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Several answers, some in conflict with one another -- much like yourself.

1. You're obligated to honor your father and mother as your biological origins, even if their actions aren't honorable. It is hoped that because you treat them as honorable people, they may be inspired to become honorable. (I'm not particularly in favor of this, but it is one interpretation that has been told to me.)

2. You're obligated to honor your father and mother. However, if a parent is not honorable (abusive, or simply lacking in anything to recommend them), your obligation is still present, but waived until and unless that parent makes true teshuvah (repentance) and becomes honorable.

3. "Father and mother" means "the elders who took part in shaping you." This can mean your biological parents, but it can also mean your more distant ancestors, your family elders (aunts, uncles, older cousins), teachers, mentors, and role models who inspire your respect, admiration, and emulation.

4. "Honor" doesn't just mean saying yes ma'am, no sir, pulling out chairs for them, standing when they enter a room. It can also mean being honest with them (the words share a similar root, at least in English) and pointing out to them -- from a safe distance, given your father's abusive nature -- the reasons you feel you can't give them the love and honor you wish you could.

5. Your "father and mother" are the people who have nurtured you, not (necessarily) the people who donated their genetic material to you. The people who have been compassionate and gentle with your body and your heart; the people who have taught you -- and shown you -- good ethics; the people who have told you the truth, whether it made you feel good or bad at the time, because they knew it had to be told; the people who gave you shelter and protection; the people who provided for you; the people who helped you heal when you were hurting; the people who gave you advice that they sincerely thought would help you, even if it turned out to be not advantageous for you to take it; the people who thought and acted for your welfare.

There are laws in the US concerning the proper speeds at which you are permitted to drive your car. You can choose to obey those speed limits. You can choose to disobey them. You can choose to obey them only if you think you'll get caught for disobeying them. You can choose to ignore them all the time, or you can choose to ignore them only when there is sincere danger if you slow down (not getting to a hospital in time to save a life, for instance). But ignoring the law, once or always, doesn't mean the law doesn't exist. It only means that you're breaking the law -- and you may indeed have good, sound reasons for doing so, at times, it's true.

The commandment to honor your father and mother will not change or go away, just depending on you and how (or whether) you choose to observe it. As a Jew, you can choose whether to obey it or not; you can choose how to obey it. You can choose what meaning(s) of the law work for you. But the commandment itself still exists. Don't argue with your fellow human beings about whether it's valid or not. It exists, and it's valid. The only "person" you have to interact with about this law is Hashem, and Hashem is the one who understands when, how, and why you may need to waive this law, or put your observance of it on hold until such time as your parents deserve your respect. The rest of us don't matter, our opinions don't really count in a really direct way, in your own life. YOU are the one who will ultimately deal with the hurt of having dishonorable parents, and the co-hurt that goes with having parents you wish you could honor, but in good conscience cannot.

Remember, the Torah also tells us not to murder. However, it actually requires us to kill if that is the only way to defend our own lives. Much, much, much is up for interpretation by the one who is facing the situation. Those of us outside it are exactly that -- outside it.

That's a nice little family tradition whee

I understand this. It is G-d's law and it's not valid or invalid whether I see it as such, I wasn't arguing it's validity. I'm simply confused with the mitzvah itself at face value.



This is another element of Judaism I fell in love with, the relationship between Hashem and the individual is only between Hashem and the individual, no middle man, no priests to act as "agents of G-d", just G-d and I. The relationship is so unique and special that nobody has a right to tell you how you should interpret G-d's word.



Yes, for sure. Also murder is unjust killing rather than simply killing, people I have noticed, have a tendency to warp the original passage to use the blanket term "kill" rather than murder.