Ingvanya's Journal

[Ingvanya]

I got 'let go' from my job last friday. But I had this feeling that I would,strangely enough.Like a premonition.Anyway,I know why, too.Its competitive and I'm not.In a nutshell.So right now I'm looking for a new one.
I'm not living at home (I'm living with a friend of the family) right now, and I feel really restless, like I don't belong anywhere and I just want to keep moving.I don't want to stay in one place too long. I end up hating it and feeling boxed in.More than anything else though, I know I'm running from the people I know.Even here, with supposed friends and other people I know, I just want to leave.I don't know what do about it, or where to go.
And I DON'T want to study. I don't want to wait. I just want to write and sing, but I keep thinking its not possible because everyone I know says its not. They never tell me that i CAN do it, which is all i want to hear.Its stupid, but to me, its as if by saying it can't, by disbelieving, it makes it so. And when they say that I get mad and want to prove them wrong. I almost do, but I don't in the end.I'm so retarded like that.Whats wrong with me?I should just DO IT, right?  

[Ingvanya]

I got a part time job at a dollar store.I love it because its so easy and laid back, but the pay sucks.I hope they see fit to raise my wages, and sooner not later.
I did mystery shopping this week.I really thought the website was a scam, so I just took the free service that doesn't let you search for jobs, just lets people call you if they need you.I just need to finish the second report, then we'll see if it pays for real, or was a scam in the end.But I didn't lose either way, because I bought something but returned it at a full refund.
I hope i get a second part time job, tho.
Also, I suddenly started being satisfied with my life for the first time ever.Like, life just is, and I'm cool with that....finally.lol.  

[Ingvanya]

Yeah.So much for my optimism.I seem to have crap luck.Or at least right now.I suppose i'm just peeved because i'm not getting paid today, so i can't afford the nice black shirts i need for my new job, and i don't own any, and i don't know anyone that has black shirts i could borrow from.bloody hell.And i'm starting to hate my dollar store job for various reason that i don't care to mention.At least i'm going out again on saturday, but i'll probably be exhausted then and the next day when i start work in a second part-time job.but i'd rather go out and be tired then not go out at all, as i've been waiting for this for a long time.I feel like i'm everybody's b***h right now, and that really sucks, but what can i do?(pardon the language in this post, i promise my swearing will never get worse than this.) scream  

[Ingvanya]

life is life, but sometimes i feel like my life's on crack.I hung up on my dad last night.thats the second time since i've moved out.the stupid thing is i couldn't tell him why i was mad, or what i wanted to hear from him.he's always rationalizing.but thats not what i need.i'm girl, for frak's sake, and i just need some comfort sometimes, not being told that i should be tougher.aren't i tough enough already?i hate being treated like :so, what?deal with it.even (and especially) when its too much.I hate to say it, but thats why my calls home have been less and less frequent.i feel like i'm becoming a hermit.mabe i already am.i just work my beeping pants off.thats all i do.
And i really wish people would stop telling me what to do with my money.its mine, not theirs.certain unnamed people always make stupid comments if i happen to accidentally say something about going to see a movie or something.i saw one movie and i was treated like i spend money by the bucketful and i don't pay my rent.but I DO.mind your own beeswax.i usually never mention money because of this, but sometimes....
oh well, but i hope i save enough to head back for my friend Debbie's wedding.thats one thing i'm actually looking forward to.i should be able to save enough and get my vacation time by then.

 

[Ingvanya]

I currently feel like a flake who is walking a fine line.lol.I'm trying to (finally) get into this whole singing 'thing'.I have no clue what to do first.I have no money to do lessons, even just one, to see if i have potential or not.I have a thousand reasons (or excuses, if you like) for not doing it, really doing it, and only one real reason for doing it for real: I love it.I get frustrated when I can't sing.Which is often.I can never seem to swallow my fear properly and just do it.Why am I afraid of it? Is it fear of failure? Or success?
I'm thinking that maybe I just have to ease into it.I'm so used to living a half-baked life, not really EVER doing what I want.I will study to a teacher, but thats somewhere between my 5th and 10th choice for a career.I should stop doing the SAFE things, and just do what I really want to, that I'm afraid to. I keep feeling like just conceding to living a half-baked life.But I don't want to really, so why can't I stop being afraid.
I think I need more real friends.My life irl doesn't have many, if any at all, i hate to admit.
I wrote a lot of my story, on the other hand.I'm up to about 19/30 (I have to submit at least 30 pages into a literary agent, which I will when I'm done.).Yay me on that front, anyway.  

[Ingvanya]

I forgot to mention that I lost my dollar store job.That one was just bad luck, and not my fault at all.They only have four employees and my manager wanted to get in someone with more experience in managing, and she did.So she cut me, as i had the least.(And was therefore more expendable.)That was about a month to a month and a half ago.About a week and a half ago, I lost the other job I had, at a department store.Apparently I ask too many questions to the other staff. I hate work.I can never find anything that suits me.I am not salesperson material.I like helping people and cleaning stuff, but I hate pushing stuff on people.Like, we had to push credit cards on people.But I'm not very insistent.My manager tried to 'show me' how its done, and I could tell that the customer was as annoyed and uncomfortable as I was (It was obvious.).Sorry, no thanks. Crisu.And now I need to get another job.Freakers.I wish I could just go home and mooch.I am soo... poor.*Le sob* Why can't I just win the freaking lottery,or something?If only, right?Lol.  

[Ingvanya]

I quit school mid semester. I realize I wasn't doing it for me.I've never been comfortable with school, but thought it was my only option.So now I'm writing, looking for a band/practicing my singing, and looking for a temporary job to tide me over.I feel like I'm finally taking charge of my life.No guy yet tho.Lol. If it were all about dating, I kno I'd have had many...or at least one...by now.But I get an arranged marriage...but its not bad because my parents will only pick who I agree to.So its more like a serious dating thing.Serious in that I'm looking for a 'permanent' man.