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 Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 12:00 pm
'What do you say to a dreamer who wakes?'
It's a simple thing to teach a child of the world as it grows, but what if it was never a child to begin with? How do you teach someone of the world when they have been asleep and growing, dreaming of a world so different then the one it sees when it finally wakes. How do you explain all the evils and wrongs of a dreamer with out hurting its very soul.
This is the kept log of Aoi, and maybe you will be the one to teach a dreamer to fly, or will you teach him to fall?
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Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 12:48 pm
'To start'
I will write the best I can, but my memory of when I first was born is blurred, fine lines molding into another to make a picture stranger then the mind can pick apart. Still, I think I can best say what happened as it happened to me, but maybe I'm wrong.
When first my clam opened I was alone, no parent was waiting to hold me when I cried from a fall, or cried in fear at some strange thing I had seen. I remember looking at myself and seeing I was far from a kit, I recall thinking maybe my family did not want me because I did not open fast enough. What ever the cause I came out on my own, and sought to learn things by myself.
I first saw many otters, each one talking to each other happily talking back and forth. At first I had been scared, not sure if I belonged there or not, but with curiosity of a new born I walked toward them, a female with her stomach large was the first I saw but she was quick to anger and snapped at me making a fear tinge me still. I saw another otter covered in blood and the smell of it made me run and thinking only of running I hid behind a winged otter next to the heavy female. The female otter did not like me and I never learned her name, but the males name I learned but forgot, a nice enough otter who was kind a patient through my babbling. After that I found a funny smelling otter, the smell of salt on him could burn even a sea otters nose, but he was funny and witty, barbing at another that looked like him and he two was with a female. The words spoken between them I shall not repeat as they were not for my young mind to get a hold of.
Soon an older otter came; he smiled and was kind and careful not to scare me, even as I touched his wings without the thought to ask him. I spoke to him and he scolded the salty otter for his words making the other laugh and barb at him using the name father that confused me into asking its meaning. I have long forgot what he said, I long for get there names as well for our meeting was so short. Still I remember when he stopped smiling; his two colored eyes looked so pain that I felt it. I asked him if I might have a job, and I got one to help take care of him. Of coarse it was foolish thing to take on when I was so young in mind, but like a dancing fool I jumped over a trip string without even seeing it there. Many as where the fool goes when he leaves, but the fool never answers saying only where the fool goes. I will never get that I think, for it is only the fools who know its answer and there not saying.
A day later I saw the male otter again, the one with bright blond hair and fur, but that day he held something as if afraid it would break and after questing after it he let me see a small but bright orange clam nestle between his forepaws. I laid down and watched it for awhile before falling asleep and when I woke I went off to look for the one they called Father, but I never found him and so went searching else where for the answers to my questions, questions I wish now I never asked. Some times I feel hurt that I never found Father again, but other times I felt foolish as I had no ties to him or any other there to call on. In my young mind I thought I was unwanted or at least unneeded, so I left; left to go and look through the world for the answers of my questions and questions to answers.
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Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 1:27 pm
'Keep it up'
What makes someone seek out answers, what makes it so hard to just accept things as they are? Through all my life I sought answers to things I did not know the questions to, but still I think I made a dent in the things I wanted to learn, but there are finer things to learn that none can teach me, such as simple things others take for granted. I was never taught how to curl up with another to stay warm, or how to get help to clean a wound you can’t reach. Many do this normally and without thought, but I had no parents to show me these things, and none with the patience to teach me either. My first fish I ate was one that I found stuck in a rock pool, but after that I went hungry for such a long time you could see my rubs through my fur. I learned the hard way of everything, how I envy those who have parents, and how I hate those that shun them.
After leaving I walked a long while searching for strange new things and learning that I could not eat the red and black spiked things on the leaves as the squirmy things made me sick. I learned how to not jump on rocks if your not sure there stuck in place, and I learned that the creature I saw at home was not one you should be around. Those long teeth things called themselves wolves and it was on my fourth day that I found one drinking. I should have ran or hid but instead I happily bounded up next to it and started drinking myself, maybe it was because it was so shocked that an otter went right to it, but the wolf for awhile only watched me until I stopped drinking and it started to growl. Those long teeth were barred at and when it lunged I knew fear and ran. I was luck the river was so deep in the middle, the one thing I did know was that otters could swim very well and I could only hope the big teeth thing could not.
It took an hour for it to leave growling all the way, in that time I had to surface to breathe and that’s when it tried to get me but in the water I was fast even with my wings. After it left I got out only to feel how heavy my wings had become and so wet that I could not keep them folded to my back. Try as I might I could not move them so I sat and waited for the sun to dry them out and it seemed to take for ever as the sun dipped away and left night in its wake. I was scared to sleep there but I was tired and my wings still to heavy to move and so under the watchful eye of the moon I slept.
As I woke I noticed a few things very quickly, one my wings were dry, and two some one was standing on them holding me to the ground. I was so far from home and even if I weren't who would I call? A black otter stood over me, it paws pressing down on my wings cruelly and when it saw I was awake it smiled showing sharp teeth used to eat fish and break bones. When it spoke I knew it' was a she and she was angry. She started asking why I was in her territory and I had no answer, I never knew what that was or that I should have smelled for other otters, but I could not change that, not as sharp claws pressed into my small wings painfully as I did not answer. I seemed to anger her quickly and I got a swift bite to the side of my neck making me scream and struggle only to get another bite to my muzzle only she held on putting her mouth over my nose making me unable to breath.
This was worse then the fear of the big teeth thing, I felt my heart beating wildly and my lungs burn for air I could not get, but just as I saw black edges around my eyes I saw the wolf running full blown toward us and quick as a lightning strike its jaws was around the female otter until I heard a snap and a squeal from her. I knew she was dead and I was glad but I did not think any more simply ran as fast as I could while the wolf was busy with its meal. Only after I was miles away did I stop and rest, letting my thoughts attack me harshly like a hammer to my heart. I was so glad the wolf had attacked the female otter, so glad she was dead and I was not, and I cried then, cried for how much I was glad she died, and cried because she died at all. After I had no more tears I started walking again, lost in which way I was going, to far from the river to go and follow it to the pond back home.
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Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 2:02 pm
'No more'It’s hard to no what will happen to you as you grow up, hard to tell if you will be killed for food or game, even killed just because you were there. Maybe to others this was normal, an everyday thing that picked between the strong and the weak just because it could. In my mind I saw no need to kill, a fish did not speak, did not really live yet to it its life was just as ours. Maybe I think to much in this, maybe the fish do not think at all simply do, it is not me or anyone but the fish to saw that. I wish now I had stayed home, wished I could have kept the little light I seemed to hold so brightly to my heart.
Now that I was lost I just walked any where that meet my fancy, one day I came across a huge rocky place with lots of holes and niches. This place was fun to play around, daring myself to jump place too place. All day I played there, untroubled was my thoughts again as if I never got attacked, and never was glad another died. As the light slunk down I found a look place to go to sleep, and a dreamed of again the dream of a world I saw while still sleeping in my clam. It was such a bright and happy place, and now that I knew of the wolf it was added to the dream, dancing around and playing with all sorts of otters. As the dream kept on the sun slowly rose and soon I did as well and again I made another day of playing at the rock face. I should have learned from the first time I got attacked but I didn't and I paid for it, but for three more days I played about, no trouble ever touched me as I played but when I went to sleep and woke again to another day, trouble did more then touch me.
I saw a strange creature stalking around, smaller then the big teeth thing and it seemed faster. The creature had no tail I saw, and I knew it was a he by the funny smell as it approached. The thing was like a weasel I had came across, but it was bigger and larger and its yellow eyes locked on me and I felt my hackles raise. Before I thought of it I ran, as I was smaller I went through places it couldn't but I didn't know I was playing in its home. I ran on heedless of the strong smell I was nearing. Each step brought me closer to the no tailed creatures home until I saw two more of the creatures spring at me, smaller then the first but still bigger then me. I tried to run farther but I couldn't turn fast enough to escape those sharp claws that hooked into my wing and yanked me back. The larger one stopped and just watched as the smaller ones batted me around, sharp teeth bit into me and needle claws ripped at my skin and fur.
It was awhile but the no tails lost interest in me when I gave up, instead of the swift death I now begged for the just left me on the hot sun baked rock to bleed to death. I don't know how long I was there, I zoned in and out between dreams and awakening. I woke once to some one carrying me but I slept after that and did not wake again for days and when I did I saw a scruffy looking otter watching me, its eyes did a quick look over me before it pushed me a fish that I ate greedily before falling to sleep again. I know I was there weeks with the otter, slowly healing but I knew I was sick as my mind fell into strange thinking and at times foam came to my mouth as I coughed trying to breath. It was when I was well enough to venture out of my small den did I see there were more otters, and it was then I saw how there eyes were crazed and the fur scruffy and un-kept and how some lay dead in the large network of dens.
I tried to think but I couldn't, a haze in my mind made everything to hard to understand and so I stayed with those otters longer, and though my wounds healed I stayed sick in both body and in mind.
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Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 2:37 pm
'Washed away'
A lot of people say to give up the past, saying it will make your life easier and more simple. In some way they're right, but in many ways that’s the worst thing you can ever do. Your past teaches you how to live the future. I made the mistake of almost throwing that out and just letting things be the way they are. Never stop asking why, never stop trying to change things you think are wrong.
I stayed with them and one day they brought me out to learn where to find food. I was taken to a place by a high flat thing, but beside it was lots and lots of fish, and looking at it something came to life in me and my eyes opened up again to see what was going on. No one fought here because there was nothing to fight about, it was so peaceful here but there was something wrong and I knew it. Looking again I saw the otters were crazed and filthy, there smell like things long dead and I was shocked when I saw myself and saw just what I had become. My white fur was dirty with my own blood mixed with dirt; my wings no longer shined and gleamed in the sun. I looked at my eyes and saw a gleam of what was in the others and it made me sick to my stomach and I puked spewing fish I had eaten before and this time I could taste it, something was wrong with the fish.
I walked up to the wall and looked at the fish finally seeing what I didn't see before. The fish were old and rotting, the ones really old I could see funny green pellets in there and sniffing it I backed up in fear as it smelled worse then death. I looked at the others and tried to tell them to stop eating the fish but I was meet with violence and anger from them to such an extreme I ran, again I ran away from what was around me, but this time I was going back, back to a place where I could still fuzzily remember happy faces and laughing voices. Once more I didn't think but this time it was the fish that helped that to happen. Still, luck seems to fly with the running fool and that’s what I was as I ran on to the rock place and to the river. I didn't stop but to sleep and even as hunger beat at my stomach I kept going. When finally I found I place I just knew, my ribs showed through like unearthed tree branches.
I was filthy and my eyes fevered and worn, my wings were uncared for and my fur I almost forgot had used to be white. I had little time to care as I was seeing home, a small part of me said to go back to the others that it was a life with no pain, but I had no wish to be kept drugged. I knew I looked horrible and also that the first chance I got I would clean up, for so long had it been since I swam and touched cooling water other then to drink. I did not stop to think what others might think of my looks, I did not much care at the moment as everything in me was tired sick and worn. Finally I came back to the little home I knew, but was it still my home I did not know, I only recalled vague faces and smells, thanks to the drugs I lost my memory of the one place that would have saved me my pain.
I know this is not the end of my adventure, and only the start of a new chapter, but I hope I will not fall for such tricks this time. For now I knew I needed to eat clean food if I could learn to catch it, I needed to clean myself best I could as the wound between my wings had yet to heal, and most of all I needed to rest in the clean air and sunlight.
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