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 Posted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 7:11 pm
“What Lie Beneath the Sealed Crevice”
Benny’s chest heaved as he sprinted along the dark trails through the Gorge Park. He raced across the bridge in front of King’s Cave and darted off the path, taking refuge in Prince’s Cave. Benny sat there, listening to his heartbeat ringing in his ears. All was silent outside. Benny took this temporary reprieve to look back on the events that had led him to this horrible point.
It had all been Frankie’s fault! he had convinced them that there was treasure behind that old sealed crevice by Mary Cambell Cave. So they had waited, Frankie, Benny, Joe, and George, until Halloween, when nobody would be in the Gorge, to go with hammers and crowbars to open the fissure that had been long ago sealed up with bricks. They toiled for hours until finally, during the last rays of twilight, they dislodged the central brick. Using crowbars to pry it loose the great stone block had fallen out onto the ground, leaving a gaping black hole in the crevice. Frankie had stuck his head through the hole, only to be pulled through by something within. They had stood there stunned as Frankie’s screams of terror were ended by an abrupt crunch.
As they ran for their lives through the deepening gloom, they could hear the thing inside the crevice break loose from its prison. The three remaining boys had tried to escape the park, but it had been waiting for them beneath the old pavilion, where it had gotten George. Then it had chased Benny and Joe back into the park until Joe stumbled and fell at the Tangled Trees, leaving only Benny.
Suddenly there was a rustling from outside Prince’s Cave. It had come for Benny. He rushed out from his hiding place and ran for the river. With it bearing down upon him Benny leapt into the frothing waters. Benny drowned in the icy river, his body found a few days later. The other boys were never found.
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Posted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 7:26 pm
I wrote this during halloween for a school writing contest, the word limit was 350 words! gonk Still I guess it went over well becuase I ended up with an honorable mention.
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Posted: Sun Mar 22, 2009 4:16 pm
Hmm. I won't lie, I don't like this piece of yours. It may be the length constraint that was put on it, I know from reading your other pieces that you liek to go into detail, but I think it would have been more effective had it been done differently. If you really want to get a sense of terror, retelling what has already happened from one characters view isn't the way to go. You have to make the audience wait for the sickenening crunch as Frankie's body gets pulled through the opening. It makes more of an impact that way. Also, the ending felt quite rushed, again I realize the length constraint, but the only thing I really felt at learing that Benny drowned was 'oh, that's nice.'
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Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 12:48 pm
I agree with Stelle, I think if you were able to tell the tale from the start, instead of beginning as a character's memory of the event, you could make it much creepier. The idea is a good one, though. Word constraint can seriously cramp what could be an awesome piece. Give it another go, I'd love to see what would come of it. smile
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Posted: Sat May 09, 2009 6:17 pm
Perhaps I'll have another go at this someday, but for now it is time to rewrite the chronicles...again.
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