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 Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 8:50 pm
I hear alot of people wanting to die. There's something you should know, and I'll tell you because I've experienced it. The effects of suicide.
My mom is suicidal. I know it and it hurts. How many times has she tried? 3..4...I don't know, I lost count. My memories fade, but the vivid memories of the panic, the horror of knowing someone loves you so little that they'd end themselves....fulling knowing how much it would destroy you and also knowing you'd find their body.
I used to stay up all night. I'd fall asleep in my chair. Listening...listening to her breathing. She's still breathing, right? Ok, so she's alive...I hope she hasn't tried to do it again. Down some more caffine...buying Jolt by the cases and caffinated mints...whatever I could get to keep me up to hear her being alive.
It hurts, you know? She isn't dead yet, but she is. She wants to be so bad and she doesn't care. I know she's gone but I won't let her body go too. I can't fix her but I try. Everyone does. She doesn't believe them. The world is against her and her life would be better if she never had me. It's my fault, she says. Should I die too? Would it make her want to live again? It's all my fault. I'm worthless. I should die.
It's my fault - I deserve to be punished. I cut, and I cut hard. More pain. Better. I deserve it because it's all my fault. Slash, slash...it's all better. The more I bleed, the better I feel. I'm punishing myself because I deserve it. In and out of sleep, while sleeping I'm still aware of the guilt.
And again. She goes. 911, ambulance...been there, done that. Here, Mr. Paramedic...here's the medicine she has. Here's what she probably took. You should give her glucose and charcoal. I know this. I've been here. Bright hospital lights and a pounding headache surrounded by people in the waiting room while they stablilize her. The man next to me keeps pounding away at his cellphone sending messages, each time he recieves one it rings loudly. I want to tell him to shut up. I hate him. Stop it. My head hurts and my heart it splitting...stop it..
And somewhere along the line Children Services said I couldn't stay. I still live in fear of what I know is going to happen. My aunt is sweet and great to me. She loves me but sometimes I don't think I deserve it. I know it isn't my fault but my heart isn't rational, my feelings won't listen to rationalization.
She's going to die. And even if she doesn't, she's dead. She walks around dead inside and it kills me. Everyone is falling over themselves to help her but she doesn't want help, she wants someone to fix her life.
Life deals you a bad hand sometimes. Do you get up? Do you stand up and know that life will not beat you. Or do you stay down and admit defeat and be sad?
Getting up when you fall is hard. Staying down is easy. If you fight...you can be happy...but I guess some people don't want to fight.
They don't want to see how lucky they are to have people who love them and people who want to help. But no one can fix your life. Only you can change it.
Please understand...your choices affect those who love you. Some of you think you have no one, but you're blinded by dispair. People love you and care about you. Somewhere out there, there is someone. Get help. You dieing may end your pain, but everyone else will suffer so much it's nearly unbearable. The feeling is impossible to discribe. Your heart freezes and hardens and breaks into a million tiny little pieces.
All you can think is "Is it my fault? What did I do? Is there something I could have done? If only I had..." and your life turns into "What if I had..." and "If only..."
I think this is the hell people talk about in the bible. It has to be.
This is what suicide leaves in its wake. It's the reality and truth of suicide.
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Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 10:48 pm
Well, I don't exactly know your mom and I'm sorry if I'm inferring to much but if you ask me I don't really think your mom wants to die. For one, if she really wanted to die she could tell her doctor that she wants to be DNR and she could take certain measures to refuse any treatments, and considering that most people who have multiple attempts of suicide are people that don't really want to commit suicide. If you ask me, I think your mother wants to stop feeling some sort of pain and she just wants to be relaxed and she wants people to love her in a way that's fitting to her. However, sometimes when you're irrational and everyone is on you things are even harder to rationalize because there is a higher level of frustration and stress already added onto the amount that is making you unstable. The hardest thing for some people is finding a coping method and that's what you should try and find for your mother. It might be a bit hard though considering how long she's been like that and how old she is but one step at a time helps.
Anyway, this is in no way offense to you; however, it seems like you're guilting people to thinking that they shouldn't commit suicide because they have family and people that care about them. While this is true, in almost every situation, people should still have the right to die and be able to make the decision despite what they left behind.
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Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 11:30 pm
I do agree that suicide can be very tragic and unnecessary when it happens. Though I myself have never had to deal with one firsthand I have known others who have and have indeed witnessed what they have gone through. And I believe that it can often be prevented when someone either asks for help directly or makes a cry for help(or more than just a single one) and recieves intervention for their issues.
However, I also understand what it is like to feel suicidal, since I have been through it before. You want relief from all of the negative emotions inside of yourself, but you just often cannot bring yourself to find that relief because the pain is too great and there is no guarantee of success. And when it comes right down to you are either able to go through with it or you are not. Or you simply end-up injuring yourself in a failed attempt. One way or another, life goes on.
After a while you become better and better at hiding it. Nobody asks you any questions, nobody ever asks you what might be wrong, and nobody becomes the wiser. And as a result hardly anybody ever offers help. It's very depressing, but in a strange way it works. You learn to deal with it.
I am sorry to hear about your mother. And I hope that your situation does not spiral out of control any more than it already has. There are people here who can help you of course in the way of advice if you ask.
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Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 8:51 am
ButterBalls
Anyway, this is in no way offense to you; however, it seems like you're guilting people to thinking that they shouldn't commit suicide because they have family and people that care about them. While this is true, in almost every situation, people should still have the right to die and be able to make the decision despite what they left behind.Alot of suicidal people think "Oh, well, they'll get over it" and just don't realize how truely devastating it is. They don't want to see how much people love them and care for them. It's you're going to choose an action, you should know the consequences. No, your family and friends will never get over your death because there is, surely, at least one person in this world who cares about you and would be there for you if you just ask for help. Anyway, as far as my mom goes...you never know. Well, anyway, she couldn't refuse treatment because she was pretty out of her head for the first few days after she tries to kill herself. Plus, if you're suicidal, you can't refuse stuff...all you can have is a DNR.
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 2:30 pm
Hoshitachi Alot of suicidal people think "Oh, well, they'll get over it" and just don't realize how truely devastating it is. They don't want to see how much people love them and care for them. It's you're going to choose an action, you should know the consequences. No, your family and friends will never get over your death because there is, surely, at least one person in this world who cares about you and would be there for you if you just ask for help. Anyway, as far as my mom goes...you never know. Well, anyway, she couldn't refuse treatment because she was pretty out of her head for the first few days after she tries to kill herself. Plus, if you're suicidal, you can't refuse stuff...all you can have is a DNR.
I think you're assuming just a little much and I think you're also assuming that the parents and the family is going to be very supportive and know how to handle it. That's not the case and that's not the case in a lot of situations, at least from what I've seen. More than likely, the person that you tell is going to tell someone and then they're going to tell someone and it'll get back to your family and your family would rather lock you up in an institution or put you in counseling rather than dealing with the problem themselves. They have to know someone cares about them and that's the problem. Sending your kid of somewhere doesn't exactly imply that you care much for them.
Yes, I can agree that most likely one person will care for you but often times when someone is suicidal that person isn't the right person or that person isn't the person they want caring for them the most. Most of the time they want someone close to them so they can talk to without any worry. Talking to your mom about "Hey, I'll stab myself with this piece of glass" isn't exactly an ideal conversation with your mom. Nor would it be comfortable, I would think, in most situations.
I don't know about that, I think it's your right as a patient to be able to refuse any treatment so long as you're cognitive.
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Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 6:50 am
Wow...
I may not be as literate as some of you, and I may not be as smart as some of you in the field of Psychology, or what goes on in someones mind when they are suicidal. I may not even know what it's truly like to feel like I am at the bottom of the pit...
You all may be people who have experianced this first hand. You could be people who have never seen or met a suicidal person. Someone who has never seen the constant fear in their eyes. Or, you could be a very helpful, loving person who just wants to help others to the best of their abililty. I can't know that, no one really can.
Hoshtachi made an undying point in my heart. I've read a lot of stories, and a lot of beliefs. A lot of things that come straight from someone's heart, and you can tell that is how she wrote this. It hit me hard. Here, I sit in class almost wanting to break down in cry because everything she said about her mom, is something I can relate to.
The only difference, is I'm the suicidal, and I'm watching how my parents are dealing with my problems. The family, and friends may hurt in the end, very badly. But who is to say the Suicidal isn't hurting as well? Sure, our perceptions might be a bit warped due to our illness's. People know that a sociopath may not be as 'in their right mind' as a regular old Joe Brown walking down the street.
I suffer, daily. Just as many other suicidal people do. Being constantly shot down by my parents, and being told how completely worthless I am. How much they hate me and despise my exsistance, how much they would pay to have taken the consequinces of sex back. How my grandparents sit and tell me that because of my issues, I am the one who is destroying my family, and making my parents so hostile. To have my mother go to her friend, and have her FRIEND fricken tell me that I am killing my own mother. And so I cut, I cut to make myself numb. The more I cut, the more I can't feel the pain. The more I see the blood, I know the pain, I know the reason that it's there. I know how.
So what is there to be said, for those of us who feel like we're in a big town. We're downtown and we're just walking around. Next thing we know, there is a gun pointed to our heads. We flip, they shoot. We are wounded, and knocked down two feet further backward, then where we started. It can take us days, months, or even years to get back up and before we know it B.A.M we're back down on the ground again. How do we keep going on? How do we keep throwing ourselves further forward?
I know that there are counselors, and believe me I've seen one. I see a Psychologist twice in a 7 day period. Talking about my problems is fine, but what happens when I'm under the anxiety, the fear, the words and threats of my parents? I don't have friends, because I had to get away from the drugs.. Because it was ruining my thought process even more. I made a choice, now I have no one. That's okay, I don't mind being alone. I mind the hostility that is thrown at me. Just because some of us have problems, we aren't aliens you know?
I guess, all I'm trying to say, through out this whole drawn out post, is that some of us who are Suicidal, feel the same way Hoshitachi. I may not have a parent who is suicidal, but I continually have every doubt, every bit of hurt imaginable, and every crude thing thrown back in my face. Not only does your mother wanting to die, break you down. But my parents not showing that they want me to live, breaks me down.
I know, everyone has something to live for. I may be 17, but my parents take care of me. Without friends I'd like to have my mother, to go for a car ride and joke around with. Who has that opportunity? I never will. It's hard sometimes, from both aspects of the spectrum...
I guess, all of this is, just a thought. Thank you for listening. heart
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Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 4:20 pm
That was ~WOW~ I am suicidal and am like that for many reasons. I also knew how people who loved me would take it . That however was beyond belief. It has certaintly made me think. I just wanted to say thanx. I also just wanted to mention please don't blame yourself for how your mom acts. Some people just have problems and don't know how to deal with them. Trust me. My parents thought they were to blame and it made me feel worse to know that they thought that. Hope everything works out for the best. And THANX again. you'll never know how much your story means to me.
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Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 6:10 pm
There is no such thing as a pain free life. To expect that and to kill oneself because of that expectation is a tragic loss to all thoes around you.
With life comes pain it's that simple, how would we appreciate the good times, the laughter, those perfect moments in life without the perspective pain gives.
I was there I did the suicide trip a number of times. Came too close for comfort to succeeding as well. When I think of the lifetime of experiences I'd have missed, the people that I've saved (accidents and such), the friends I have made, and the women I have loved. I think how useless my death would have been.
When I think of my family (My father as a drunk that beat me, my mother addicted to about 20 different pills was simply psycho, and an older brother whom was a real saddist and I his victem), and how over time differences were set aside and I finally forgave them. I consider that other family members might not be here either had I set the example of thier Uncle being a suicide. Suicide is the ultimate act of a selfish mind. I know this because every attempt I made ironically the only person I cared about was my self (oh woe is me sh*t), I was selfishly depriving those that loved me, my friends, my less immediate family, and anyone important in my future.
The future is unwritten but one thing will always be gauranteed it will not be what you expect. It will not be as bleak and it will contain more people and events than a young person can possibly appreciate the extent of. To close off the world, and to decide that your more important than anyone else present or future and that it doesn't matter if you live or die because you think it doesn't matter is the ultimate gesture of selfishness. I know because I was that selfish.
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Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2006 2:36 pm
one thing i have learned is that killing one self to stop there pain they forget the ones who care about you if you kill yourself you hurt then 10 times more then you could ever do normaly i dont know anyone who has done it but i know what it feals like. Someone killed him self in my school and alot of them went into depression even teachers cryed and the fealing was so sad every one had eachother but not the lost. It hurts people you love the most or the ones that love you i know if someone did i would lose all emotions that i had and sprial down but i hope that dosent happen
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Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2006 3:16 pm
I know exactly how your mum feels, and i know how you feel too. To know that someone close to you is so suicidal, my mum is the same, she hates her life she loves my brothers and i very much but she can't handle anymore and she just wants to die.
I remember when my mum when into a mental asylum (not for depression but something else) she always hated it and from that time on my life and hers got so much worse, when i wasn't at school i spent most of my time making sure she was okay, i spent every waking moment with her, incase she needed something or incase she was gonna hurt herself.
Though even when you've been in that situation, when you become suicidal yourself you forget how much it hurts for others to see you like that and you just focus on your wish for being dead, you don't get help because you convince yourself nothing is wrong even though you know there is something badly wrong...and you think you don't deserve help so you don't seek it, you spend your time cutting and sleeping and not caring about anything at all..you'll just do anything to die.
Yet there is always hope you're just so clouded my despair it's impossible to see it, but if you could just get some one to lift that cloud away you'll see it, it's how i'm slowly but surely getting through everything.
You're mum has to find out what she's going to loose and what she'll leave behind if one day she suceeded at killing herself, that she would leave you behind, such a special person. Not everyone could act that way in your situation, and your mother will realise how much you've been there for her, and she will be grateful for that...I know none of this will probably help, but try to see the hope, for both your sakes.
Stay beautiful and take care always xx
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 6:10 pm
I know how you feel, my best friend is also suicidal, but I don't think she relizes just how many people love her.... she tried to kill herself last friday... is it possible that you can have bad luck in killing yourself? if it is, then she had bad luck.. (it was friday the 13) but I guess that was good luck for eveyone else... anyway, back to yuor problem. I am truly sorry about your mother and please don't think it's your fault. I don't see how it can be. and don't take too much caffene, it can be bad for you in large ammounts (trust me, I know) I also cut myself, but its not for the reason yuo described and I don't see why you would because I don't see how its your fault...
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 9:13 pm
Mreow, my mother was suicidal until my dad finally snapped her out of it......then my best friend took his own life right in front of me. I have gotten over the fact that my past is a horrible mesh of lies, hatred, deceit, and all that by looking forward towards my future, but for the longest time I was following my friend's path. I began to feel nothing, no pain, no happiness, no sorrow, just complete and total apathy. It was about 3 months ago when I finally realized what was going on, and I broke out of it. It began to hate what had become, a power hungry beast with only the dream of killing off others for more power. I then met my girlfriend, and began to see what I was missing in my life, and I quickly became what I am today. I will not deny my own attempts at suicide and my old cutting habit, but those are gone now.
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