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Please leave any feedback you may have about my poetry..

Thank you...

I will post them every so often so I can look at the feedback of each one...

Crimson Tears

*This is the intro to an Evanescence-style song I am creating*

Crimson tears roling down my face
Dreadful fears that none can erase
Fallen cheers are flooding this place
Yet no one hears the (sorrow, darkness) in this space
*No one hears this screaming in this empty place*

OK...now here are the notes on this....

This intro is supposed to be done by a guy with a very slight british accent with a semi-deep voice....
The BOLD words stand for when he sings unusually deep, there is almost no backgound music here, and the rest of the band sing deeply too, but softer and like a shadow of him singing, then there is a small pause and it goes back to normal singing, from normal to semi-high pitch....

For the sorrow and darkness, they both fit depending on the type of song you create....sorrow fits best for me...

For a while I had a mental block about how I would transition the third line to the rest of the song...My friend had given me the line in *'s to try and help me...but then I thought of my last line...

*I will post more updates, notes, inspirations, etc. for my lyrics later*

(The intro to Crimson Tears is also published in 2 books.)

(Please remember that these are copy and pastes of posts I've made on another forum.)

thanks...now here is what I have for the rest....

just remember i had a major block on this one...so big I forget how its supposed to sound...
Also it is sung by a woman here...

V1

Can you hear the silent screams?
Can you see the shattered dreams?
Can you see through my clouded mind
Where the hope is hidden behind?
Can you see it or are you blind?
My soul is in a place none can find.
My soul is being torn apart
Because darkness is growing in my heart.
Can you feel my pain?
Cause this feeling is one I can't explain.
I feel trapped in my brain
stuck in an everlasting maze
lost in this dismal haze
wandering around in a menacing daze.


Ok,the reason there is a V1 at the top is because that is version 1 ....right now its just ideas rolling around in my head....

I have a block because of that underlined word.....it doesn't fit with the rest of the song at all because it is aggresive...I need something to keep the correct tone...

Because of this block I can't remember how it is supposed to sound exactly.....all I remember is that it is faster than "Hello" and slower than "Wake Me Up Inside".....

I had found the right word one time on the Microsoft word theasaurus....but i didn't have a pencil with me at the computer.....so i closed out of it, went to my desk, got the pencil and went back to write down the word.......as I went to write it, I forgot the word...and I couldn't find the word again....

*sigh*

well there you go....
Enjoy....

..Like I said I have a mental block and I get them easily....