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 Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 9:56 pm
1. IntroductionHow do you introduce the memories and ramblings of a YEAR that I would have at times given my soul to skip past to this point and at other times wished as hard that I could extend that moment? I should probably introduce it with a warning I suppose... Warning: The following may contain memories out of sequence and the ramblings of a random individual. Some memories may contain details that some viewers may consider offensive. Viewer discretion is advised.
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Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 11:57 pm
2. Love
How many ways can a heart break?
It starts with a crack that causes an ache
And after a while
You forget how to smile
And you wonder just how long you can fake.
In the last year I have found out that hearts are resilient so long as the brain is sound. A death in the family and several boyfriends who were 'perfect' when I met them and turned out to be manipulative or down right abusive in one manner or another. Met new friends, lost a couple, grew apart from my best friend, met the man who I am sure is my soulmate. It floors me that the human heart can take so many ups and downs and still manage to carry on. You cannot measure that kind of strength.
Grief is a black abysmal maw
Where there is no logical law
Where your final breath
Results not in death
But in waking you find your nerves rubbed raw.
My uncle passed away, cancer of the intestines, and at his funeral I watched my grandmother bury her son. I watched my mother, a communication's specialist (think news anchor), become so overcome with grief that she could barely finish her speech. I'm alright now, although I do wish my uncle was around to show my boyfriend what 'real' camping is like.
Take a moment, if you would, of silence.
My uncle taught me much of the world: Hence
I own s**t-kicking shoes
And love hearing good news
And will never find herself on that theoretical fence.
Due to my background I have 'acquired' more guardians than the queen of England. My uncle was one of them. It doesnt' matter here what he was protecting me from... but I have still lost one. He did teach me to be true to ME and to hell with the rest of the world.
And yet life, and love, moves on
Leaping into the future with every new dawn.
The search for a soul mate
Resulted in a pair of soul 'hates'
But hope, that eternal flower, is not yet gone.
Met a few guys in the last year. Two of which turned out to be either manipulative or abusive or both depending on the day. Needless to say I am not with either of them anymore. One became extremely childish when I broke up with him and the other threatened to kill himself and claimed to have tried to. I don't even acknowledge him anymore... that's called mental abuse kids...
Can you define a perfect connection?
Could YOU have pointed me in it's direction?
'Cause I've got it now
So please tell me how
It went for so many years without my detection?
Long story which I'm not posting in here about Brian. Basically... the connection between us is INSANELY strong and somehow it just keeps getting stronger.
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 12:20 am
3. Light
Nightmares rip through my mind and I wake gasping for air and clutching at my boyfriend, waking him from a deep sleep. He rolls over and holds me close, mumbling words that I'm pretty sure aren't english. Someday someone will get a doctorate when they translate sleepineze. He kisses my forehead and then tucks me into his chest, rubbing my back before he starts to snore again. I stare into his chest, still panting from my nightmare and watch this little circle of light slowly run up his chest. By the time it reaches his shoulder it's a blur and I lose track of wether or not I'm even awake anymore.
I'm in the office at work getting something, I can't remember what now of course, and I happen to look through the window to the back yard. It looks like a 5 year old chose the colors of the sky. Pale pink that brightens to a deep rose, and purples that fade from dark bruises on the sky to the palest lavender flowers. I watch the wind shift the picture slowly as the sun climbs into the sky and I wonder how the hell anyone could sleep through this much light!
The last few days (weeks?) I've been seeing a lot of the life lessons I've learned in the past year given life through random acts of the light. The light crawling up his shoulder and putting me back to sleep, the dawn that I saw, having the light 'dawn on me' that my two exes were being manipulative, abusive assholes... the list is endless. There is no better light than the light of knowing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment in time.
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 12:29 am
4. Dark
What monsters lurk in the darnkess behind your eyes? Are they made of memories? Or nightmares?
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 12:42 am
5. Seeking Solace
Behind my eyes, in the darkness of my fears and the terror of my failings, I can still seek solace. I know that makes no sense, but is there any better solace than knowing who you are? How else can you find yourself, can you seek solace, than by delving into yourself and disecting your personal demons?
Of course, seeking solace is a million times easier when the person you love is holding you close and you are surrounded by their smell, their taste and their skin. Solace is found at that instant before you fall asleep where everything is alright.
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 1:11 am
6. Break AwayQuote: I'll break away and I'll learn how to fly/Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye ---- Kelly Clarkson This town is dragging me down again, I can feel it. You can't walk anywhere anymore, too many rapes and murders and drug deals going bad lately. You can't take a cab because 1) they take HOURS to get to where you want them to be and 2) they are the controllers of the sex trade in town. You can't take a bus because they run once an hour every hour on the hour between 9 am and 6 pm..... does that make sense to ANYONE? The safest mode of transportation in the city beyond owning your own vehicle, which I don't, doesn't run when it's dangerous to be out and about... I need to break away from this place. I need to move on in my life. So long as I live here I'll be doing the same circuit of my life. Always travelling the same paths although the jobs will change I'm sure. It's never easy to break out of a 24 year old habit though....
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 1:12 am
7. Heaven
Quote: Oh lord, there ain't no heaven Oh lord, there ain't no heaven --- DJ Champion
Quote: In this world we're just beginning To understand the miracle of living Baby I was afraid before But I'm not afraid anymore --- Belinda Carlisle
Heaven, being perfection, is impossible for us to even comprehend, nevermind visualize. So imagine a place, literal or theorhetical that I leave up to you, where the mindset is that you will never be able to leave. If you last here 20 years or so you are here for life. Imagine being so far removed from people that don't live in that same mindset that it's WORTH it to drive for 8 hours down a bad highway to see a movie in a decent theatre then turn around and drive the 8 hours back. THINK OF THE GAS PRICES!!! Still though, after travelling to places like China I think I can still say that the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life was here at home. I find the little pieces of Heaven here, where I am sitting still for now, and it makes the Hell around me take a step back. On the occasions when I am calm enough to make myself a little piece of Heaven, it backs away more.
So maybe Heaven isn't real. But if Hell can exist then I choose to believe that it's opposite can as well. And maybe someday, if we all try to find those little pieces of Heaven that are all around us, maybe it CAN exist on earth as well.
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 8:38 am
Just glancing to see how much you completed last night. Break away is by Kelly Clarkson.
I will read more later. I am late for work.
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Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 11:39 pm
8. Innocence
I've
Never actually seen a true innocent.
Never felt truly innocent,
Or tried to
Come across as innocent. I don't think it
Exists in this world, as much as heaven without it becomes a
Neutral sort of
Counter-balance to the world we
Endure.
Failure to see the innocence isn't a failure of the existence of it,
After all, I've never seen the
Devil either, but I'm sure he's there somewhere.
Everyone sees the world differently
Sure, but can we see it so differently that the very idea of innocence becomes moot?
What if
I
Thought that evil was fading from the world? Would that
Hypothesis make evil fade?
And if it did would I then see innocence?
Guesses and thoughts in a world with no
Equilibrium will only ever be: Guesses and thoughts.
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Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 12:10 am
9. DriveWhat drives a person to take risks? What does a person lack who hides in their shell? Or does it take a different kind of drive to hide for your entire life? Where does drive come from? What drives people to survive? Does failure mean a lack of drive or a drive in the wrong direction? These are questions that I have thought of over the last year. These and so much more. If you can answer them feel free, but I don't think anyone can answer them fully. What drove me to Minneapolis to meet a total stranger? I could say the bus, but I think the sarcasm at this point is useless. I was smart enough to bring a friend with me, but honestly? I have no idea what drove me to go down there. I won't say it was a wasted trip, MoA was awesome and tonnes of fun, but I won't say that it was worth it either. What drove me prior to dating that one to hide in my apartment? I was online all the time and I'm thinking now that no one really saw me. I know damn well that no one I met in the last year really knows me. I can't say there was a drive to hide, but maybe there was a drive to avoid? Then again, am I really not hiding now? I'm working, but I was then too. I haven't a clue where my personal drive comes from. Or if I really have any for that matter. I want to go back to school. I want to write for a living, but I don't work on it. What drives me to keep living this stupid pathetic mundane life? Oh hey, I can answer that one... a deep hope that things will change for the better. That life improvement over time is possible. That I will at some point stop ******** up and start making my life make sense. That at some point I will find the drive that will take me through to where I'm supposed to be.
Does failure mean a lack of drive or a drive in the wrong direction?
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Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 1:27 am
10. Breathe Again
The feeling of your throat constricting, your lungs screaming in pain and your mouth contorting in silence before that gasp. That's what happens when you breathe in steam.
The feeling of your throat not closing, your lungs trying to twitch in pain and your mouth not feeling anything. That's what happens when you breathe deep of the frigid air of a January morning.
The feeling of your throat bulging under pressure, your lungs burning as they try to expel the air, your mouth tasting of chlorine, your eyes burning as you look at the wavering light high above your head. That's what it's like to hold your breathe underwater.
Such a fragile ability: Humans ability to breathe.
Something we can't live without, and something so easy to take away.
Life is like being underwater with your eyes closed when you are in love with a dream. That feeling of weightlessness is so wonderful and you feel safe and secure because you are supported from every side. Until your lungs start to feel constricted and you open your eyes to find yourself drowning, not in love or even lust, but in fear of being alone.
Even breaking away isn't enough because the first thing you do is get rid of all the pent up air, which means that as you fall back into the water your lungs are still burning and you are about to submerge yourself again.
The most refreshing thing in the world is not to resubmerge your body, but to crash into the water and lay on it's surface, watching the light reflect off the water and onto the ceiling calming your soul and making no sense what-so-ever. Just the fact that it's there is enough. Hope.
That's what it feels like to breathe again after holding your breath for fear of losing touch with your life.
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Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 1:46 am
11. Memory
I shall write this one tomorrow as I am tired now...
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