Welcome to Gaia! ::

disclaimer: long venting session...no room for 'tl;dr' here, and no room for immaturity. if you guys know me, you know i kind of don't mess around and am true to myself

now im very sure im writing this out of pure 'in the moment-ness' but i just need to...iono...vent
i feel comfortable writing this, because a lot of you are friends to me and i feel i can get at least a little something from this
so as i write this, all of this has happened in the past 20 or so minutes...

well, there was this girl
met on gaia, no less =.=; and we clicked. we had everything in common, she was gorgeous, i made her laugh, we had thorough conversations, anything under the sun
and by anything under the sun, i mean anything two people can do while not even living in the same state.
at this point, I've known her for about...6 months. it has been probably the happiest 6 months in my life for, as really really really odd as this sounds: i truly believe i have experienced true love for the first time
~
now i know, it does sound odd and i myself have a very sturdy head on my shoulders. im practically 20, are attending college ((for a second time)) and have my career planned out. not to mention that i have experienced love lives and dealt with almost everything there is to know for someone my age.
~
but i honestly felt like i was in love
i felt like i was the luckiest man alive and everything that reminded me of her placed me on the brightest, whitest cloud in the sky.
i felt like i have possibly found the one...you know?
time passed
and it got to the point where both her, and myself got boyfriends and girlfriends
((and we, after some internet dating i guess, mutually agreed because we needed the physical attention part, you know. but it was made clear that we fancied each other more)
and it was sad but we still had really strong feelings for each other
it would make me sad when i would see her myspace bulletins about 'oh i love my [boyfriends name] and things, but oh well, i went on and to this day, i still care for the girl im with now

but i was told she was coming to California
and not just to California, but relatively close to where i live
i had to make the trip

i told her i was gonna make my way out, and she was super happy and was really excited to finally see me after almost half a year
so this past Friday, July 25th, i drove 2 hours to Sacramento where she was visiting her dad
and spend the most glorious 8 hours i have ever spent
almost immediately after sharing a shaky voiced nervous "hello" and a 4 to 5 minute hug, we sit down on her couch only to have her head hit my shoulders and her arms wrapped around me
the TV was off, the lights were low and we just talked
then...we kind if relived some...for lack of better word...intimate things ((nah, not all the way)) but it made us the happiest we have ever been and we felt so close
we promised wed meet again someday, and that she will be in my heart always. and that of course, ill IM her once i get home
cut to this evening, July 28th where i spent a weekend of complete and total non contact with her while watching her myspace status read "angry, sad," yadda yadda and that she misses her bf.
i wrote to her with my feelings saying it was an amazing day ill never forget and that i hope she feels better soon
yeah, i got the picture but i was optimistic. i felt happy..but still confused as to why she was completely ignoring me. ((coz of course you can tell when someone read your myspace messages, you know? it said "Read" on it...))

~~~~~~~~~

then i get a message
its from her

'you are the creepiest person i have ever met'

'the only reason i ever liked you was coz i was lonely and you were a good rebound and you listened to me'

'you are WAY to clingy and you need to stop talking so ******** of course, that wasn't the whole letter, i was just quoting some bits...
so after about 5 minutes of re-reading the letter, literally teary eyed, i ran to the bathroom and vomited, lying to my parents saying it was prolly dinner and that i ate to much of it...and ill be ok

i wrote to her back in a small amount of words apologizing and mentioned that now i know what it is like to truly be lied to, and that i take it that this is a "see you never"

and i left it at that

now, as im writing this sentence, my eyes are dry, for writing soothes me, and only shines when im depressed ((sad aint it)) and its been about an hour or so since i got the message

a complete mix of emotions are running through my mind, and heart right now...a mix of:
~complete and total depression
~anger at her
~and at myself
~confusion
~the feeling if being used
~prolly about 5, 10 other things im forgetting

and most notably, heartbroken

~~~~

now i tend my heartbrokeness quite alright...it just takes a while, i have learned never to brood on hardships for it only makes it worse..but still, you know?

never, have i loved someone like i did her before. and i am VERY sure i will again love someone in the future. that's easy to admit
but the thing that's really hitting me is...
basically...

i fell ******** HARD
not only in love...but like...wow i honestly didn't know someone could pull off a charade like she did for so long...and not only like that, but in person with little to no signs at all of her giving herself away

and along with that, i have never been lied to like that before...never has someone lied to me THAT bad, which led to a great consequence for myself
hell, im sure shes feeling VERY good about herself...i really doubt, at this point, she feels bad if shes felt this way about me for so long.

~
after writing that iono what else i was gonna say...writers block...crap
~

but yeah...like i said, im writing this to you guys coz id rather have friends lend an ear as opposed to writing this in a private journal or blog or something, coz no one will read it, thus other then the tranquility of writing, i wont get any help from it.

i just wanna know what you guys think...and before such things are stated, im very sure of these things

~yes, i probably seriously ******** up ROYALLY somewhere down the line,
~it has been proven to me that even the sturdiest of hearts can be allowed to be deceived and manipulated
~and don't mention my gf, or her bf...coz that's not the point, i already know what went on in relation to that, so no real need to bring it back up and things...

so yeah, i know this was prolly long enough to fill a college sized report, but i do thank anyone who read it, and am accepting of anything you guys have to say

its about midnight now, and i should prolly be asleep..not like anythings happening till i start work next week lol

thanks guys heart

...scum. Scum of the bloody earth. .__.

You know what I said in the IM, and I'll say it again, you're awesome dude.

Whoa...Holy s**t. I don't even know you, yet I feel for you, dude. Reading all of that made me cry, because I know just how you feel. I'm sorry to say that things like that happen far too often.

The truth is, there are some girls out there who complain about wanting a good, decent guy (such as yourself; I don't know you, but I can tell you are) who won't treat them like total s**t, as many guys would. But once they get that good guy, it's not good enough for them, and they tear them up, sometimes trying to change them, sometimes constantly hurting them in any way they can...or sometimes simply tossing them out like an old glove. It's sad but true. And yes, I know that applies to some guys too, but I'm speaking through MY point of view and experiences, so sorry if anyone thinks I'm sexist or anything, because I'm not. But anyway....

The best thing I can tell you, man, is to just wait it out, go on with your life, and do your damnedest to get over it. I know, it's easy to say but hard as hell to do. But that's all we have..is to just keep moving on. There are things that can help, such as listening to music, writing, and first and foremost, spending time with your friends and letting them aid in the healing process. I'm right there on the "recovering from heartbreak" train as well, so don't worry, you're not alone. Myself, and many other people, are along for the ride. I don't really know you, but I truly know how you feel, and as I say to everyone else, if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm always here to listen. Talk, no, not unless I feel I need to. But I sure as hell can listen.

"When I look around, everybody always brings me down. Well is it them or me? Well I just can't see, when there ain't no peace to be found. But if someone really cared, well they'd take the time to spare a moment to try and understand another one's despair. Remember in this game we call life, no one said it's fair." ~ W. Axl Rose

Heartless Douche Bag. Sorry but I am so tired of these type of people who find it amusing to play peoples lives/emotions like they where a game, for their own damn amusement. As you can tell i'm pretty P'sd off and its not just because it's 'my time of the month' its because i know so many people like her who seem to get away with it because of their good looks, or innocent personality. Ive seen the carnage it creates, and its not pretty, im so sorry you had to find out that way.

Manipulative, caniving, self rightious people like her need to get flacon punch'd then left on the street like road kill. I don't know what to really say apart from what the others have said. We never really get over our first loves but there are plenty of others out there, you jsut have to grab the time whilst you can. At least you know that your clued in, I really hope you find someone elses who will treat you well and be so amazing for you that you'll forget all about this thingy-whats her face ^^

<3 Fujin

I would kill for less than that. I seriously would.

People like her aren't worth it anyways, Vell. If they can lie to themselves and to others so easily, they are no better than roaches.

Consider what she did to you a favor, man, and thank the fates every day that she didn't string you along longer.

I've never had my heart broken by someone else, so while I can't empathize, I can certainly sympathize. Just reading everything you wrote brought some of your pain home to me, and they say that pain shared is pain halved, and I can only hope that so many of us seeing this and sharing your pain has helped you to heal somewhat. I won't give you advice, and I won't pull any "There there, dear, it'll be alright" acts on you, because I know very well that they don't work, but like Banshee said, if you need anyone to vent at who will listen, I'm here. I know very well that sometimes just ranting at someone who won't call you an idiot for it can be all the medicine you need, and I am perfectly willing to provide until you decide you no longer need it. Just know that all of us here will always be here for you, otherwise we would never have responded to this. If you ever need anything from any of us, well, I think the Trans Siberian Orchestra said it best.

"Know at that moment I'll be there for you."

Heart, dude.

Once again, someone takes the words right outta my mouth.

I'm with you Android, even though I've never spoken to you before. And honestly; Sou, if you need help on the above idea, just click a finger and I'll be there.

You're right. She must've been lying to herself. How someone can bring themselves to do such things while feeling the opposite, I. Don't. Know.

well, to answer your question bluntly, i mentioned that the reason i went to visit her in the first place was coz she was here in California visiting her dad, she was alone
her friends live in seattle
so i guess unless her friends know her myspace password and all that, but what are the odds you know?

but yeah im fine
^_^

imma post in my Disney job thread telling about my first day at work today biggrin