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Posted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 4:47 pm
Once upon a time all those words you can find in magical stories about princess finding there true love but what about us” a girl began to think as she started to writing. She was working on her essay for her class she was to write about what she thought about story books but after about 2 hours of thinking that’s all she came up with. As she got up she looked around her room a plain room for a young teenage girl. Dark blue walls with posters of all her favorite bands and singers on it her dark purplish almost blue carpet covered with cloths and magazines and her bed a mess. She walked over to her window she stretched as she looked out “another ordinary day like the rest” she thought as she calmly walked over to her door opening the door. She walked quickly down the hall down the stairway she stopped seeing the lonely note on the table she frowned “they had to be gone today again” she whispered to her self as she walked over and picked it up and read it. “Dear Cassandra we are sorry we couldn’t stay the week like we said we could, work came up so don’t be sad we will try and make it back before the weeks en-“ she didn’t even finish the last word. She knew they wouldn’t make it back they always said they’d "try" and never make it. She slipped into the kitchen and grabbed a plate as she put some toast in the toaster. She jogged up the stairs up to a door she came to a door that said on half of it “do not enter “ that half was black and the letters was in white as the second half was white and in black letters it said “please come in”. She turned the door knob and got a shoe thrown at her “sis nock first gees “sorry Luke” she said closing the door then knocking hearing a “you may come in” she opened the door as she calmly walked to the closet. She pulled out some clothes a dress and jeans and a t shirt “here melody here Luke “she stated calmly as she rushed Luke into the bathroom. Then she walked over to melody who was still in bed asleep “waky waky sleep head” she whispered as she shook her “I don’t want to get up” she hared melody yell in the pillow. “Come on young lady” she whispered loudly as she picked her up just as Luke came out of the bathroom she carried melody in the bathroom. Sat her down and gave her cloths “now when you get done you can have breakfast ok” “ok” melody whispered as she started to change as Cassandra left. She smiled as she picked Luke up and carried him down stares. He asked “where’s mom and dad” Cassandra stopped in mid step “oh they had to leave Luke but they said there try and make it tonight ok “ he frowned “there not going to make it to my game are they “ “now I wouldn’t say that they might” she said to him “they will not” she thought but couldn’t say it to him. As she looked at her watch she yelled to melody “I’m here” melody yelled coming into the room. “Ok you guys the bus will be here soon so hurry to the stop” she said handing them a lunch as they ran out of the house. She hurried and grabbed her bag and ran out of the house and locked it. As she walked to school she stopped and looked at a tree, It was a beautiful one full in bloom she looked again at her watch as she finished her walk. She came to the school she walked to the doors taking a deep breath as she walked in. She went to her locker and she grabbed her books but then her locker was shut almost on her hand. As she sees her old friend, new enemy Jessica “hey Cassandra I hared your little brother and sister started school are they losers like you if so then they most likely will fail “ Cassandra was mad she hated people talking about her brother and sister. “Just back off Jessica leave them alone” Cassandra said in a deep deadly voices as she walked to her class.
is this better?
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Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 5:46 pm
I am glad to help.
First things first...
Good story line. I like it, but it was really hard to understand because the lack of punctuation. But its still good.
Try to keep dialogue separate from the rest of the paragraphs.
One thing is for sure. Give your characters a little bit more personality. They can talk and move, but readers want to know whats going on inside their heads.
But so far... your doing a great job! biggrin
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Posted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 2:18 pm
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Posted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 2:38 pm
No problem. I'm always glad to help. Let me know when you've written or in this case, typed more. 3nodding
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Posted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 7:23 am
Great idea, going there! But like as it was mentioned before, punctuation is a MUST. Otherwise, it sounds inside the reader's head as though someone is reading your story out loud at top speed and without taking a breath, so that by the end, they've completely passed out from lack of oxygen!!! If you don't want readers passing out right and left, space out your writing. Take your time. There's no race to write a story, (unless you have a deadline, but that's something completely different...) so relax. A little bit more detail about the pictures you see in your mind would also help to generate an image in the reader's head as they read as well. Keep at it, and soon you'll have a really great story to tell!!!
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 12:51 pm
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