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How To Help A Friend With A Drinking Problem

If you think a friend has a drinking problem, you may want to confront the problem, offer support, and get involved in some sensitive discussions or situations. You can help. Don't step back believing it's none of your business. Excessive drinking and drinking problems can be harmful to the drinker and the people around him or her. Many people with drinking problems say that talking with their friends helped them to seek professional help again or gain better control of their drinking habits.


Talk to Your Friend About the Problem

- If you care, show your concern. Don't be too polite to bring up the topic, but be tactful. Ask whether your friend feels he/she has a drinking problem, and continue asking questions that encourage frankness.

- Avoid blaming, sermons, lectures, and verbal attacks.

- Keep an open mind about how your friend evaluates his or her situation. And know your own limits - don't continue the discussion if you start getting impatient or angry. You may find that short, periodic discussions work best.

Once you have raised the subject, your friend may respond defensively, deny having a problem, or agree that he/she has a problem with alcohol.


Dealing With Defensiveness
Make it clear to your friend that you dislike the behavior, not him or her. If you drink, be honest about your own drinking and attempts to control it. Understand that your friend's defensiveness is beased on a fear of facing the problem, and it isn't directed at you.


Dealing With Denial
If your discussions have no effect on your friend's drinking behavior, you should say how the drinking problem affects you. For example, you can say how hard it is for you to enjoy going out together because you are afraid your friend will get sick, pass out, or otherwise embarrass you both.


Dealing With Agreement
If at some point your friend agrees that drinking is creating personal problems, you may want to ask:

1) What is it about your drinking that causes you problems?
2) What do you think you can do about it?
3) What are you going to do about it?
4) What kind of support do you need from me to stop or limit your drinking?

You may also want to have some referrals ready, such as a campus or local discussion group or counselling service.


Drinking Habits
Below is a general list of the drinking behaviors of moderate and problem drinkers and alcoholics. It is not necessary for a person to have every behavior to fit into a category, and your friend may have some behaviors that are not listed. However, this list can give you an idea of whether your friend has a problem and how severe it is.

Moderate Drinkers Typically:
- Drink slowly (no fast gulping).
- Know when to stop drinking (do not drink to get drunk).
- Eat before or while drinking.
- Never drive after drinking.
- Respect non-drinkers.
- Know and obey laws related to drinking.

Problem Drinkers Typically:
- Frequently drink to get drunk.
- Try to "solve" problems by drinking.
- Experience personality changes - may become loud, angry, or violent, OR, silent, remote, or reclusive.
- Drink when they should not - before driving or going to class or work.
- Cause other problems - harm themselves, family, friends, and strangers.

People Addicted to Alcohol Typically:
- Spend a lot of time thinking about drinking and planning where and when to get the next drink.
- Keep bottles hidden for quick pick-me-ups.
- Start drinking without conscious planning and lose awareness of the amount consumed.
- Deny drinking.
- Often drink alone.
- Feel the need to drink before facing a stressful situation.
- May have "blackouts" - cannot remember what they did while drinking, although they may have appeared "normal" to people at the time.
- Miss work or skip class as a result of hangovers or choosing to drink.
- Go from having hangovers to more dangerous withdrawal syptoms, such as delirium tremens ("DT's"), which can be fatal.
- Have or cause major problems - with the police, an employer, family or friends.


Setting Limits
Until your friend decides to face the facts, you may need to set limits on what you will do with or for him/her. Let your friend know what the limits are and stick to them.

For example, you might tell your friend that you are not going to give him/her attention during or after drinking, that you don't want any drinking in your room or apartment, and that you don't want him/her showing up to see you after drinking.

- Knowing and sticking to your limits is especially important if your friend is denying a drinking problem and wants you to accept excuses or make exceptions for poor behavior. If you have had a drinking problem and attend meetings, consider inviting your friend alone.

- Don't be manipulated into hiding or dumping alcohol, or covering for your friend in front of family, dates, or other friends. Protecting or lying for him/her will not work. Instead, it enables your friend to continue inappropriate or destructive behavior.

- While it is important to be sensitive to what your friend needs to control the problem, you must remember that you can't control your friend's life. At some point, your responsibility ends. Don't feel guilty if you reach that point.


Progress, Not Perfection
In some cases, even though your friend agrees that there is a problem, he/she may be unable to unwilling to act as quickly or directly as you would like. Keep in mind that alcohol-related habits are hard to end or control. If your friend is struggling, try to:

- Remain supportive by recognizing the effort your friend puts into even small attempts to limit drinking.

- Be prepared for some steps backward as well as forward.

- Help your friend make contact with other recovering problem drinks.

- Encourage non-drinking behavior by planning activities not related to drinking, and by limiting your own drinking when you are with your friend.

Helping a friend with a drinking problem is not easy, but it is very important! Know that you are not alone and use resources on your campus or in your community to help your friend and be sure to take care of yourself in the process.


For More Information

- Alcoholics Anonymous

- Al-Anon/Alateen (for family members and friends)
(88 cool 4AL-ANON (425-2666)

- National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Dependence
24/7 Hotline, English and Spanish: (800) 729 - 6686

- National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence
(212) 269 - 7797
24/7 referrals: (800) NCA - CALL (622 - 2255)


American College Health Association
P.O. Box 28937
Baltimore, MD
21240-8937

www.acha.org
(410) 859 - 1500