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 Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 8:51 am
Ashy juggles. A lot. With different things. Some of which are sharp and pointy. How did she get into my knife collection? BE CAREFUL WITH THAT CRYSTAL CLUSTER! gonk
Offline life happens to me a little too often. XD I get to be staff now! Yay! I can help some, I feel special.
Don't you mean spacial?
Oh, do be quiet. *cringes as Ashy accidentally on purpose drops one of her crystals* Oh come on! You like those too. =|
I guess I'll be nice, you did at least update the front post for me.
sweatdrop
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Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 1:13 pm
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 12:26 pm
I never write in here. Well, I haven't for a long time, any way. I wonder why I've never used this? I guess I'm too busy being out somewhere and doing something.
Talking to Nika... kinda bothered me. He remembers stuff, and I don't. I can't really just ask him. He can't remember my memories for me. But it... bothers me. Why can't I remember anything? I mean, I have vague recollections of growing up with Io and Zahar. And even that I kinda looked up to Nika like a father.
That brings up another point too. I can't remember my parents. At all. Was I an orphan? Bah.
I can't even remember what my favorite game or book was.
I suddenly feel like nothing makes sense any more.
And Hai's acting kinda weird too! She was almost acting like a normal person and then we had that little episode with that SK guy and now... I can tell it brought up some bad memories somehow, but Hai won't talk about it. Not even with me. Uncle Verran seems determined not to bring it up, either. I guess he doesn't want to make her live through it again. It would help if I knew what it was she was trying not to remember, though!
It makes me feel like she doesn't trust me. ME, of all people. I know how she's feeling every moment that she's feeling it, I can read her surface thoughts, I love her and I do my best to help her feel better so maybe she can eventually get over whatever it is... and she buries it so deep I can't see it and refuses to talk about it. Not even a hint.
Neither of us really know much about eachother's pasts, but at least I have a good reason for not being able to tell her. If I knew, I would tell her.
...
I know she cares and she'd do anything to protect me. And it doesn't seem like time to pry yet. But it still hurts.
The person I'm closest to aside from my sister doesn't trust me, and I can't even remember the things that brought me to be so close to my sister.
I don't like having heartache.
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Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 5:19 pm
I wish I had something to write about in here when I'm in a good mood and feel happy.
This isn't one of those, unfortunately.
Fauve and Kasai... I feel out of the loop with her now, after seeing them together before. She and I did things together all the time, and it was special. I felt on top of everything then. But when she's with him, I feel like I'm intruding. I'm happy for her! Don't get me wrong. And I know we'll always be there for eachother. I just feel kinda... left behind. And somehow I don't think it's because she's spending less time with me.
I think it's something from the past. The past I can't remember...
Was I... in love?
I think I may have been. It feels right, I guess. But if I was in love... who was I in love with?
And why do I get the feeling that seeing Fauve with Kasai wouldn't be triggering such deep-seated feelings of longing and resignation if I'd been happy in love?
Nrr...
Woah. Habit picked up from Hai. Growling seems appropriate though. xd
Well... as confusing and frustrating as all these weird feelings are, at least they aren't affecting my ability to find little things to laugh at.
If I couldn't laugh any more I think I'd have to take a walk through the Rade caverns without any protection. Though I know Hai and Fauve wouldn't let me get away with that. sweatdrop
I know I have people who care about me now, even if I had some sort of love forlorn in the past. What happened before... was before, right? It may or may not influence our decisions now, but things are still different no matter how much we remember. That... is just how things are now.
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Posted: Mon Jul 31, 2006 12:24 pm
Yes! We're going to the space thingy! I GET TO SEE WHAT OFF PLANET LOOKS LIKE! mrgreen
Hai has to pick up stuff for some generator-solar-thingy or something, and some stuff for that permiter fence we were planning. And probably some stuff for garden thingies. The we get to go pick up some cool weather clothes and stuff.
And after THAT we get to go SHOPPING! I am SO gonna pick out the sexiest dress I can find and make Hai wear it. She'd probably be a lot happier if she'd just try to be normal, but no... she's gotta hide from everyone and everything. But she's not gonna get away with it, not with me around! I'll find some way to get her out of that shell, just you wait...
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 10:44 am
You know... I can't put a date on this. Masquerade has its own times and seasons, and I have no idea what they are. Anyway...
I guess I just need to get some things out of my head... and I don't feel safe talking to anyone about it. I don't want people to freak out over me or something. It's just...
What am I doing here?
At first I was just running. Like a stupid kid. I didn't really want to be here, it just sounded better than the other options I had at the time. Where I really want to be is home... but where I grew up was never home after my parents died. I don't HAVE a home. I want this place to be home, but it can't be... I have friends here, at least, I'd like to call them friends, and even a sort of family...
But I'm scared. Scared to let them get too close, scared to let myself relax and learn to like it here. What if I have to run again and leave them all behind? Even as things stand I'm not sure I could bring myself to leave them behind.
That could be dangerous for all of us...
Not that there isn't danger in abundance here anyway. Rade, offworld poachers, the fact that we're trying to build some sort of civilized existence on a world that's gone completely wild.
Though honestly I'm more comfortable in the midst of the wild things most of the time...
Danica always said I reminded her of a fire-cat one of her aquaintances kept for a pet once. It acted tame enough as long as it was cared for, but when that girl got bored with it and started neglecting it, the wild side came out again.
They had to put it to sleep. Kinda like they tried with me. I guess I have more in common with the wild things than I used to give credit for.
I don't think the others really know how... out of place I feel. Or the real reason why I don't really let myself become "part of the group". I told Kata about it, but I haven't seen her for a long time. Verran might know, but then, he's the only one with even the remotest idea of what happened to me before I came here. I mean, he was there when I...
I killed so many people. And I couldn't stop it.
I got rid of that damnable sword, and I hope whatever the "Shadow" is that it reminds the Clan who they really are. The Clan. They're not my family any more. Only Verran and Danica were ever family after my parents died. And Danica I'm pretty sure I've lost now... I'm not sure whether I'm glad she's still alive or not, with what happened to her.
What happened because of me.
In the end it all seems to come back to me, and my weakness. My inability to protect the people I cared about the most.
I don't ever want to have to leave... but I want even less for the people I care about now to get hurt again because of me.
I don't know if I'll be lucky enough never to have to deal with the Clan again. Maybe when they find out that my powers have been fading they'll lose interest. I don't know.
On one hand I'm glad I've lost so much of the power... and on the other, I'm worried that it means I won't be able to protect them if I have to.
Why can't I just... find somewhere to belong... and be left in peace?
Shoot, where am I gonna hide this thing from Ash?
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Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 10:02 pm
Well, journal... I got my mask off.
I can talk. And sing. I haven't sung in public again yet, I'm waiting for the little party to do that. And I'm going to try my hardest to get Haisyn to sing with me. She's got a lovely singing voice, I catch her humming and such sometimes when she thinks no one is around.
I managed to talk her into that dress, too. I just hope things go well today so she can relax a little... I worry about her. She's so closed off I don't think she realizes she's close to killing herself inside.
Ah... I yawned again. Guess I should go to bed.
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Posted: Tue Nov 11, 2008 7:57 am
Ash seems to have forgotten about her journal again. I can't blame her, I suppose. She keeps rather sporatic updates anyway. Not that I'm much better.
Fauve and Kasai returned from their long running space adventure. I didn't think Ash could get any happier than that. Then Satehl and Uta returned after... I don't even remember how long for sure. It was over a year.
And he grew right after he got here, too. He seems to feel... rather like I do. Out of place. He didn't have time to get used to things again before he grew, either, so that must be double akward. And he doesn't even have forays and work with the fence and what not to keep his mind off of how strange he must feeling. I feel bad for him.
Ash pesters him a lot, but I think that's just her way of trying to make him feel welcome. They aren't quite peas in a pod the way Ash and Fauve are, but they're definitely good friends. And I suppose they kinda need eachother, especially right now. Satehl needs someone to help him feel like he belongs here, and Ash needs someone to be her companion when Fauve is distracted with Kasai. Which is rather frequent. I think Ash is determined not to tell Fauve how much she misses the way things used to be with them being together all the time. Ash wants Fauve to be happy. Happy like I'm... guessing they weren't able to be in their past life.
And Ash and Satehl goof around so much. They team up in teasing us. And the way they joke around half the time I'm not sure if they're flirting or doing it simply for the sake of screwing with my head. Either way it doesn't really seem to be serious.
Though I'm a bit worried that Ash might wish it were.
And she complains about me not talking to her. Though I guess I can't blame her. It's not really like Ashirha to be uncertain about something, she usually makes up her mind in a split second and that's that. This is... different. Maybe that's why she won't say anything when I ask her if she's at all serious about their little games.
And... y'know, I dunno. Ash's little silly games with Satehl, Fauve and Kasai, Verran's blatant flirting with Merci and her amusement with it.
Sometimes I wish I felt enough like a normal person to try and have something like that with someone.
Though I think it would be nice to just... not feel like a monster.
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