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SHE By ME

she was an epiphany. in as much as a woman can be. an idea is just an idea. it may lead to other lines of creativity, success or work. but its just one seemingly random moment of possibly connective creativity. sometimes you lump it in with other unrelated ideas, sometimes is stands alone, bright and alone. epiphanies are life-altering, perspecting widening changes that come to you, or grab when you least expect it. at the time it feels unexpected, but in retrospect you realize you were not only open and ready, but begging for this dark shooting star to come streaking across your bright sky. Darkly bright it came. made of a myriad of contrasts, facing one direction, yet traveling in another. a vast pool table o which you only know you're corner, comes this 8-ball hit from the unknown with so much topspin its spinning left, yet going right. it smashes into you transferring some of that force and leaving you. leaving you with one inexorable observation that hadn't ever crossed your mind; there's more to this game,to this world then you ever realized. the immense downside is where it leaves you. no matter where you skitter off to, or force that pulls you, you will always keep one face the direction you last saw that...thing.

She was a bullet to the brain that explodes within you with permission or purpose. she was that amazing idea that came to you in a dream, and you wrote furiously for many sleepless nights to gain all you could out of a moment that took less then 10 min. to dream.

She wasn't just a couple notes from that fit into neatly in a passing scene in the movie of your life. she was a masterpiece unto herself. she was, to me, the greatest song every written. one i wanted to own and be able to make myself. but she was so fast, so beyond me, i'm struggling to remember a one chord while the orchestra played on.

She was e=mc^2, beethoven's 4th,5th,6th, teen spirit, starry night and god's sixth day. but like The Lottery, Fight Club and Christ's earthly life i got the distinct impression the painful end was already written before any of it ever began.

Painful her departure was, the withdrawal was for worse then i ever imagined. a vietnam vet's body can be shot so many times, and then healed. its not the exit wound that kills them in america, its the withdrawal of whatever you valued that you lost in that war. your sanity, your pride, your best friend. its all about if you can deal with the hole. a guy can see an attractive girl. he can log her in his mind. she may be forgotten immediately. he may fantasize about so many things involving her that range from carnal and lustful to moral and meaningful. but all those fantasies have the beginning, the climax and post coital feeling that leaves you wondering whats on TV. It can go a bit deeper. like a song thats stuck in your head all day. to rid yourself of it, simply immerse yourself in it, notice how it can be annoying and pass it along.

My ultimate problem...was what happens when it isn't just an annoying song? what if she isn't just a girl walking by? what do you do when that song isn't the anthem for the day, its your marching tune for a substantial portion of your life? maybe not a lot of years, but your formidable ones. what do you do when its not a cute blonde who smiled and made you remember that moment, but a raven-haired femme fatale, a gem eyed venus who won't let you forget her life?

When you spend most of your life asleep, you spend the rest of your time obsessing about what woke you up.

in all the times dad sat me down and told me about the birds and the bees, THIS topic never came up. in fact i, now, wouldn't even know how to bring it up. i know dad knows. every time the words "one that got away" are said in any circumstance he looks at mother, smiles warmly and looks away, sliding into a world in his head i can see. i see only shapes and vague images, but its all i need to see. you don't need to see heaven and hell in detail to know you're there. a quick glance is enough to send you reeling to or from.

Damn boy! I wish my boyfriend wrote that sort of stuff about me (well except not all love and lost). Very very good.

I think the first paragraph was a little shaky to get into-- but by the part about the bullet to the brain I really, really enjoyed it. It struck me as an intense piece smile good work.