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Turtle Dove - a short story

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Dragonrider258

PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 3:06 pm


Please listen to the song before reading. It is KEY to the short story.

The lyrics:

Fare you well my my dear,
I must be gone and leave you for a while,
If I roam away
I'll come back again
Though I roam ten thousand miles
My dear
Though I roam then thousand miles.

So fare thou art
My bonnie lass
So deep in love am I
But I never will prove false
To the bonnie lass I love
Till the stars fall from the sky
My dear
Till the stars fall from the sky

The sea will never run dry my dear
Nor the rocks melt with the sun
But I never will prove false
To the bonnie lass I love
Till the stars fall the sky
My dear
Till the stars fall from the sky

Oh yonder sits
That little turtle dove,
He doth sit on yonder high tree
A making a moan for the loss of his love
As I will do for thee
My dear
As I will do for thee.
PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 3:18 pm


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Dragonrider258


Dragonrider258

PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 4:19 pm


The year 1868 had no true meaning at all, except for the incident that would change the future, and the present, forever.

Andrew whistled to himself the sad love tune as he walked across the beautiful moor to the lake. His father told him earlier that morning that he had someone he wanted him to meet. Andrew ignored his father. All the "someones" were women who had no brain whatsoever. It wasn't hard to have these women want to court him. With him being a tall, brown haired, green eyed, handsome gentleman, he was hard to resist.

His father had wanted him to marry every since he was 18. His father was very, very rich and wanted his only child, his son, to inherit it. But knowing his son was sometimes very easy to persuade, he'd need a strong woman to keep him in his place.

Andrew sighed and stared at the fog over the lake where his small row boat bobbed on the almost glassy smooth water. He rolled up his sleeves and got into it, pushing himself away from the shore. He resumed back to his whistling the English folk song as he rowed enjoying the exercise and the fresh air.

"If only I had a girl to sing this too," he thought to himself as the song played in his head. As he rowed he didn't notice that by passing through the halfway mark of the lake, that he had broken a law that no human had ever done before, traveled through time. He looked ahead to see the other side of the shore, looking the same as it always did, only without a person sitting on the grass near the bank, a woman to be exact.

The girl looked up from her splashing in the lake. An odd thing was floating in the water, along with a person inside of it.

"Strange..."she thought to herself. "I've never seen that before." This girl's name was Xweena. She had long brown hair that looked like it was purple, crimson red eyes, and pale, pale skin. She wore a modern outfit of the year 3150, a tight dark blue metallic leather suit that accentuated her beautiful full figure. As she watched the floating object some closer she heard the person whistling a tune she had never heard of. She then stared at the man in the odd clothes in front of her. The very sight of him made her spine tingle and give her goosebumps. "Handsome for a strange man," she thought.

Andrew stared at the beauty that sat before him on the shore. He stopped whistling and just gaped at her. Never had he seen such beauty in his life. She wore some sort of odd bathing suit and had a strange color of eyes but he liked it.

"Ello, there,"Andrew said in his British accent as he pulled his boat onto the shore.

"Hello. I've never seen you before, or what your wearing and riding in for that matter," Xweena said. "What an odd accent," she thought.

"Are you telling me you've never seen a row boat before? I say, I've never seen you and I've never seen your style of clothing before either." Andrew got out of the boat and pulled it a little farther on shore to make sure it didn't float away.

"A row boat? I've seen boats before and that is no boat. My clothing for your information is quite modern. I don't know where you got yours."

"Modern? My clothes are modern, for an English Gentleman of 1868. I don't know what era to put on yours."

"Mine are fro.... 1868? 1868? Thats more than a thousand years ago. Have you hit your head? Its 3150, we need to take you to a doctor."

"3150? If it was 3150, this lake wouldn't be here, and neither would I for that matter."

"But it is."

"Prove it" Andrew didn't know why he was arguing with this beautiful woman. All he really wanted to do was ask her name. The girl shrugged her shoulder and pulled out of a pocked on her side a hover board that unfolded itself and landed, floating above the water.

"I'm dreaming. I'm just dreaming. I'll wake up and find out that I fell asleep in my boat." Andrew closed his eyes, begging his mind to wake up.

Xweena looked at him and frowned. She hated arguing with people. This guy looked like he was from the 1800's as he said. She knew that much from her history classes.

~Will write more later~
PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 9:10 am


((Bump))

Dragonrider258


Rosey Lyndi

PostPosted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 1:48 pm


Hi, Dragonrider258,

Your story appears to have promise but there are a few things you may be able to do to give it some substantiation. Your first sentence is good, but you may need to reword it a bit. It is slightly awkward. In the third paragraph, perhaps you should describe some more bits of the inheritance Andrew will receive, more than just "it." Also, in the fourth paragraph, describe more of his rowing, since you just state "it" here as well, for a moment, it is rather confusing as to what Andrew begins to do. Then, when you present the time slip, make it something momentous, with suspense and climax. I don't want to sound like I'm harping or anything to you, your story does have much in store, but i think the present obstacle you have to face would be to flush out your visions more. Make the meeting between Andrew and Xweena (I apologize if I got this wrong,) momentous, maybe even comical. Please don't think I'm being too harsh, but there can never be enough revisions done on any story ever written. As I've said earlier, you are going in a great direction and I would love to see the world Andrew has stumbled into!!
PostPosted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 9:21 pm


Thank you for your awesome comments. I don't think your harping at all. Every writer needs someone to help them edit their story. Thank you so much. I'm glad you like it.

Dragonrider258


Sesshie16

PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 11:21 pm


This definately has great potential. Great work Dragonrider. But I'd have to agree with Rosey, the moment of the time slip was a bit flat and just stated. Try to show, not tell, on this part. But it was definately unpredictable, which is a great trait for a story to have. Also, be a bit more detailed in the world that surounded them, how the woman may act differently than the man, considering the era and how culural differences may come into play. Also, try to stay with Andrew's situation, like when she pulls out the hoverboard; andrew has no idea what a hoverboard is, to him it is just a new peice of technology. There could be a lot of suspension and mystery in this story, which is very creative. Good work, and keep it up. blaugh
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