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WhirlwindTerror
Crew

Dedicated Raider

PostPosted: Tue Nov 04, 2008 2:52 am


~chapter one~

The girl let out a loud groan of pain as her consciousness came back to her. Upon resuming her consciousness, her first instinct was panic as she opened her eyes and found she couldn't see.

"Hey, she's awake!" a voice from outside her own mind called. Footsteps nearby. And then the blindfold, she found to be a moistened cloth, was removed from her eyes. They singed for a moment in the dim sunlight, causing her to blink a few times before they'd adjusted to the light. She was able to tell four...no, five figures swimming around her, though her eyesight still refused to cooperate completely, leaving them as slowly defining blurs for the time being. She closed her eyes again to give them a rest.

"Are you okay?" It was the same voice from earlier, now bent over her as she was lain out upon the ground upon her back. Soft, female. Tender fingertips traced a line along her forehead and onto her face, and the sensation brought incredible pain to her for some unknown reason. She seethed with agony, sucking in air through gritted teeth. The hand quickly drew away.

Who...who are these people?

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you! Jared, get me that salve I was using earlier!"

Another voice, rough, deep, male. "The blue tin or the green tin?"

"The green!"

A moment of silence, then footsteps. "Here you go, Sarah."

Another moment, and the girl found a cooling sensation being applied gingerly to the pained area. The pain seemed to be subsiding ever so slightly, and she didn't fuss as this apparent Sarah doctored her. She lay in silence and let the healer do her work.

"It's a really nasty gash," Sarah commented. "Were you in that battle that took place yesterday? You're wearing armor..."

I am?

A third voice spoke, a bit higher in pitch than the first male voice, but still male, and much harsher in tone. "Of course she was in the battle, Sarah. You don't just find injured people laying around all the time."

"Oh, hush," Sarah replied. "She could have been attacked by a wild animal." Her attention was redirected back to the fallen girl. "Jared, come here, help me sit her up." A moment, and she felt hands slowly helping her into a sitting position. A light shone in front of her closed eyes, then ceased. "You can open your eyes now, they should be better."

The girl did as she was told. Finally, blurs were no longer blurs, and she could see the five people around her. The closest one, this Sarah girl, looked over her with concern. She seemed to be a younger girl, the youngest of the group situated around her. To her side sat a burly man, was that Jared? And a few paces off stood another man, older than the other two but still not very old at all, maybe in his mid-twenties. He wore a disapproving expression on his face as he eyed the situation. And, finally, there was a dark-haired girl standing some distance off, speaking with a much older man. They seemed to have removed themselves from the situation and were now discussing something intently, though what it was couldn't have been heard from this distance.

The healer girl set a stave to her side and smiled. "Hi. I'm Sarah." She brushed a hint of blue hair out of her own face and pointed around the group. "Jared," she said, confirming her suspicions of the brown-haired man beside her. "Cree," indicating the other blond-haired slender man. "And- hey, Marina! She's awake!" This got the attention of the black-haired girl and the grey-haired older man standing beside her. Sarah giggled as she continued. "That's Marina, our tactician, you could say. And the other man is her father. We all call him Drake. So that's our introduction! What's your name?"

K...kate? Is that it?

"It's Kate..." the girl finally spoke up, though slowly. Her eyes wandered around the group. "Thank you for helping me..."

Sarah giggled. "Don't be silly! We weren't just going to leave you there."

"I would have," Cree coughed, interjecting his two cents into the conversation.

Sarah shot him a vile look before continuing. "We were passing through the area and we found you unconsciousness. Do you remember anything about what happened?"

Kate tried to think. The memories refused to surface. "No...no, I don't."

"Great, an amnesiac," Cree interjected once again. "You always find these people in stories. At least she can remember her name. Makes things easier."

"Shut up, Cree!" Sarah urged. "It's okay, we won't force you to remember," she said, turning back to Kate. "You can travel with us until you get better. Isn't that right, Marina? Marina?" Marina wasn't paying attention; she'd gone back to speaking with her father. "Marina!" Sarah yelled, gaining her attention.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. What?" Marina walked towards them.

"This girl, Kate. She can remember her name but not much else. Can she travel with us?"

Marina looked Kate over, trying to size her up. "Where are you from, Kate?"

"I...I don't remember..." Kate honestly answered her.

"Mm..." Marina thought for a second. "Sarah, you're right, we can't just leave her here in this state. But we also can't trust her, and even if we could, our mission isn't exactly a safe one." She looked back towards Drake. "Give me a moment to talk with my father." Without waiting for permission to be granted, she slid back over to him. The others waited patiently for a long moment while the two finished their discussion. Finally, Marina rejoined them. "Fine. But she'll be expected to carry her weight. Kate, can you use a weapon?"

"Maybe..."

"We'll worry about that later. It's not hard to figure out what you're good with, give you a weapon and if you're good with it, you're good with it. This will also take a cut into our rations...we'll have to stop at the next town and pick up more. I don't imagine you have any money with you? Wait, never mind, that's not important now. Look, we're all hungry, and I imagine you must be too. Since we're stopped, I don't think anyone will mind us having dinner before moving on? No? Good." She smiled at Kate. "Good to have you with us, Kate."
PostPosted: Tue Nov 04, 2008 11:59 am


(All comments and corrections will be in red.)

~chapter one~

The girl let out a loud groan of pain as her consciousness came back to her. Upon resuming her consciousness, her first instinct was to panic as she opened her eyes and found she couldn't see. (This just sounds weird in general. Try finding a way to reword it so it reads better.)

"Hey, she's awake!" a voice from outside her own mind called. Footsteps nearby. Then the blindfold, which she found to be a moistened cloth, was removed from her eyes. (Unclear pronoun; try not to start sentences with 'and' if at all possible.) They singed for a moment in the bright sunlight, causing her to blink a few times before they'd adjusted to the light."'Singed' is not a word. I think you mean 'stung' or something along those lines. She was able to tell four . . . no, five figures swimming around her, though her eyesight still refused to cooperate completely, which left them as slowly defining blurs for the time being. She closed her eyes again to give them a rest. Be careful of tense changes and avoid them. Also, the ellipse in this case should be three dots with spaces in between.

"Are you okay?" It was the same voice from earlier, now bent over her as she lay on the ground. ('On her back' is implied here; 'was lain' implies that someone is just now laying her down on the ground.) Soft, female. Tender fingertips traced a line along her forehead and onto her face, and the sensation brought incredible pain to her for some unknown reason. She seethed with agony, sucking in air through gritted teeth. The hand quickly drew away.

Who . . . who are these people? Again, ellipses in the case of someone trailing off are three dots with spaces in between.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you! Jared, get me that salve I was using earlier!"

Another voice, rough, deep, male. "The blue tin or the green tin?"

"The green!"

A moment of silence, then footsteps. "Here you go, Sarah."

Another moment, and the girl found a cooling sensation being applied gingerly to the pained area. The pain seemed to be subsiding ever so slightly, and she didn't fuss as this apparent Sarah doctored her. She lay in silence and let the healer do her work.

"It's a really nasty gash," Sarah commented. "Were you in that battle that took place yesterday? You're wearing armor. . . ." Ellipses at the end of sentences where someone it trailing off is four dots, spaces in-between, with the first dot right next to the last letter, as shown.

I am?

A third voice spoke, a bit higher in pitch than the first male voice, but still male, and much harsher in tone. "Of course she was in the battle, Sarah. You don't just find injured people laying around all the time."

"Oh, hush," Sarah replied. "She could have been attacked by a wild animal." Her attention was redirected back to the fallen girl. "Jared, come here, help me sit her up." A moment, and she felt hands slowly helping her into a sitting position. It's unclear who 'she' is in this instance; you need to clarify. A light shone in front of her closed eyes, then ceased. "You can open your eyes now; they should be better." Comma splice; there should be a semi-colon, not a comma here.

The girl did as she was told. Finally, blurs were no longer blurs, and she could see the five people around her. The closest one, this Sarah girl, looked over her with concern. She seemed to be a younger girl, the youngest of the group situated around her. To her side sat a burly man, was that Jared? (There's a random POV change here as well as a comma splice.) A few paces off stood another man, older than the other two but still not very old at all, maybe in his mid-twenties. (If you can avoid it, do not start sentences with 'and.') He wore a disapproving expression on his face as he eyed the situation. Finally, there was a dark-haired girl standing some distance off, speaking with a much older man. (See what I just said about starting sentences with 'and.')They seemed to have removed themselves from the situation and were now discussing something intently, though what it was couldn't have been heard from this distance.

The healer girl set a staff to her side and smiled. "Hi. I'm Sarah." She brushed a hint of blue hair out of her own face and pointed around the group. "Jared," she said, confirming her suspicions of the brown-haired man beside her. (Once again, unclear pronoun usage. It sounds like Sarah was suspicious of Jared.)"Cree." She indicated the other blond-haired slender man. (I think this is a better way to phrase that last bit)"And- hey, Marina! She's awake!" This got the attention of the black-haired girl and the grey-haired older man standing beside her. Sarah giggled as she continued. "That's Marina, our tactician, you could say. And the other man is her father. We all call him Drake. So that's our introduction! What's your name?"

K...kate? Is that it?

"It's Kate. . . ." the girl finally spoke up, though slowly. Her eyes wandered around the group. "Thank you for helping me. . . ." (Ellipses again.)

Sarah giggled. "Don't be silly! We weren't just going to leave you there."

"I would have," Cree coughed, interjecting his two cents into the conversation.

Sarah shot him a vile look before continuing. "We were passing through the area and we found you unconsciousness. Do you remember anything about what happened?"

Kate tried to think. The memories refused to surface. "No . . . no, I don't."

"Great, an amnesiac," Cree interjected once again. "You always find these people in stories. At least she can remember her name. Makes things easier."

"Shut up, Cree!" Sarah urged. "It's okay, we won't force you to remember," she said, turning back to Kate. "You can travel with us until you get better. Isn't that right, Marina? Marina?" Marina wasn't paying attention; she'd gone back to speaking with her father. "Marina!" Sarah yelled, gaining her attention.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. What?" Marina walked towards them.

"This girl, Kate. She can remember her name but not much else. Can she travel with us?"

Marina looked Kate over, trying to size her up. "Where are you from, Kate?"

"I . . . I don't remember. . . ." Kate honestly answered her.

"Mm. . . ." Marina thought for a second. "Sarah, you're right, we can't just leave her here in this state. But we also can't trust her, and even if we could, our mission isn't exactly a safe one." She looked back towards Drake. "Give me a moment to talk with my father." Without waiting for permission to be granted, she slid back over to him. The others waited patiently for a long moment while the two finished their discussion. Finally, Marina rejoined them. "Fine. But she'll be expected to carry her weight. Kate, can you use a weapon?"

"Maybe. . . ."

"We'll worry about that later. It's not hard to figure out what you're good with, give you a weapon and if you're good with it, you're good with it. This will also take a cut into our rations. . . . We'll have to stop at the next town and pick up more. I don't imagine you have any money with you? Wait, never mind, that's not important now. Look, we're all hungry, and I imagine you must be too. Since we're stopped, I don't think anyone will mind us having lunch before moving on? No? Good." She smiled at Kate. "Good to have you with us, Kate."

Overall, I don't think it's all that bad. You just have a few grammar issues which aren't that big a deal. The main things are word choice, phrasing (read what you've written out loud, to someone else if you can. If it sounds weird or wrong, it probably is.), and ellipses. Also, are you putting two spaces at the end of every sentence? It looks really weird when you do that. Other than that, this is pretty good. I kind of want to see what happens next.


EDIT: Resized--Sorry, I didn't realize how long this was. ^^;;

Suisho Tomoe
Crew

Noble Guildswoman


Spyke114

PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 11:39 pm


This story looks like it will go somewhere ineresting, I'll check back here more often now to see if you've put up the next part. :3
PostPosted: Sun Nov 03, 2013 4:35 pm


"Come on, this way." Marina beckoned Kate. "Camp's this way. It's getting dark and there's a lot of places to snag your feet on the ground. It's kinda easy to twist your ankle. That right, Cree?" She glanced in his direction with an amused look, nodding.

"You just had to bring that up again, didn't you?" Cree sighed. Sarah patted him on the back. "It's all right," she replied quietly. "Good thing I was there with my staves, or you would've been there all night!"

Kate, meanwhile was not even sure what was happening. Sure, the party that had found her was nice and all, but it didn't make up for the fact that she was in the middle of nowhere with complete strangers and a head full of vague, fuzzy memories she could make no sense of. But she was unarmed, and what would she do if she wandered off on her own anyway? She wouldn't get very far, especially if there was danger out there. She considered for a moment. What had she been doing, anyway, that would have made it safe for her to be completely unarmed? She didn't seem to be injured other than that gash across her forehead, and it didn't feel like she had been attacked or anything. It was all very strange!

A voice broke her introspection. "Hey, lady, you alright?"

She glanced over to see that the large male, named Jared, had taken pace next to her. "Yes, um, I'm okay." She nodded. "Thanks for, um, helping me back there. By the way."

"No problem," he commented with a laugh. "I would've done it myself if I was leading. Marina's pretty nice, but you don't want to get on her bad side. She holds a grudge like you wouldn't believe. Just be glad Cree didn't find you. He doesn't trust nobody."

"Right, yeah," she giggled softly. "I can see that." She squinted to make out his dark cloak in the dim light. "Did... something happen to him?"

"Nobody knows. He doesn't tell anybody what's up except his sister. That's Sarah, by the way, in case you couldn't tell. He's good people, though. Don't worry about him."

"Uh... huh." Kate looked at Jared, sizing him up. "What do you do, anyway?"

"You mean this sword doesn't say enough?" He pat his back, where a large broadsword was sheathed. "I'm the main choppin' force around here. Used to be a sellsword, got myself in a pretty tight bind when I pissed off some old employers, was on the run until Marina came along. Nice girl she is, took one look at me and said I was hired. I asked her what her going rate was, she just said 'you need me more than I need you.' So I've been working with her for free, because it brings protection. And you don't find a brilliant tactician like that anywhere you go."

"Huh..." She gazed at Marina, whose light cloak was tossing about in the wind. And as if on cue, Marina announced to the rest of the group:

"Sarah, you make a comfortable place for Kate to rest. After dinner, I want you to take a look at that cut she's got. We don't want any infections around here. Cree, go get us some firewood! Jared, you go with him too. Between the two of you, you might actually get us something we can use."

Cree grumbled. "You do mistake me for a fool."

"Only a distractable one." She laughed. "And Kate, you stick around. I want to have a talk with you." The rest of the group grew silent, and ill ease settled upon Kate's nerves. Marina noticed this shift of tone, and snickered it off. "Hey, talking to me isn't that bad! Just catch up with me later, okay?"

Kate nodded. "Y...yes." Fortunately, they were approaching camp, and everyone else would be off soon to help with dinner.

WhirlwindTerror
Crew

Dedicated Raider

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