Warning: This is very weird, and probably rather dull.
This is actually meant to have been written by an OC of mine, but I tried to keep anything really specific out of it, so hopefully it's just general companion... hopefully.
Anyway, basically it's her advice for future companions of the Doctor, left somewhere she thinks they'll find it.
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Hello there.
There seems little point in telling you my name. Either you’ve met me already, and I directed you towards this list, or you haven’t, and you found it on your own, in which case you’ll probably never meet me.
If you’ve met me already - hi again. I see you found it alright.
If you haven’t - I used to travel with the Doctor, like what you do.
Either way, there’s some things you should know:
About the Doctor:
1. He rarely carries money. You may well end up paying for things. If your money’s no good, the barter system can be very useful. Things from earth are often quite unusual in the future.
2. If he avoids answering a question every time you ask it, it’s best to give up. Either he really doesn’t want to tell you, or he doesn’t know.
3. He does have a bedroom. I’ve seen it (not in that way, you perv), but he hardly ever sleeps, so you won’t find him there. As such you don’t really need to know where it is (if you must know - leave this room, turn left, then right, then right again, and keep going straight on. It’s down there somewhere, I don’t remember exactly where).
4. He’s not human. Remember this. There are differences. You will notice them.
5. You won’t find out his real name. I don’t know it. I’ve never met anyone who knows it. I doubt you’ll ever meet anyone who does.
6. The Doctor doesn’t know anything. But he thinks he does.
Things he knows little or nothing about:
• Teenagers.
• Human emotions.
• Woman’s clothes.
• Sometimes any clothes, actually. His fashion sense varies.
• Some sports (not all, though - he’s very up on cricket, for example).
• Interior design. The Tardis has little furtniture that actually matches.
There may be others. That’s all I can think of.
About food:
7. Anything that can only be obtained in one specific place should be made to last. The Tardis isn’t accurate for you to be able to rely on getting it again.
8. You’ll find you don’t actually eat in the Tardis much. As such, when you do, you mind find there’s not much to eat. It’s easy to forget to buy stuff. In emergencies, there’s a food machine thing near the kitchen. It doesn’t taste of much, though (the food, not the machine).
9. If you’re not sure whether or not it’s safe to eat something, ask the Doctor. If he’s not there, look and see if any other humans (or whatever your species happens to be) are eating it. If there aren’t any, don’t chance it. Being ill is bad enough when you’re at home. Being ill in the Tardis is even worse.
10. The Doctor can go rather longer without food than you can, and he sometimes forgets this. He may not realise that you’re getting hungry if you don’t say anything.
About the Tardis:
11. Like I said, it’s not very accurate. Don’t rely on getting exactly where you want to go.
12. Don’t wander too far in on your own. It’s big and confusing. You will get lost.
13. Time is a little hard to measure. Don’t try and keep up with the date - it just gets confusing if your calender says June, but you’ve just arrived in December. If you must, count the days.
14. It really is alive. Note the coral. It’s alive, and intelligent enough that you can piss it off. I wouldn’t suggest that you try to do this. It’s harder to get lost if the Tardis likes you. Life is much easier if you’re on it’s good side - if it decides it doesn’t like you, the Doctor won’t be very sympathetic.
15. Bringing your own clothes on board isn’t as essential as you may think. The Tardis wardrobe is very extensive, and that way you’re much less likely to stand out. However, I’d suggest you bring your own underwear. There is some (there’s a rather disturbingly large amount of lingerie), but you never know where it’s been.
About regeneration:
16. Like I said, he’s not human. If you don’t know what it is: when he’s dying, he’ll change into another person. Literally. He’ll be very, very different.
17. It may go wrong. I gather from talking to him and to various other people that it usually does. Don’t panic. Chances are he’ll recover.
18. If you like the old Doctor better, don’t tell him. He’ll get all offended.
About travelling companions:
19. Try to get along with them. They’re not going anywhere any time soon. If you’ve met me you’ll probably point out that this is a very hypocritical thing to say. My response - I know, I know. But just because I do something doesn’t mean you should do it too, okay?
20. On Tardis romances (by which I mean romances inside the Tardis, not romances with the Tardis) - I think they make him a little uncomfortable. Don’t flaunt it. But this may vary from Doctor to Doctor.
About time travel:
21. Historical figures might not be quite what you expect. The ones you like may turn out to be total bitches, and the ones you don’t like may be surprisingly nice.
22. Thinking about time travel too much and in great detail may result in headaches. It’s always now, wherever and whenever you go.
23. You really can’t change history. It’s not just a rule. It’s a law of physics. I’m told trying can have dire consequences.
24. You may end up meeting a past or future incarnation of the Doctor. They interact rather strangely. Just try and remember that they’re not quite the same person.
About travel in general:
25. You’ll get used to being about to die. The Doctor will usually save you. Remember this, but don’t rely on it - there have been exceptions. Try not to be one.
26. On aliens who look exactly like humans - there are rather a lot of these. The Doctor is one. There are others. Don’t question it. Just tell yourself that they’re probably related to humans somehow, or if they can’t be - convergent evolution, alright?
27. One aliens who look very different from humans - they’re still people. Mostly. It’s best to be a little wary, but then again, it’s best to be a little wary of everyone you meet. A hint - if they’re shaped kind of like a pepper pot and seem to have a sink plunger attached to them, or are silver with weird bars coming out the sides of their heads - be very, very wary. It’s unlikely they’ll be friendly.
28. Chances are you will get very, very confused at times, by science or culture or both.
• On science - Just go with it. They know what they’re doing.
• On culture - Just go with it. It works for them.
29. On names - They change over time. It may sound weird to you, but chances are it’s normal to them.
30. The universe is full of strange and illogical things. Yes, it’s possible for *insert apparently impossible thing here* to happen. Don’t claim it isn’t, especially not when it’s standing right in front of you, okay?
And so concludes my list. I hope it’s helpful. Please leave it where I left it so other people can find it, and don’t tell the Doctor - he doesn’t know I wrote this, and he might not like it.
Bye. Have fun!
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