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 Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 5:31 pm
Although thou's life is full of joy,
Do not forget the penalty
Death has it's costs, and that's live a life
Either painful, happy, sad or lonely, poor , royalty.
Death's Penaly, the toll to die.
You must live once to let death's talons
Take you to the world below.
To live in the realm of humans,torture, a gift?
Depends on where you sit in society.
Society itself, no more than a worthless ranking.
Be aware, life, not a choice.
Live it.
Die out of it.
Enjoy the scenses, live the good life.
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Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:32 am
Fairly good. I think it needs a rhyming scheme. And meter would make it AWESOME. Then it would be 3nodding perfect. 3nodding
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Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 7:22 pm
Hey witch-girl,
I agree with aigis on this one. It might be me being picky but in the first line you used "thou" which left me expecting an old english-esque theme, but you never continued with it. If it were me (and I realize it's not ^.^) I would either drop the "thou" or continue the theme throughout the poem.
Also in the last line, I'm not sure if you were trying to say scenes (as in scenery) or senses (smell, touch, etc.) I imagine you were going for scenes.
Keep writing ^.^ I look forward to more of your work!
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