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 Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 12:28 pm
Resolved; thanks everyone.
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Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 1:14 pm
There are many factors to your problem, which only increases the complexity of it. Once you throw in religion, it becomes a monster that will probably require professional help to move through. Basically, here's what's the affecting you.
See, when children are young they're taught (mostly by their parents) a moral and ethical code. You know, don't steal, don't interrupt people, don't lie, and the like. That allows us to develop a sense of what's right and what's wrong. People that are raised in religious households (especially very religious) are often trained in the religion's moral and ethical views. These vary greatly, but most Christian-based religions definitely include an anti-homosexualty stance. Hence, from very early on you've been raised to believe that homosexuality is wrong. However, while you do consider yourself to be bisexual, this underlying belief is still apart of you. Deep down, your guilt rooted in this "going against your religion" thoughts. It's almost as if you're acting out against this belief, only to feel guilty because you're doing so.
The hardest part isn't seeing the problem, it's trying to solve it. Thanks to your upbringing, you're wired to believe homosexuality is "bad." Given that you're in a homosexual relationship, this certainly is causing your problems. How can you show your intimacy with a person of the same sex if you're constantly feeling that what you're doing is wrong? Even if you don't consciously think that, your body is reacting that way (and hence no sex drive). Don't try to push or rush sex, but do realize that it's not primarily because of insecurities, it's all with the guilt factor. I would bet that this problem will be very hard to overcome alone, and thus I suggest seeking professional help. Say that you've been raised religious and that you feel guilty for going against your religion. Over time, you'll be able to sort of 'retrain' your mind to believe that what you feel and do isn't wrong, but natural. Until then though, you'll continue to feel the way you do, no matter who you're with (if she's a girl).
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Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 2:39 pm
I think I really do believe it's wrong, though. sweatdrop I don't know how to handle this.
How should I bring it up to my mom that I would like professional help?
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Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 3:01 pm
A Beautiful Psycho I think I really do believe it's wrong, though. sweatdrop I don't know how to handle this. How should I bring it up to my mom that I would like professional help? If you honestly do think it's wrong, but you still feel an attraction towards women, then you have serious enough issues to see someone professionally. In all likelihood, you're best option is to *gasp* lie to your mom and say that you feel depressed for some reason. She'll probably suggest taking you to the doctor, but insist that you should see a counselor first. Then, once you're in the counselor's office, you can bring up the real issue. Since they have a strict code of ethics, you can be assured your privacy and talk about anything you really want, yet have your mom still believe you're in for depression (or any other reason).
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Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 3:06 pm
Soleq A Beautiful Psycho I think I really do believe it's wrong, though. sweatdrop I don't know how to handle this. How should I bring it up to my mom that I would like professional help? If you honestly do think it's wrong, but you still feel an attraction towards women, then you have serious enough issues to see someone professionally. In all likelihood, you're best option is to *gasp* lie to your mom and say that you feel depressed for some reason. She'll probably suggest taking you to the doctor, but insist that you should see a counselor first. Then, once you're in the counselor's office, you can bring up the real issue. Since they have a strict code of ethics, you can be assured your privacy and talk about anything you really want, yet have your mom still believe you're in for depression (or any other reason). Good idea. I really think I'm going to try that. How could I ask her about it without her going into "OMFG Where did I go wrong?!!1" mode?
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Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 3:34 pm
Just say that you have some concerns about how you feel and that it would really help you out if you could talk to someone about them. She might pull the "but I'm your moooooooom... crying crying crying ", but she'll just have to get over it. You need to look out for yourself now, and if she's unwilling to do so, see if you can make other arrangements to go to a counselor's office.
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Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 7:21 pm
Soleq Just say that you have some concerns about how you feel and that it would really help you out if you could talk to someone about them. She might pull the "but I'm your moooooooom... crying crying crying ", but she'll just have to get over it. You need to look out for yourself now, and if she's unwilling to do so, see if you can make other arrangements to go to a counselor's office. I agree. However, make sure that once you're with the counselor that you tell him or her that you wish to speak strictly alone with them. My parents put me through "counselling" this last spring... The lady decided that I had a conversational block towards my parents, so she basically had me sit in a tiny room with them (my parents and the counselor) and had my mom tell sob stories about how worried she was about me, thus turning the counselor against me...which turned sessions that were originally supposed to help me get over my stressed emotional state at the time (and preferably to help me get over my addiction to cutting) into little sessions of torture where my parents and the counselor got to stare at me and try to force me to explain to them why I didn't trust them. stare Needless to say, it didn't work at all sweatdrop Anyway, your problem is very complicated. I do believe that your religious background is the cause of this...hm. I was also raised very religiously, and I have also been having a lot of problems with my religion-which also started around the time that I began accepting myself as a lesbian. It does feel very oppressing, especially if you belong to a church where homosexuality is a stressed "evil." I know that I don't know you at all, but I must say that I'm proud of you for being able to accept yourself *and* to stay this loyal to your religion. I know that you've been drifting from it, but I do concider it to be loyalty when you feel that simply switching to another church would be taking the easy way out, rather than living with sacrifices, as Jesus did. I know it's hard...but ultimately, you only have to know that God loves you no matter who you are, or how you are...no matter what anyone else says. You are his child, his creation, and he knows that while you have sinned (and of course, we can't really know if homosexuality is a sin in his mind...it could very well be a odd part of his plan to control overpopulation o.o or something), you are still his. Many, many people have committed "crimes" much, much worse than this, and God does not abandon them. He will not abandon you. So keep on trying to stay and touch with him, ne? Of course, I tell you this because you seem really connected to your faith. If you are thinking about giving it up, I wouldn't be one to call you wrong-if it works for your life. I do think that you should talk to a good counselor about all of this. I know that long distance relationships are hard, and that homosexual long distance relationships are harder, and that homosexual long distance relationships in which the area that you live in is completely unsupporting of you is even worse--believe me, I'm currently in one myself--but if you really, truely love this woman, then that should be enough. If she really, truely loves you, then love will find a way, and you will work out your problems through time. I suggest talking to her about this, if you haven't yet, and even perhaps going to a relationship counselor together at some point. I agree with Soleq that it is probably your subconciousness telling you that your relationship is "bad" that is causing your problems with being physically attracted to her, but with counselling, you probably will be able to gradually break down your walls on that and begin to allow yourself to become involved physically. By all means, once you are together, don't rush into a sex life. I'd suggest living more like friends, and yet having a romantic relationship still at an emotional/mental level. Gradually, perhaps, you should be able to become comfortable with cuddling and holding hands and such like that, even if it's just in your own home, and then you should be able to progress from there. It seems like a good sign that she is willing to wait smile That is a sign that she truely cares about you. Try not to guilt yourself into giving into her wishes, though, once you are physically together...wait until you are ready. She seems like she will understand.
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Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 5:46 pm
Miniji Tsunami Soleq Just say that you have some concerns about how you feel and that it would really help you out if you could talk to someone about them. She might pull the "but I'm your moooooooom... crying crying crying ", but she'll just have to get over it. You need to look out for yourself now, and if she's unwilling to do so, see if you can make other arrangements to go to a counselor's office. I agree. However, make sure that once you're with the counselor that you tell him or her that you wish to speak strictly alone with them. My parents put me through "counselling" this last spring... The lady decided that I had a conversational block towards my parents, so she basically had me sit in a tiny room with them (my parents and the counselor) and had my mom tell sob stories about how worried she was about me, thus turning the counselor against me...which turned sessions that were originally supposed to help me get over my stressed emotional state at the time (and preferably to help me get over my addiction to cutting) into little sessions of torture where my parents and the counselor got to stare at me and try to force me to explain to them why I didn't trust them. stare Needless to say, it didn't work at all sweatdrop Anyway, your problem is very complicated. I do believe that your religious background is the cause of this...hm. I was also raised very religiously, and I have also been having a lot of problems with my religion-which also started around the time that I began accepting myself as a lesbian. It does feel very oppressing, especially if you belong to a church where homosexuality is a stressed "evil." I know that I don't know you at all, but I must say that I'm proud of you for being able to accept yourself *and* to stay this loyal to your religion. I know that you've been drifting from it, but I do concider it to be loyalty when you feel that simply switching to another church would be taking the easy way out, rather than living with sacrifices, as Jesus did. I know it's hard...but ultimately, you only have to know that God loves you no matter who you are, or how you are...no matter what anyone else says. You are his child, his creation, and he knows that while you have sinned (and of course, we can't really know if homosexuality is a sin in his mind...it could very well be a odd part of his plan to control overpopulation o.o or something), you are still his. Many, many people have committed "crimes" much, much worse than this, and God does not abandon them. He will not abandon you. So keep on trying to stay and touch with him, ne? Of course, I tell you this because you seem really connected to your faith. If you are thinking about giving it up, I wouldn't be one to call you wrong-if it works for your life. I do think that you should talk to a good counselor about all of this. I know that long distance relationships are hard, and that homosexual long distance relationships are harder, and that homosexual long distance relationships in which the area that you live in is completely unsupporting of you is even worse--believe me, I'm currently in one myself--but if you really, truely love this woman, then that should be enough. If she really, truely loves you, then love will find a way, and you will work out your problems through time. I suggest talking to her about this, if you haven't yet, and even perhaps going to a relationship counselor together at some point. I agree with Soleq that it is probably your subconciousness telling you that your relationship is "bad" that is causing your problems with being physically attracted to her, but with counselling, you probably will be able to gradually break down your walls on that and begin to allow yourself to become involved physically. By all means, once you are together, don't rush into a sex life. I'd suggest living more like friends, and yet having a romantic relationship still at an emotional/mental level. Gradually, perhaps, you should be able to become comfortable with cuddling and holding hands and such like that, even if it's just in your own home, and then you should be able to progress from there. It seems like a good sign that she is willing to wait smile That is a sign that she truely cares about you. Try not to guilt yourself into giving into her wishes, though, once you are physically together...wait until you are ready. She seems like she will understand. Thank you for your advice. Everything you said makes perfect sense. heart I think I will talk to my mom about seeing a counselor, and make sure I can talk to them alone. 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 7:42 pm
Glad I was able to help ^_^
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Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 10:12 am
Well, I finally convinced my mom to let me see a counselor. We argued about it because she thinks my depression is something I caused for myself by not getting involved with other people.. she has no idea. But even though we fought, I will be seeing someone.
In the meantime, the guilt is tearing me apart. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm wondering if I should tell my girlfriend. The thing is, I'm terrified of losing her. I don't know what would be worse.. living with the guilt or losing her and watching her fall for someone else and forget all about me. Please.. does anyone have any more advice?
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Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:35 pm
Maybe you just arn't ready for a sexual relationship with her yet. She sounds understanding, and if in a few months, maybe more, you are still not ready for a sexual relationship, talk to her about it.
You can't lie to your parents forever, and when you do decide to get married, weather it be to this girl or another person, your parents shouldn't be judgmental but happy for you.
I'm sorry I couldn't offer anymore advice, good luck.
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