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The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat p***y every Thanksgiving.

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

I guy walks into a bar and sits down. There's a jar of money on the counter so he asks the barman, "Hey, whats with the jar of money?" The Barman replies, "My horse won't stop crying and that goes to whoever can make him stop." So the man goes into the back room, and comes out 30 seconds later and the horse is laughing. He takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same man walks in and sees another jar of money. Again he asks, "Hey, whats with the jar of money?" The barma replies, "This goes to whoever can get my horse to stop laughing. So the man goes into the room again, and 30 seconds later leaves with the jar of money in tow. He comes in the third day and the barman asks, "What did you do to make him laugh, then cry again?" The man replies, the first time I said "I bet I have a bigger d**k than you." The second time I proved it.