Welcome to Gaia! ::

Mood: Bewildered. And a little frightened: I just found out that I don't sleep.
Listening to: The patterns of silence and the rhythms of my own mind.
Reading: Tea Leaves and Children's series books.
Eating: Nothing.
Drinking: Water. I've grown strangely fond of the Nectar of Life.

I think a decay's set into me, like a person dying of a malignant and undiscovered cancer. I return to old books, the comfortingly familair, stroking the spines of my little library, my worlds-in-a-bottle. Ametris is dead, nothing more than ash in the breeze now that it's all changed so much. I used to want avenge for its murder; now I realize that if the crime calls for capital punishment, I would have to destroy myself.

I'm fascinated by the strangest things now. The forbidden. Skydiving and streetracing, fighting and robbing and exploring, skipping school and making love. Sex has been consuming my thoughts lately, lurking on the parameters, no kinky or dirty chance encounters or one-night-stands but the confirmation of a love so deep that you have no secrets. It is unknown, and I was born curious. Plus, it's forbidden; I've been warned countless times that it will destroy my integrity, my self-worth, and most of all my future.

But what future is that? I constantly ask myself what will happen in one year, in two years, in five. Where I will be, what I will be doing, who I will be with. I play games with words, shifting them around in my head, wondering how simple communications managed to trap me so thoroughly. There are no worse prisons than words.

What is the right future for me? College and a career? To what profession can I apply my mediocre-at-best, patchy-at-worst talents? Or could I skip and purse my dreams, bike across the United States, hike up mountains, kayak down rivers, make my peace with the tempestuous sea? Or could I pursue love, become the wife-and-mother combo that I have never seen in myself, wake up in the same place beside the same person every morning for the rest of my life?

The debate is constant; I can never decide what I want most. I think I just want to freeze time, live in one shining moment forever, let the world pass me by as I do what I please with whomever cares to join me.

If I could choose, I'd live in Ametris again. Purity for hundreds of leagues, mountains and forests and rivers and seas and beauty surrounding every particle of air. People that were placid, not demanding, calm and monotonous and no threat to my freedom. OR to Sirtema, where everyone is free, where there is adrenaline and fighting and raw power and emotions run wild.

Even in my dreams, I don't know what I want.


~~~

I need mental help.

What is there for me to say? You sound like me, like I might be if I were better at expressing this deep and unsettling doubt that we share.

Why fix it? It is an insight to who you really are. That is if you can understand all your dreams.

Never suppress your dreams unless you want to block out your heart and mind completely. You will fall deeper into this chasm and not care.

I've only finished three. Maybe. But I've written enoguh to fill.....seventeen-eighteen I'd bet. I write a lot.

Quality over quantity.

Fanfiction can be of uber high quality if it wants to be. I'm not bashing it. Mostly becuase i write it. xd but if you nix the fanfiction there's still a couple thousand pages of uselessness on my hard drive. Including like four novels (novels being works longer than 50,000 words). Only one unfinished.

*Shrug* I can't say.

I keep getting random ideas. Most seem way too repetitive to me, or like I couldn't pull them off.

I'm thinking a combo would be nice. But I just don't know. I'm a love addict but it complicates everything.