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Water - A Poem

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cjcrashoveride

PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2004 9:00 pm


A poem I wrote late one night. I'd like some criticism on it.

As water glistens on the road
Lamplight casts spectrums of light
Rain drips down while winds roar
There is no moon on this beautiful night
No sound just dripping blood on a heart tore
People dive by not caring
My love ripped to shreds
Love is meant to be sharing
Nothing can help but these meds
My life is nothing to her
No one knows how much pain
Deep down I'm not even sure
I'm only sure of the rain
As water glistens on the road
PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2004 9:30 pm


I think that this poem lacks more word choice. Certain words aren't used enough to be repetition so that another could be substituted to make it better.
Example:
Quote:
Lamplight casts spectrums of light

Using light twice in one ine is a bit redundant. Try other words such as glow or shine, or perhaps a metaphor for light such as stars or the sun ect.
I like how water is the title of this poem because the "deep poetic thinkers" can say "Ah yes, the rain, as in a cleanising. It must be symbollic, like everything else in life." while we laymans can think "It must be raining pretty hard."

Shadow Minstrel


Mirri Night

PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2004 12:03 am


It's pretty, but it could use some work, which Shadow Minstrel pretty much described... If you work on it more, you could have a really nice poem goin' on there. 3nodding
PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2004 10:06 am


Quote:
Nothing can help but these meds
Seems too trite, and the ryhme sceme is undecided.

JenniferStarling


SkyTigress

PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2004 11:31 am


I'm going to make my usual suggestion: Try getting your thoughts and imagery on paper _before_ you attempt to make them rhyme. If you don't, sometimes you'll find you opt for saying something less appropriate just because it rhymes.
PostPosted: Sat Aug 07, 2004 9:04 pm


Thanx guys. This poem is really just a rough draft. I wrote down what came to mind. I'll try to work the rhyme scheme better on my second revision.

cjcrashoveride

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The Cranky Writers' Guild

 
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