I can connect to the feeling you're conveying from this poem. I suggest a little more punctuation to enhance the meaning, and perhaps some more linkage to the metaphor of the snake, ie, why snake?
Miyaz
Offline
and_solo_said Captain
Offline
Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 2:13 am
I would suggest perhaps changing some of the human associated actions - e.g. 'walk', 'stepping' - into more serpentine ones, like 'slither', or perhaps 'crawl' to enhance the idea that he is below you
Reply
