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 Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 7:04 pm
This is brilliant. Give a shot at reading this. @_@ You'll be laughing your head off even harder if you know the characters. Toon does not own this FanFiction or DGM, the Author doesn't own DGM either, they only own this fic. Lucky them. D< This is still in progress by the way. ^^ Visit the Author and congrat them on their sheer brilliance here, were the story is being made. -------------------------------
“Hey there, Officer Kanda! Feelin’ a little lucky today?”
Yuu Kanda glared at the vendor in the street. “Do you want to get arrested, crackpot?” he snarled. The vendor cowered and shut his mouth, bending down to hide under his stall. Kanda sneered and kept walking, twirling his lethal baton with his fingers.
Soon, he saw children playing in the middle of the street.
“I hate children…” he hissed, slowly stalking up to them.
One boy looked up. “Hey guys, it’s Officer Kanda!” he shouted. “Let’s get out of here!”
All the kids screamed in agreement and ran away to the other side of the street. Kanda’s eye twitched and he gave chase, swinging his baton about.
“Goddammit!” he growled. “Get back here so I can read you your rights!” All the kids had evacuated to the other side of the street by this point, and the long-haired police officer stopped immediately, watching a semi-truck speed down the road where the kids were just playing. “Oh for God’s sake…”
“Timmy!” a hysterical woman cried as she ran out across the street. “Where are you Timmy?! Please don’t tell me you got run over!” She broke down on the ground, sobbing and kissing the concrete. “I never got to tell you that daddy was never coming back, because I’m a cheating whore!”
“Uh, mom?” the boy from before said cautiously. “I’m right here.”
“Oh, Timmy!” the lady bawled, grabbing her son and hugging him tightly. “I thought you had died!”
“No, we saw that crazy officer Kanda and ran away!” Timmy explained. “I guess he was trying to warn us about that semi instead of trying to arrest us like always!”
“Wow, that officer is the nicest cop ever!”
“The HELL I am!” Kanda roared. “I was trying to get those kids in jail for violating the rule of ‘No playing in the streets’!”
“D’awww…he even teaches life lessons!”
“Hey! Are you listening to me over here?! I ******** HATE kids!”
“Man, dig that craaaazy cop!”
And everyone laughed, making Kanda clench his baton and wield it threateningly.
“You’re all lucky that I can’t arrest all of you!” he hissed, and he stalked away.
“Wait!” one little girl called. All the prior children crowded about in front of Kanda, making the Japanese cop step back in horror. “We just wanted to say we love you, Officer Kanda!”
“You’re the best cop ever!” one boy piped up.
Kanda scowled. “You’re damn right I’m the best cop ever, and I don’t need some snot-nosed brat to tell me. Now, outta my way!”
“But…we love you!” And all the children started hugging the poor man, making him get angrier than usual.
“Get offa me!” he snarled, kicking his legs out from underneath the children’s arms. “I said I hate children!”
“Isn’t that so cute?” some women cooed. “He’s trying to not show any of his overwhelming love for children!”
“I don’t HAVE any love for children, goddammit!” Kanda screeched, kicking the last child off his legs and running away for his cruiser. The children shared secret high-fives.
Once he reached his dull police car, he revved it up immediately and took off towards the one place he always got a kick out of terrorizing.
The Millennium Train Station.
Kicking open the door, Kanda stepped out and straightened his police uniform, an evil smirk settling on his face.
Sauntering about the train station, he took great pleasure in the frightened looks everyone gave him, and all was right in the world.
And then he saw a shock of white hair in his peripheral vision, standing at the entrance.
“Hel-lo…” he purred. “New meat…”
Stalking up to the white-haired person, fingering his handcuffs, Kanda fixed his face into its normal scowl.
And then the person fell over.
Everybody watched the body carefully, as if hoping it would get right back up and dust off its clothing.
And then a woman screamed.
And everyone started panicking.
“Oh my FRICKIN’ God he’s dead!” a teenaged girl screamed on her pink cellphone.
The cellphone was on speaker. “For real?! Is he still alive?!”
Throughout the chaos and commotion, Kanda stepped up to the body.
“Hey!” he yelled, trying to get everyone’s attention. “HEY!”
He pulled out his gun and fired a shot in the air.
Everyone stopped.
“Thank you.” The Japanese cop said calmly. “Now, I can tell you if he’s dead!”
“He’s lyin’!” someone yelled in the crowd, making everyone prepare to panic.
“I’m not ******** lying!” Kanda roared. “It’s okay, I’m a police officer!” He bend down on one knee and grabbed the (seemingly) young man’s pale hand. It was very limp. He dropped it back to the ground, where it fell. Limply.
“Okay, he’s dead.”
“No I’m not!”
The entire congregation gasped at the white-haired man, who stood up and brushed off his clothes in irritation.
“Just because someone falls down for no reason and doesn’t breathe nor show any signs of a pulse doesn’t mean they’re dead!” he snapped.
Kanda snorted. “Oh, and so I was supposed to think ‘he’s so alive and healthy that I guess he must be ALIVE’?” he retorted. The Japanese cop pulled out his handcuffs. “You’re going downtown, a*****e.”
“What?” the white-haired man demanded as Kanda snapped the cuffs on his wrists. “Why?!”
“For disobeying an officer and false allusions.” Kanda replied. “Now start walking.”
--
“Allen Walker?”
The white-haired man looked up from scratching a 1 on the stone wall. “That’s me,” he said. The barred door opened.
“You’re free to go,” the police officer said in a thick Australian accent.
“But I’ve only been here three minutes!”
“More than enough time for your offense.” The guard said. “Now, get outta here before Kanda gets back on the prowl.”
He didn’t need to tell Allen twice.
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Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 7:05 pm
TWO: Coconut Cocaine
“One black coffee, please.”
The flamboyantly dressed dark-skinned man with pink dreadlocks on the other side of the counter smiled at Allen. His nametag gleamed, stating the name ‘Jerry’.
“Would you like anything else, sweetcakes?”
“Every single pastry you have in that glass box right there.” Allen replied, rifling through his wallet.
Jerry faltered. “Are you sure about that? They pack a lot of calories, and I doubt you want to mess up your sexy figure.”
“It’s part of my medication.” Allen replied, pulling out a thin sheet of paper victoriously. He handed it to Jerry, who took it with a look of suspicion.
“Your medication?” he wondered. “It says here… ‘Allen Walker is very, very, very sick and needs to eat lots of sweet and calorie packed foods. Because he is very sick and will die if he doesn’t get the food. And it will be all your fault. Feed him. Now.’” He squinted his eyes at the smaller print. “’Any and all food eaten will be paid in full by the medical insurance company.’ Oh, well that’s okay then!” He started stuffing all the pastries into a paper bag, handing it to Allen when he was done, along with the coffee.
“Here you go, you poor, disabled sweetheart.” Jerry cooed, blowing a kiss at the white-haired teen.
Allen smiled. “Thanks Jerry, I’ll be sure to tell my doctor how you let me live a little longer,” he said, pulling a donut out the bag and stuffing it into his mouth with one bite.
“Oh, you’ll make me cry, sweetcakes!” the Indian man cried. “Go, I’ll refill your prescription tomorrow!”
“Thanks Jerry.”
And he walked out the café, smiling evilly.
“Sucker,” he purred, chomping a cookie happily. He did not notice the black-haired cop that walked into the café after he left, nor did the cop notice him.
“WHAT THE ******** DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE OUT OF DONUTS?!” an angry scream came from the café moments later. Allen shook his head.
“Poor guy.”
He closed his eyes in joy as he bit into a jelly-filled pastry, not exactly watching where he was going.
“Oof!” a deep voice grunted as Allen walked right into a tall stranger’s chest.
“Sorry about that,” the white-haired teenager said, looking up into a single green eye.
The stranger grinned at him, running his fingers through his bright red hair. “No problem, man!” he replied happily. There was something very suspicious about this guy, but Allen just couldn’t put his finger on it. “I’m pretty glad you bumped into me anyway, shortstuff.”
“Right, well, I’ll be going then,” said Allen.
“NO! I mean, no, I have something you might like!” the redhead grabbed his wrist and gently tugged him in the direction of an innocent looking booth in the entrance of an alley.
“Do I know you?” the scarred college student asked slowly. “I mean, you could be a drug dealer for all I know.”
The stranger let out a slightly high-pitched laugh. “Drug dealer?” he asked. “Me? Oh, you crack me up! But, I’m Lavi, and I’m totally not a drug dealer.”
Allen stared at him oddly. “Are you sure? You’re really freaking me out right about now.”
“Would a drug dealer sell these?” Lavi pulled out a thick briefcase, popping it open with a smirk. Inside the briefcase were rows and stacks of delicious looking candy. Oddly colored, but delicious-looking.
“Wow…” Allen gasped. He reached out to touch a lollipop, but Lavi smacked his hand away.
“You gotta buy it first, man.” The redhead chastised. “It’s all very special. I use a special ingredient in each sweet, making it so addictive you’ll always come back for more.”
“Sounds like drugs to me.” Allen commented. “In fact, all the candy looks oddly like various antidepressants, dopamine drugs, and mind stimulants. That green one is colored like marijuana!”
Lavi’s one eye that wasn’t covered by the eyepatch darted around carefully. “No, it, uh, it isn’t made of drugs,” he answered slowly. “I swear.”
The white-haired teen glanced at the candy once more. “All right, if you say so. I’ll take one—“
“It’s drugs that look like candy!” Lavi blurted. Allen stared at him in unveiled horror. “I mean, its candy that look like drugs! See, that’s what always get them to try one!”
“Um, all right?” Allen pointed at an unnaturally white lollipop. “What flavor is that?”
“Coconut Cocaine.” The redhead drug/candy dealer answered.
“Uh huh. And that one?”
“Watermelon Meth.”
“That one?”
“Hass Heroine.”
“And what about that one?”
“Cranberry Crack.”
“But it’s white. Shouldn’t it be red?”
Lavi rolled his eye. “Food coloring. Duh.” It must’ve been the most obvious answer ever.
Allen frowned. “Right. Well, what about that green one that looks like marijuana?”
“Melon Marijuana, of course.”
“I’ll take the Melon Marijuana.”
The redhead plucked the lollipop from the briefcase, shutting it immediately after. “That’ll be twenty dollars.”
“Twenty dollars?”
Lavi smiled. “Well, since it’s your first time, I’ll let you have it for free. You’ll have to pay next time, though,” he said in a sinister manner.
Allen took the lollipop. “What makes you so sure that I’ll be back for more?” he asked suspiciously.
“Trust me, everyone comes back for more.”
“Huh, I’ll remember that.” A gloved hand unwrapped the lollipop, and Allen stuck out his tongue to lick it with a smile.
Then he stopped.
“What now?!” Lavi cried.
Allen looked at him suspiciously. “Are you sure this isn’t a drug that looks like candy?” he asked.
“Positive, now just taste the goddamn weed—I mean, candy. Yeah, candy.”
The white-haired teen shrugged and opened his mouth again, but then a foreboding feeling passed throughout his body. Lavi watched in shock as Allen dropped the candy.
“Oh dear.”
And he fell over, face hitting the sidewalk.
Lavi’s eye twitched and he looked to the side only to see the ever-angry officer Kanda.
This could be entertaining.
“Hey Copper!” he greeted, grinning happily. Kanda grunted at him, not looking at the ground. “Oh, I’d watch where I was going if I were you.”
Kanda glared. “You aren’t me, so shut the ******** up, crackhead,” he snarled.
And then he tripped over Allen’s comatose body. He face planted the ground, a thin stream of blood slipping through his nose.
The white haired college student blearily opened his eyes, grimacing at the weight on top of his legs.
“Did I gain weight during this spell or something?” he grumbled, trying to sit up. He looked down at his jean-clad legs and saw the long body of a police officer sprawled over them. The tell-tale black ponytail was all Allen needed to see to know that this cop would not react well.
He tried to subtly move his legs out from under the man, but a grumpy voice stopped him.
“Move any more and I’ll snap my handcuffs on you so fast you’ll think I was a stripper at a bachelorette party.” The cop rumbled.
Lavi pulled out a Coconut Cocaine lollipop. “That’d be pretty hot,” he muttered, sticking the sucker in his mouth. He smiled dopily.
Allen was very scared. “I’m, uh, sorry?” he whimpered.
“That voice…it sounds oddly familiar…” the cop grumbled. He slowly began to sit up, removing his legs on the younger man. He turned and saw the teenager, eyes widening in anger. “You’re that troublemaker that refuses to die!” he snapped, blood dripping down his chin.
“Hey!” Allen protested weakly. “I just have a health condition!”
“Tell it to the judge, ********. You’re goin’ downtown!”
“The hell I am!” the white-haired teen retorted, scrambling off the ground and running away down the sidewalk. Kanda snarled and jumped up, giving chase.
“Get back here!” he roared, swinging his baton about. “I can’t arrest you if you’re far away from me!”
“And that’s just the way I’d like to keep it!” Allen replied frightfully.
“STOP RUNNING!”
“NEVER!”
Lavi turned his head to watch the two run down the street, lollipop in his mouth all the while.
He sighed.
“There goes a coulda-been customer.”
END 2
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