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Thicker Than Blood; Critique Needed

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rayneskyver

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 3:39 pm


Title: Thicker Than Blood
Genre: Historical Paranormal Romance
Rating: PG-13 at the moment.
Authors' Note: This is just the first two chapters of my story.
I am in dire need of critique for this story; I'll love you forever if you do.
Harsh is okay too, whatever gets your point across.



Prologue
Paris, France - August 7th, 1842;

Lucien Gautier was sitting in his study holding a glass of brandy. He still had his day clothes on. He wore his white cotton shirt and his dark waistcoat his riding coat was over the back of his chair, he also wore the black trousers, white breeches, and his riding boots.

It was casual day attire but he wore it during his nights, since he spent his days sleeping in a darkened room. He swirled the brandy that was in his glass around, watching it through the thick crystal. He swallowed the rest and smoothed down his goatee as he stared at the fire that was blazing in the fireplace.

His hair was black and long, secured in the back with a leather tie letting a few smaller strands that didn't make it in the tie fall into his face to cover his eyes. His deep, blue eyes were transfixed on the red-orange movement of the fire. His frame was tall and thin, he towered over many a man and was thinner than most.

He was jostled out of his thoughts when a quiet knock sounded on the thick door, "Monsieur Gautier?" Genevieve, the house maid asked through the door.

"Enter," Lucien answered to her call.

He grabbed the bottle of brandy off the floor and poured more into his small glass as she came in. Genevieve was a small girl of about four and twenty; a girl from Lyon, France with dull blond hair that was always bound to her head with pins and pale blue eyes that he'd rarely seen hilarity in, she had thin lips that were never painted and that never smiled. She always wore dark gray dresses that bound her tightly inside, it made her stand straight, almost painfully straight. "Monsieur, the cook wonders if you are to eat tonight?"

"Yes, I would like lamb tonight, rare," He told her absently as he gulped down his glass of alcohol. He needed to dull his senses; his hunger was becoming too much and he had no time to go find someone to sate it for him.

"Of course, Monsieur Gautier," Genevieve curtsied before rushing out of the study and closing the door behind her quickly in a rustle of skirts and petticoats.

The household staff feared him but dared not to leave; he controlled their pay and also didn't want a scandal to darken their own names. They thought he didn't hear the whispers within the house, of why he slept during the day. They believed he secretly kept a mistress that crept in at night while they all slept and wore him out so he had to stay abed all day. Others believed him a witch. Then a few questioned him as a vampire.

The ones who thought the latter didn't know how right they were. He was a vampire, he'd been one for the past two years.

He'd been turned by a man who he didn't know and didn't see after his transition. It happened when he went on a stroll late one night to clear his head; he'd been grabbed a block away from his estate and bitten by a man. Though Lucien fought the man, who was thinner than him, the mysterious man seemed to have the strength of ten men as he easily took each of Lucien's blows.

Lucien was afraid when the man bit him, he felt his blood leaving his body with every suck of the other man's mouth. He felt his knees giving way and his body going cold and limp. The man pulled away just as Lucien was on the brink of death. The man looked at him with curious eyes, "Do you wish to live? Be young and beautiful for all of eternity; to never age a day or get a wrinkle."

Lucien meant to shake his head but he had no strength. He didn't mean to surrender to the weight of the vampire he wanted to push away from him. The man took that as a yes and removed a hand from Lucien as he sliced a cut over his carotid artery and moved Lucien's face to the wound that was oozing blood.

Lucien tried to fight in his weakened state and got out a small 'no' but the vampire didn't listen and forced his mouth onto the wound, "Drink and live again."

He succumbed to the vampire's will and drank in his blood, gagging at the weird taste, choking on it.

When the vampire forced him away and told him, "Go home and sleep. When you wake you will be one of us."

Lucien had walked out of the alleyway and to his estate in a daze; he didn't have to think of doing it. His body seemed to do it on its own as if he was possessed.

Once to his home he entered it and walked up to his room, closing and locking the door before pulling the Samite curtains, which were a heavy black silk that was interwoven with gold.

He undressed before spilling himself onto his bed and falling to sleep, only to dream of blood and death...

Lucien had woken up confused and disoriented. He was in pain. His muscles ached but he had no reason for it, he sat up and looked around his dark room. He could see everything, the paper that covered the walls and the wood that covered the floor clearly, even though it was dark.

He sat there examining the room with his new sight and listening to the house with his new hearing.

He heard a knock on the door which pulled Lucien out of his memories and he looked at the door again, "I have brought you your supper, Monsieur Gautier."

"Enter," Lucien told her in a slightly cold voice. It was the second time that night he had been interrupted from his thoughts and it wasn't even eight.

Genevieve came in carrying a tray that held a slice of lamb, potatoes, and a glass of dark red wine from the Langmeil Vineyard. That wine had prospered in Australia the year he was made into the beast he was.

Genevieve set the tray down on his desk and kept her eyes adverted to the floor. Her blood roared in his extra-sensitive ears, he could smell it as if it were in the glass of brandy he'd just taken a drink from.

He knew he wouldn't be able to hold out any longer. He had to have what she could provide him.

"Is there anything else you will need, Monsieur?" She asked quietly, not even looking at him while she spoke.

"Yes, I will be needing something. Come forward Genevieve," Lucien purred to her.

Genevieve shuffled her feet slowly as she went towards Lucien. It was obvious that she was afraid of what was going to happen. It was all over her mind. She was afraid that he'd seduce her; that he'd force her into a sexual act.

"Be calm," he told her in an almost demanding tone. "I will not harm you."

She stood in front of his chair, her blue eyes on his feet and her heart beating quickly of fear. Lucien stood up and stood over her, towering about a foot over her.

"The walls have ears, Genevieve," he murmured to her, setting his hands on her shoulder and pulling her closer so his mouth was by her ear. "They hear what you and the other maids speculate about me. They hear and they tell me." As he talked his lips brushed her ear on a couple of occasions. He heard her heart pounding faster, "Although, I want to hear from you what you believe me to be."

"Monsieur... I must go," She breathed; she couldn't make it sound forceful even if she wanted to.

"No you do not, Genevieve. Now I wish to have an answer. What is it you think I am?" He asked forcefully, squeezing her arms.

"I... I... I believe you to be a witch; a witch of dark magic," She whispered, trying to pull away.

He smirked, "Why do you think such things?"

"Why else would you leave at sunset and return at sunrise? You also sleep during the daylight hours. They have said they see you with your cauldron and with your sacrifices!"

"Who fills your head with such lies?"

Lucien's mouth went to her jawline, causing Genevieve's breathing to pick up, "I . . . I must go, Monsieur. Please, release me.

"Answer me, Genevieve," he growled.

"Violette. She tells me she sees you at night, behind the stables. She tells all of us you are the one taking the horses so you can slaughter them and use their blood to perform your witchcraft."

Lucien's mouth twitched upwards involuntarily at the nonsense the maid was saying. His lips went to her neck, brushing them around until he felt her strong pluse beneath his lips. "They are wrong, Genevieve, and you shouldn't have believed in such nonsense."

Lucien's fangs grew and he bit into her neck. Her body jerked against his and she groaned, clutching his shirt and pulling it in pain. He drank from her, taking in the taste of the blood that was solely hers.

When he pulled away, he licked her neck to close the wound before rubbing the back of his hand against his mouth. She was holding onto his shirt lightly and had surrendered her weight to him. "When you awake tomorrow you wont remember what happened this night." He ordered.

Genevieve pulled away from him and left the room quietly, closing the door behind her. Lucien stood there, a sigh coming from him as he turned and went to the window which was still covered by the Samite curtains he drew over them every dawn, and pulled them open before opening the glass balcony doors.

He stepped into the cool night air before going over to the rail and looking out into Paris. This was his home. This is where he would stay until the end of time. He sighed contently at the breeze blowing his hair out of his face; the quiet filled his ears.



• • •



Chapter One
London, England - June 23rd, 1888;

"Sir, would you like me to summon your valet to ready the carriage and hackney for you?" William asked as he walked briskly to keep up with Lucien's long strides.

"No, I feel like walking this night," He replied to the older man as he took the steps of the staircase two at a time until he came to the main landing just outside of the small foyer.

"Sir!" called William as he tried to hurry down the stairs; his old, bony hand gripping the railing as he went as fast as he could. "What would you like for supper?"

Lucien ignored the butler as he hurried out of his own home, trying to get away from the servants that plagued him with to many questions.

Exiting his home, he rushed down the cobble stone walkway that lead out of the streets of urban London. The street was dark, the glow of the oil lamps - that had been lite only about two hours before - did little to light the way for anyone unsure of the path. He hurried his pace, getting farther and farther by the minute, wanting to get into a more populated portion of London for his deed tonight.

It was time for him to 'eat'. Lucien hated this part of his life; he hated it even more than the loss of sun and loneliness. He resented the fact that he had to use trickery with whores and innocents just to quench his thirst and keep from going on a killing spree, he hated the anonymity of the sex he occasionally had. He despised that he couldn't get rid of his curse and was trying to take it in stride, he tried to accept the fact that there was no way of returning to his former self. Taking it in stride hardly worked though.

As he walked, carriages and people began to pass him more frequently. He welcomed the clop, clop, clop of horses hooves, he accepted the murmuring voices of passersby; he almost enjoyed all the noise.

His thoughts came to a halt as he approached a street that was commonly used for whoring. It wasn't as deserted as he would have hoped; there were several people walking up and down the street and even more woman loitering. He smirked to himself as he saw a woman that caught his attention and continued to walk; pretending to ignore her as he started to walk by.

The woman; upon noticing him, perked up and began to approach. "'Ello," she said in a seductive voice as she drew closer. "Ya look like a man thats needin' himself a woman."

Lucien stopped in his tracks and turned his head slightly, letting her catch his eye, "How did you observe that?" he asked, not even having to attempt to charm her.

At the sound of his voice, even more so his accent, the woman's eyes brightened, "I know what a man needs and what he looks like when he is needin'."

He weighed her offer and then asked, "The cost, Madam?" As he looked her over, taking in the sight of her. The whore was a little thing with dull brown hair that was knotted and lifeless brown eyes that held virtually no emotion. She wore a tattered green dress without the bulk of petticoats and the restraint of a corset. He almost felt bad for the lifestyle of this woman but knew there was nothing he could really do but take advantage as every other man that passed her did.

"Five pence," she told him, as if pleading her case.

Lucien gave her a brief smile and accepted her offer, she hastily — as if to keep him from changing his mind— grabbed his hand and lead him towards the alleyway. He followed her almost obediently as she lead him farther and farther into the alley until they were out of view of the street.

He leaned into her slowly, his deep blue eyes holding her stare until his lips pressed to hers and she grabbed onto the lapels of his frock, pulling him closer to her. As Lucien deepened the kiss the whore's tiny hands began to travel lower to the front of his trousers. Breaking the kiss, he kissed down her chin and to her neck, sucking and kissing at it sensually as he felt the frantic beat of her heart beneath his lips. Lucien's fangs elongated right before he struck, his fangs singing deeply into the artery in of neck.

The whore gasped and stopped playing with the front of his trousers; her hands immediately went to his waist and began to grip, her dirty nails digging into him. Lucien sucked at her neck gently until he felt the whore getting weak in his arms causing him to pull back, his fangs leaving her throat and receded slowly back into his gums. He licked the wound at her neck and watched it heal slowly, leaving only a minute amount of his feeding on her.

Lucien released her and looked at her dazed expression, pulling out triple the amount she originally asked for and tucking it into her hand, "You will return to wherever it is you retreat to and you will sleep deeply. When you wake you will not remember me or any of this nights events, only that you received this coin from your usual work." Lucien told her in a stern voice, as if he was chastising a child. "Do you understand?"

"Yes, Suh," she murmured, her eyes half closed.

"Now go," he ordered as she pulled away and started to walk down the alleyway. He stood there watching her until she turned out of the alley leaving him in the darkness all alone again. He finally let out the first deep breath he had since he had arrived in London, relieved that the gnawing ache had finally left his body.

With his body refreshingly nourished he headed back to his home, almost looking forward to what the cook had prepared for supper.
PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2008 7:28 am


Chapter Two
June 24th, 1888;

Lucien lay in his massive feather bed, the sheets and coverlet wrapped around his body in an uncomfortable way. Sighing, he sat up and looked around the room, curious as to why his body awoke him; he could heard the sounds of the house staff cleaning which gave him indication that the sun had not set yet.

He continued to listen to the noise in the house when his ears picked up on a conversation and he tuned in on it. There was a males voice, one he was unfamiliar with and William's, they were speaking down stairs in the foyer.

"I am sorry, Sir but the he is currently disposed of at the moment," William said politely.

The unfamiliar voice replied, "I've come to deliver a message from the Duchess of Wellington."

Lucien groaned, he had hoped to avoid publicity within the social circle of London. With publicity came unwanted attention and he really did not need that at the moment. "I will make sure he receives Her Graces' message. Good evening, Sir."

He heard footfalls before the front door closed and the houses cleaning bustle continued on and Lucien sat there thinking about what the Duchess would want with him. He'd been in London no more than two weeks and he hadn't received a social call or anything of the sort. The only people he had spoken to were his house staff, and when he had first arrived a few people in town that he could barely remember now.

As if all of the sudden, an idea as to why she sent him a letter came to mind. "Of course," he muttered to himself as he stood to get ready for the evening ahead, "The London Season is starting."

It was no secret that he was a bachelor and a wealthy one at that, being the rightful 3rd Duke of Angoulême. He groaned, knowing that no matter if he went or not staying here would cause trouble and leaving suddenly would rise suspicion.

As he pulled on his trousers a knock sounded on his door, "Master Gautier?" an elderly man's voice called from the other side of the door.

"You may enter William." Lucien said in reply as he retrieved a simple white shirt and began to button it; deciding that he didn't need to dress anymore. He didn't bother with the pesky cravat or waistcoat or the heavy frock coat while inside his estate and he did not intend to receive anyone else that night. "What is it you what?"

William cleared his throat slightly before speaking, "Her Grace Dutchess of Wellington has sent you a letter. It is in your sitting room."

"Thank you, William. Is there anything else?" Lucien asked as he donned stockings and boots.

"Yes Sir, what would you like for supper."

Lucien shook his head, "It does not really matter to me. Whatever the cook feels like making, I will eat it." He went over to the washing basin and rinsed his face quickly before patting it dry with a small hand towel located next to the basin.

"Alright, Sir." William left the room and Lucien followed, closing the door to his private chamber before heading down the hall to his study. Upon entering, he saw that several gas lamps were lite throughout the room, casting it in orange light.

He walked over to his moderately sized desk and sat at it, picking up the letter that had a wax seal with the Duchess' mark on it. Lucien carefully opened the letter and began to read.

Dear Mr. Gautier, Duke of Angoulême,
As you might be aware, the London Season is starting and I would like to invite you to the first ball. Word of you has traveled around London quicker than one would have expected and many are curious as to why you have been hiding inside your home. I am giving you a chance to come out and see the city and also, for the women who have their eyes on you, to be formally let down. I expect to see you at my estate on the twenty-eighth of June and I do apologize for the brevity of this letter.
Sincerely,
Eleanor Blyth, Duchess of Wellington


Lucien was astonished by the way this woman sounded in the letter, he'd never been addressed in such a way and it shocked him. It shocked him even more that she expected him to show up for her soirée in four days, which meant he didn't have time to formulate a brilliant way of avoiding it.

Taking out a piece of parchment, and dipping his quill and the bottle of ink he began his reply.

Dear Her Grace, Duchess of Wellington,
I accept your invitation and will attend your social party. I would request you keep my attendance a secret until the day of, I do not wish for Mother's - whose attention I've caught - to be plotting to toss their daughters at me. It would be much appreciated. The brevity of your letter is nothing to be sorry for.
Sincerely,
Lucien Gautier, Duke of Angoulême


He quickly sealed the letter with wax and pressed his family's seal into it, before summoning his footman. He requested that the man bring the Duchess the letter and the man quickly left. As the man left Lucien hoped he wouldn't regret guaranteeing he would attend the Ball, and praying to God that He would not let anything unfortunate happen.

rayneskyver

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K_eys of C_olor

PostPosted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 2:21 pm


After having read it a few times - I think you could flesh it out a little more.

It seems short. And, very... first-drafty. No offense. Everyone has those - I don't look at mine unless I want to drive myself batty! (no pun intended)

I don't know, but take it slower, that would be my advise. Give the person time to get to know Lucien a little better. And a bit more description wouldn't really hurt.

It doesn't sound like a story... more like an outline. It's a bit choppy. Nothing that a little more work can't fix xD

Other than those technical things... I like it! I'm not much of a fan of vampire stuff, but this could go somewhere. I like the contrast between Lucien and the fact that he is a vampire because I usually think: Demon or Werewolf with that name. Leaning more on the werewolf side.

He sounds like a layered character.

You've also done some research on the time frame. I like that a lot! Nice to see. It adds another layer to the story.

That's all from here!
PostPosted: Fri Jan 02, 2009 12:35 pm


It is kinda first drafty.
Except I've gone over it dozens of times, correcting and changing and adding things.

I'm trying to get rid of the choppiness when I go back and re-revise everything.

I've noticed that too, a lot of Vampires tend to be Damien/Daemon/Damian while Werewolves and Demons have the names Lucien/Lucius/Lucas. I picked the name because it is indeed French and thought it'd be sort of a pun seeing as how it means Light and he is forever cursed to live in the dark.

I need for Lucien to have layers for this story. So many layers that he wouldn't get cold if you put him on the North Pole. In order to protect his secrets he has to have a ton of layers otherwise he wouldn't have survive the first ten years of being a Vampire let alone almost fifty years. My female lead needs less than he does just due to the fact that she is a sheltered naive girl that people are using in order to get to him.

Yeah, I love researching when it comes to writing and this is the first story I've really had to research anything other name names for people. I couldn't write a story about the 19th Century without knowing the basics of everything. Though, the most confusing thing I looked up had to be about the currency. I head-desked a few times due to Google not cooperating or not understanding.

Thank you so much for the input!

rayneskyver

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 4:32 pm


Still in the middle of reading.. so far only managed to finish the prologue. Don't take my opinions listed below as bad or law, they were what I was thinking at the time, I'll give you my over all opinion on it when I finish the entire thing... My concentration span just got interrupted by people who don't realise that I was doing something productive..

second paragraph: Did he have brandy in his mouth already, or did he empty the glass, thus swallowing the rest of it?

third paragraph: Perhaps find a different way to say he's thinner?

the introduction to Genevieve: Maybe describe her as he sees her?

opinion of the household staff: You don't really need to explain that they wouldn't leave because it'd harm their reputation. If they feared leaving due to him controlling the finances, and perhaps just plain fear of what he'd do if they did, that may work better.

Quote:
Lucien's mouth went to her jawline, causing Genevieve's breathing to pick up, "I . . . I must go, Monsieur. Please, release me.
There's a " missing at the end smile
PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 8:31 pm


Thank you!
I caught that " error while rereading the draft I have saved to my computer. My eyes only catch so much at one time.


Quote:
Did he have brandy in his mouth already, or did he empty the glass, thus swallowing the rest of it?

He emptied the glass thus swallowing the rest of it. :/ Maybe I should have made it more clear.

Quote:
Perhaps find a different way to say he's thinner?

He was more lean?
He was lankier?
He was more slender?
Hm... Which sounds better.
-is seriously thinking about changing it-


Quote:
Maybe describe her as he sees her?

That is how he sees her.
Do you mean that I write it as he SEES her as in more from his point of view than the narrators?


Quote:
You don't really need to explain that they wouldn't leave because it'd harm their reputation. If they feared leaving due to him controlling the finances, and perhaps just plain fear of what he'd do if they did, that may work better.

Well, the point of me explaining that it would ruin their reputation is because it WOULD ruin their reputation if they went around town saying that he was a witch, or he was a vampire. They would have either been deemed crazy and sent to Bethlem Royal Hospital or Bedlam as it's more commonly known as.

I do thank you for taking the time to read this and pointing out a few things. I will definately consider changing "thinner" because now that I look at it, it does seem really, really out of place.

rayneskyver

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