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 Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 1:56 am
Nights of razors pulling across my soul
Took me by surprise, such a tole.
Just for once I'd like to rejoice
In silence, away from the noise.
Your voice echo's in my ears, music
To everyone, a bomb to me, tic tic tic.
Just for once I need to kiss someone
Whom doesn't threaten to run.
The warmth emerging from your body
Does little but burn this heart in me.
Just once I'd like to touch a love radiating
Deep in my heart, instead we are hatting.
Is it possible to love another after such time,
Or will it just repeat again, again, like rhyme?
Just once I wish to believe love is meant
For me, a journey well spent.
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Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 7:04 pm
Hey, Lunar!
Attemting Constructive Criticism.
When a person writes a poem, the goal should be for the reader to read it and not see the words on the page, but see what it is that you're trying to convey in their minds eye. This makes it very important to make sure that you spell check your work. If someone comes across a misspelled word it distracts their thoughts and breaks the rythm or vision you're trying to create for them. (tole = toll & hatting = hating)
With that said, there is only one other thing that I'm not sure about in the poem.
"Nights of razors pulling across my soul... Took me by suprise, such a tole[sic]."
I dont understand the line "Took me by suprise". I'm not saying its wrong, because its your poetry and technically as long as you understand it, then its not wrong, lol. But could you clarify it a little for me?
Other than that I liked it, especially the last two lines. ^.^
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Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 12:17 am
Hiya Scazarith
xd I've never been one for great spelling, although English was my best subject, spelling has always been a weakness. xd
I usually try to write a description of what my poetry is about unless it is obvious, but in this case I was mostly just venting at the time I wrote it and didn't care to explain my writing.
I wasn't talking about physical razors in the first line, but rather emotional razors causing an emotional pain. Which is why the last line of the first stanza said "In silence, away from the noise." I was referring to the "razors" as "words" which cut my soul. If that makes sense.
Mimi
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Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:14 pm
I understood the razors part. I meant the second line where it says "took me by suprise" I wasn't sure what that meant. Sorry I wasn't being very clear redface
English was my best subject as well. Except grammar (dont even know what a preposition is xD) So we all have our faults, I'm just overly picky I guess x.x sorry.
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Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 11:08 pm
Nothing wrong w/ being picky as long as you don't have the "weakest link" way of living. (What I mean is by kicking friends aside cuz they'll "bring you down with them" if they aren't just like you.)
What i meant by "took me by surprise" is that the person I wrote this poem about surprised me by becoming a ruthless idiot and basically beating me up from the inside out. His change happened so suddenly I was shocked by it.
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Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 11:49 pm
Nah i'm like that. Pretty laid back actually ^.^ I'm sorry I hit a on a touchy note in the poem. Sounds pretty bad x.x
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Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 1:40 pm
pst! don't worry bout it xd I'm surprised I'm not over it 100% yet, I dumped him 6 months ago and I've been with a better guy since the break up. wink So don't worry.
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