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 Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 4:12 pm
* Just a poem dedicated to a few of my guy friends and my ex bf of five years.
Forever is how long you've been there,
Forever is how long you promised,
Eternity was a given,
Eternaly I gave into you...
The closest of lies took forever to mold,
The closest of lies I wished to forever hold.
Friendships truly do die down,
Friends will surly make me drown.
Trust me you repeat on end,
Trust me it's the bitter end
Of a long awaited parting,
Of this forsaken bonding.
Who can I go to?
Who can I trust?
Apparently I'm taken as dumb,
Apparently I'm just easy...
The closest of lies fill the void,
The closest of lies become whispers,
Burning laughter illuminates this heart into charcoal,
Burning my soul, sending it deep into the darkness.
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Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 2:07 pm
Your rhyme scheme seems to be a little shaky after the 2nd stanza. I's sugest at least some assonance to reflect the pattern shown in the first two stanzas. I like the lines
Trust me you repeat on end,
Trust me it's the bitter end
a lot. Nice use of repitition.
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Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 8:49 pm
Wow, I can see the hurt behind those words... Very nice, I expected it to end with fire, after that charcoal line. But it was good... Book is right though it does get a bit shaky. But the emotion makes up for it in my eyes...
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Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 11:49 pm
Yea... Thats one thing that I need to work on... My poetry is led mostly by the heart rather than the mind. A lot of people like my work for the emotion and that is the reason I usually try not to rhyme cuz it then makes my work off balance. I only have a few good rhyming poems (Hybrid - No More, Silence, Forgotten Isis, and something else.)
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