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it's back again.
It never really goes away.

I'm probably going to get my a** medicated soon.
I'm not going to tell my parents that I'm worried I'm going full-blown schizophrenic. Just depressed. That's hard enough to say to them as it is, seeing as 1) I don't trust them 2) I don't trust anti-depressants. 3) I'm insane.

My friend who committed suicide in December's little sister added me on facebook and I wasn't sure how to react-- the last time I saw her being at her sister's service at their house.

On Tuesday I got a hug from someone I love dearly who hadn't hugged me in about six and a half months, since he'd gotten a girlfriend after telling me that he loved me. He continued to say so secretly periodically as he dated her. When he hugged me this time, I couldn't feel it. Physical disconnect. I knew my face was pressed into his jacket, but I couldn't even feel it. When I read out loud, the thoughts and words mix up and I can't read. Sections of pages twitch, but the transparent hallucinations haven't happened in a couple months. However, I've only hallucinated the deceased, namely the friend who died in December, and as for auditory hallucinations, i've only had about three.
Nothing negative.
Nothing violent.
Nothing scary.
Just sad.

A lot of this feeling, I think, stems from a lack of touch, something definitely experienced in my life, but the sad part is being unable to physically feel touch this week as it occurs.
The cognitive problems I'm experiencing are the worst part.
I get 3 hours of sleep a night on average because of homework and private meltdowns.
I went 5 days last week with 8 hours of sleep total, no REM sleep.

I'm a mess.
Stressed.
And still not good enough.
Not up to par.
I hate my family.
I hate being the one my friend goes to when he's sobbing so hard he can hardly tell me that his dad's just tried to strangle him and then tried to kill himself and my friend pulling the gun away to threaten to kill himself.

I've been semi-stalked two or three times this year.
I drive friends away by talking about my problems.
I have no drive to get out of bed.

My motivation is a fear of being screamed at and hit.

Sometimes a promise is the only reason I have to stay here.
That has to change.

sad


The smart part of my brain doesn't work good this morning, BUT, it seems to me the best way to get rid of monster under the bed is by not having a space between your bed and the floor. Futon OR put your mattress and box directly on the floor.

I wanted very much to blame my not sleeping, but this week I've been getting more or less 8 hours a night and it's staying the same if not getting worse.

Friday I'm going in for my second wave of the HPV shot and hopefully I'll be able to talk to my doctor about depression then. If I end up on medication and the other part of my problem (the not depression) doesn't clear up, then I'll probably be back there, as much as I don't want to admit to them that I'm seeing s**t even with sleep.

That's what I've always felt is what it is, but of course, dad doesn't believe that s**t at alllll, so now that nothing else is helping I have no idea what to do. My blood pressure is the only thing that's changed. Gotten even lower than before. Well. When school is over, I'll have a lot less stress to deal with, hopefully, and more time to get to the bottom of what's really going on.