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 Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:16 am
Okay you guys, this one is experimental, tell me what you think. Quote:
The Story of Our Lives
Oh to be young; so naive, so ignorant.
When you could say anything, do anything, and the only reply would be, "How cute!"
When your biggest worry was, "I lost my teddy bear!"
When mean meant your older brother had taken your toy.
When 'making love' meant making chocolate chip cookies with your grandmother.
When children your age stil thought kissing was icky.
When you had no idea that just outside your front door was a whole world;
A world that seems to be out to get you;
A world full of racism and war.
When the only 'bad word' you knew was 'stupid.'
But now we're much older, much less innocent,
And we have knowledge of the cruel world around us.
Now we know what worry and sadness really are.
Suddenly we find our selves counting the years
13...
18...
20...
Somewhere through the ages kissing turns from icky to romantic
And 'making love' has a whole new meaning.
True love starts seeming more and more like a fairytale
Until we fianly realize that there is somebody out there who wants to be with us
Who cares about something other than using us and breaking our hearts.
Some of us find them very early in life,
Others search forever, only to die alone.
The ones of us who stand on the sidelines watching things like this happen are the ones who know how short life really is.
They are probably the wisest of us all;
Never falling under love's blinding spell and always knowing that things might not turn out well.
The rest of us have no clue that there's a sideline at all; we're the ones who jump and then think,
The ones who never understand why they say love isn't meant for everybody.
Some of us live to forget, some of us forget to live.
Well there it is, give me some pointers on how I can improve it.
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Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:50 pm
I like this poem. I work in a daycare so I can definately relate to the first part of it. I can also relate to the latter part through experiance.
As far as criticism goes, this isnt really one of those poems that it written to rhyme and be extremely beautiful. It seems to be more of a "making a statement" type of poem where you get your thoughts out in a intelligent but pretty manner. So I cant really give you tips on how to make it better, but I enjoyed reading your thoughts. And thought that the strong point in the last line was a very good ending. ^.^ Keep writing!
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Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 3:56 pm
I strongly agree with Scazarith. This poem is a 'thought' poem that's strait to the point, so to speak. It is perfect, in my opinion, in every way. It actually brought me to tears cuz I personally miss the old days where there were no worries and love wasn't so blinding and full of lies and false hopes.
I can't wait to read more of your work!
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Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:48 pm
Scazarith I like this poem. I work in a daycare so I can definately relate to the first part of it. I can also relate to the latter part through experiance. As far as criticism goes, this isnt really one of those poems that it written to rhyme and be extremely beautiful. It seems to be more of a "making a statement" type of poem where you get your thoughts out in a intelligent but pretty manner. So I cant really give you tips on how to make it better, but I enjoyed reading your thoughts. And thought that the strong point in the last line was a very good ending. ^.^ Keep writing! I'm glad you liked it!
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Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:52 pm
LunarHybrid I strongly agree with Scazarith. This poem is a 'thought' poem that's strait to the point, so to speak. It is perfect, in my opinion, in every way. It actually brought me to tears cuz I personally miss the old days where there were no worries and love wasn't so blinding and full of lies and false hopes.
I can't wait to read more of your work! Thank you! This means so much to me that at least two ppl liked it! I had doubts, don't know why, but I didn't think it was the kind of poem that many ppl would like. I cried when I wrote it. I miss those days so much! That's what brought me to write this poem. I'm actually going to submit two more of my poems. I wrote them in 5th grade, but they seemed pretty popular with the teachers and I won a school contest with one of them.
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Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 2:33 am
Wow this is a very nice poem. The first 6 lines feels so... warmly nostalgic. Oh how I loved those days back in elementary school. I never did believe in cooties, and that's why my best friend was a girl. Reading this poem, I really miss the old days. But time is not a kind friend. It anchors you down in times of dread, and it races you along when you only wish to savor the moment.
I loved the ending section, starting from the line that goes "True love starts seeming..." all the way to the end. When I think about it, it all suddenly seems so true. The last line is absolutely beautiful. Full of simplicity but expresses so much.
I don't really have anything to criticize. I'm a writer in progress to the extreme with a lot to learn. I suppose if I had to criticise something...
You mispelled "making". sweatdrop
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Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 7:28 am
lol i guess i did mispelled that. sweatdrop lol ima look over it now. but thanks! glad you enjoyed it
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