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Reply Misc Poetry.
crituqe this poem? title: robot mechanics

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Is this a good audition peice for arts high?
  Yeah
  Nah
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Fancy Ninja

PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 7:04 pm


How can I express myself
when the words forming
are only forming slurred
what has captivated me?
this thing called torture..
am I being tortured?
I know not these feelings you inject into me
this simple this you call trust
am I to trust you?
you call me lovely
what is this lovely?
is it the way rain feels against my skin?
is it your cheeks when a cold wind hits?
is it a petal on a rose?
are you really such a grand thing in my life?
are you waht you call yourself?
what is a master anyway?
will you teach me?



______________
I dunno I'm supposed to be studying french and I got bored. Sue me.
I'm trying out for arts high. D'ya think this is a good audition peice?
PostPosted: Mon Dec 29, 2008 11:18 am


Comment


Fantastic~ I Give It 4/5
Ermmm~ From My Perception The Robot Is Curious Bout Something~
Your Poem Quite Good . Sure It Is a Good Audition Piece .
Just a Little Bit Touch Up And It Would Be Greater .
Overall Nice Job Miss~


This Is Been a SamsuL/Firezz3 Service Comment

firezz3
Vice Captain


dramaartwriting
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Sun Jan 11, 2009 9:30 pm


looks good. two corrections:

Quote:
this simple this you call trust


this line above needs work.

Also, spell "what" correctly.

And good luck with poetry / lyrics
PostPosted: Sat Jan 17, 2009 10:50 am


I really liked it. I think it needs a bit of touch ups first, as someone mentioned before.

also, I don't know if it's intentional, but these images are used often:

Fancy Ninja
How can I express myself
is it the way rain feels against my skin?
is it your cheeks when a cold wind hits?
is it a petal on a rose?


I wasn't sure if he was questioning common images of "beauty" or if he was referring to images that are of "beauty." If it's the latter, you might want to pick non conventional images, so that it stands out more ad is more powerful. If it's the former, It could just be me reading it wrong, but you may want to express that cynicism or questioning feeling a little better (or more strongly).

I loved the flow, though. It is a beautifu poem that has the potential to become one of those rare "...WOW." poems. I think if you just fiddled with it a bit and tested to see what else you could do with it, it could become a selling piece for your audition.

Basil-tofu

Hygienic Gekko

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Misc Poetry.

 
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