Lupin the Vapour
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to do this, but I just wanted to get some people's opinions on a couple poems that I have written recently.
Lost
Where do I go
in this bustling place?
This world is not slow
In it's spinning pace.
What is the solution
To this chaotic mess?
If there is a any conclusion
I can't see, I must confess.
Why do we fall?
Why do we fall?
Fall from our sky
Go from a soar to a crawl
Surrender our will to fly?
Why do we give?
Give up our flight
Our only reason to live
And exchange it for this plight?
Why do we tear?
Tear off our wings
Choosing not to wear
These our most glorious things?
well, its been a few days and I couldn't find out what was about it that i didn't like, they are both good poems but I think a better word choice in the 2nd poem would be good, such as "Fall from our sky" to maybe something else... Perhaps its because you use a word twice in two sentences...and perhaps if the poems had a meaning that forces the reader to really think of its message... not to the point that it makes up want to bang our heads against the wall...but to have us scratch our heads (points at Emily Dickinson). Of course poems with a strait forward meaning are great too but to an extent (points at American Dream). The 1st one is just fine
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