|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 9:14 pm
Okay, so, here's a poem/lyrics thing I wrote a while ago after having the idea floating around in my head for a time. But it's still in the rough draft stage, anybody think that they can help me with this? You know, just revision and critique and stuff?
It's Just What Happens When You Run
Turn, turn, just keep turning.
No one's there, you're on the run.
Burn, burn, your legs, they're burning.
It's just what happens when you run.
Wheels, wheels, wheels are turning.
Inside your head, thoughts are churning.
Years, years, years you're earning,
A life long sentence of imprisonment.
Burn, burn, your lungs, they're burning,
It's just what happens when you run.
Fame, fame, fame is turning,
Your face is recognized wherever you go,
The deaths of innocents are at their toll.
Hey--it's just what happens when you run.
Turn, turn, just keep turning,
They're there! They're there!
They're on your tail!
They're there! They're there!
And, worse yet, they're armed with guns!
Gears, gears, gears are turning,
Thoughts are churning.
Years you're earning.
Legs and lungs, both are burning.
It's just what happens when you run.
Two paths and one decision,
You draw your weapon, they draw theirs.
A shot rings out, loud and clear...
Your heart is burning, burning, burning.
Well, it's just what happens when you run.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 4:23 pm
interesting, you say it's a rough draft, but I wouldn't change too much about it. It's got a fast rythm and it flows really good. It may be rough, but that makes it spicy wink
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 8:30 pm
You think so? I kinda thought that the last four stanza's were kinda choppy... hmm...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 4:00 am
i think it's more like a song text, so the four last stanza don't appear to be chopy if you look like at it like that
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
