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 Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 1:41 pm
I feel a little strange posting a thread in here. Especially when it's more of a personal matter that I have to fix on my own. Anyway, on to my dilemna .
Recently I've been noticing how obsessive and possessive my boyfriend is of me. I was dumb to the fact near the begining of the relationship, we've been seeing each other for a year and several months, and I noticed sometime in March that I needed some space. I talked to him about it, we agreed on it, and we had a day or so away from each other, then got back together. After a while I felt overwhelmed by him again and needed a little while away from him, had a bit of time, and then we, obviously, got back together. About 5 days ago, I had a really bad stress breakdown, one of the reasons of my stress is my boyfriend. I asked him to meet me in the park so I could talk with him.
I told him I didn't feel as strongly about him as I used to, he got defensive and started avoiding the problem. I told him I needed a break, again. I think what really bothered me and caused me to break down during this, and call off the break, was the fact that I saw him EVERY DAY we were supposed to be on this break, that he'd call me or text message me on my cell phone when we were supposed to be having time away from each other. We work together and have the same friends. It was Wednesday I had met up with him, I worked with him on Thursday, he came to the arcade where we work when I was working on Friday, we were both at our friend's birthday party on Saturday and we worked together again on Sunday. I missed him, and called it off. It was more than likely because it had wore me down seeing him like that while we were supposed to be AWAY from each other.
Yesterday I was a male friend's house, I told Daryl (my boyfriend) that I was going there and he didn't seem to mind that much, but I know he wanted to see me. We were in the middle of watching a movie, which was why I was there other than to visit this friend I rarely see, and he called my cell phone and nearly started demanding that he be included in this movie night or that I go out for coffee with him. I wasn't very impressed by this display and nearly started yelling at him to leave me alone, which wouldn't have been a mature way of handling this, so I said calmly that I had specificly made these arrangements to spend time with my friend and only my friend because everytime I go anywhere Daryl tags along. He sounded so hurt but I wasn't going to give in this time, so I told him "we'll talk later when I'm not at my friend's house and I'm not being extremely rude by talking to you and ignoring him."
When I got home I called him, just so he knew I was home safe. He apologized profusely and claimed that that he wouldn't do it again because he "Doesn't want things to get bad again", basically meaning he didn't want me to need to give him his space and me have my own. I feel like I called off this break too early, actually I KNOW I called it off too early but I just didn't want to keep seeing him and feeling badly. But I also feel that I didn't communicate to him exactly what I was feeling last Wednesday and he didn't quite understand what was going on. I want to tell him that I feel like he is being too possessive of me and that I want it to stop, or at least cool off. And I know I need to talk to him about it, one on one, face to face, but I just can't think of HOW to go about doing this, I need to be direct but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Any suggestions??? Please? Any advice is appreciated.
THANK YOU IN ADAVANCE!!
Edit!!: I forgot to mention he gets defensive when I am out with our friends and not him, he'd call me, I'd tell him where I was and who I'm with and he'd basically say "Well, why wasn't I invited?" I can understand that they are his friends too, but if he's at work, I have several hours to kill that I can spend with our friends without him and he gets uptight about it. He also sometimes tries to get me to go out and meet up with him so we can all hang out together, even when I'm where everyone is already.
Update 05.09.28 at about 3:38pm: Well I talked to Daryl on the phone, and it didn't get much accomplished because he had to run off to catch the bus to school. I did tell him how I feel about him constantly calling and his jealousy, he said he had realized what he was doing after so long and felt badly. I'm glad he's come to realize what he's been doing to me, but it still seems he just doesn't quite understand where I'm coming from, he may never understand I guess. But it's driving me nuts!! gonk crying
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 2:13 pm
Alrighty, since you're old enough to be called an adult, I'll treat this in a more "realistic" manner.
First off, your relationship is over. While you may think you're being kind to him by saying you need a "break" from each other, all you're doing is prolonging this ordeal. When I first read your post, I imagined this happening to a couple of 15 year olds. You know, when teens have their first "serious" relationship. But it's puzzling to me to see that you're 20 (or there abouts). First because the person that you're with sounds like he's incredibly immature, and second because, well, it sounds better to have two things to say. I'm assuming that Daryl is also near 20. Anyway, possessiveness and obsessiveness both lie in being insecure (mostly about the relationship and self-esteem). That's why this usually happens to 15 year olds, and by the age of 20, you're supposed to be past this (not you, but he is). So, in all, I'd call him emotionally underdeveloped, especially to be in a relationship.
So, now the question is, what do you do? First, you need to formally break up with him. You yourself have basically told us that you don't really want to be with him, so why give him the hope that you'll take him back? Be very straight forward in saying that your relationship is over. You will be seeing other guys, but not probably for a while. There's no chance in you two getting back together. Even though that will hurt him (and hurt him badly, as he seems to be an emotional virgin), he needs this type of slap in the face. He should feel self-confident enough to feel worth being in a relationship to you. As it stands right now, he probably puts you on a pedistal and views you as better than him. That's not the sign of a healthy relationship. End this one so that you can find a person that chooses to be with you because he can, not because he feels like he needs to. If that made any sense.
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 2:53 pm
Ouch.........
Okay, you're right, we're both near our 20s, but this is, embarassing to say, my very FIRST relationship. I guess this may make things a little more understandable of why I'm the way I am, but not much.
Did I really indirectly say that I don't want to be in the relationship anymore?... I'll admit, I have often thought about breaking up with him and it hurts that every time I do, it seems like a better idea. I do see him more as a friend and I suppose that may have to be the case. As much as I don't want it to be.
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:08 pm
Well, I have many friends who didn't get into relationships until 20 or so. I think generally around 17 to 18 is considered "normal." Anyway, it was through your tone and actions that gave off the "I don't really want to be with him anymore" vibe. If you really wanted to be with him, you'd be ignoring these problems. Not that ignoring would solve anything, it's just that you'd be willing to sacrifice some of your own happiness to support his (crazy) emotional needs. I really wouldn't sweat this relationship, as he has major insecurity issues, and well, you took it rather maturely. It's not everyday that you see someone say "back off man, I need my own space" in the mature manner that you did.
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:21 pm
It was hard to do that, but I do think he needs a bit of an eye opener too, I need to be more blunt about it I guess to get it through his head. I really don't want to call it off right away, I think maybe if I'm more direct he'll finally get it. I guess I just don't want to throw it all away just yet, plus if he's in a relationship after we're through he needs to know what it was that drove me away so he can learn from his mistakes.
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:35 pm
It sounds like you don't want to be with him because the tone of your voice in your writing and the actions that you take. Sure, we all get annoyed of each other at some point, that's why comedians are always complaining about it in their acts. It's kind of like if you have a sibling and you see them everyday (or your parents) you start to get frustrated with them because you have to deal with them everyday and you notice a lot more negative things about them because you see those negative things. I think the relationship that you're in right now is causing more stress than you probably want in your life right now. Personally, I think you should call it off because it doesn't sound like you want to be in the relationship and your boyfriend sounds a little possessive and a little obssessive.
You don't have to though. I would definitely talk to him about his actions. Instead of taking a break from your relationship, stick with it, and talk to him about what he's doing wrong and what he might want to change. If you don't do that then it's just going to keep getting harder and harder to be in the relationship. I think his actions with that movie definitely play a role in what might come for the future.
You should be able to have friends and it shouldn't be a matter of him tagging along all the time. If you want some friend time then you should be able to have that and you should let him know that you want that time.
My opinion.
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:41 pm
You two are godsends. Thanks for your advice and unbiased opinions. It's appreciated. I'll do what I can to approach him about this within the next day. Keep you posted if you'd like.
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:45 pm
Yes, definitely keep us posted. whee
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:49 pm
Trillium You two are godsends. Thanks for your advice and unbiased opinions. It's appreciated. I'll do what I can to approach him about this within the next day. Keep you posted if you'd like.
I have one more thing that I forgot to address. I know that you care about him and he cares about you and you guys have been going out for a very long time but I've seen this happen so many times in the past where people will break up, then they get lonely, and then they go back to that person. It sends mixed signals and things like that and it's usually not a good thing. Although, you don't have to abide by that guideline, you might want to consider taking care of emotional issues with another person, yourself, to something, or anything else.
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 5:33 pm
If you mean going to see a counselor or something, I've already taken the step to get a refferal, I've had lots to deal with in the passed year that's really bogged me down. I need the help.
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