but not like this.
" i'm beginning to wonder if all of this is a dream actually. it all seems so perfect."Chris says, Realizing that the sun had begun to set. Some clouds began to accumulate on the horizon.
"Well then enjoy it. Some say you never dream the same thing twice." Suddenly everything felt light. Chris looked down only to see that the earth beneath him had crumbled and fallen. " Kristine!" Chris yelled as he looked up and reached for her. She stayed in the same position while she fell. Her smile never changed. Just before Chris grabbed her She was jerked away by some unseen force. "Kristine!" Suddenly Chris felt a sudden burning sensation throughout his entire body. The entire world disappeared in a bright light.
"NO!" Chris yelled as he woke. He was back in the hospital bed but something didn't seem right. Chris looked at his arms and noticed that there was red smoke coming from them. He lifted the covers off only to see the rest of his body giving off the same red smoke. The smell burned his nostrils. He wasn't burning and the worn clothing he had on was fine but the smoke still remained. " Kyra are you there?" Chris called into the darkness. He could hear some footsteps in the hall walk away from his room. It must have been someone that Chris hadn't met yet. The pain he felt from the day before had subsided. He began to move his legs without a real problem. He then tried to stand next to the bed and stumbled a little. Once he got his balance back he walked slowly towards the table on the other side of the room. Kyra had left all of his stuff there. Now the smoke was making him nauseous. Chris fought off the urge to puke as he took out his long red coat and put it back on. There were quite a few holes in it from his accident. It looked more like several tattered pieces of cloth that somehow stayed together rather than a coat. The smoke still found its way through the coat but it wasn't as thick as when he had awoken. He found a pair of jeans that looked less tattered than the coat, but it had still seen some action. The smoke had all but dissipated when he put on the old jeans. He reached into the pack and had only found one of the revolvers. Kyra must have had the other one. He found the belt holster that went with it and put it on. Although there were slots for bullets on the belt there wasn't many left. Chris had reloaded the revolver and put it back into the holster. The smoke had stopped coming from his body now. Chris nostrils still burned although he wasn't feeling as nauseous. He decided that he would go give Kyra a surprise visit. If he could find her.
That was just a first draft excerpt of the first real chapter in the story.
Comments? Suggestions? Corrections? All of the above?
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