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 Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 1:47 pm
**Click the image to return to the main thread!** ~Birth of Lollirot~ ..........To be honest... This doll is just too crazy to write a proper birth story on. I'm not even kidding. It is just so awesome, and so weird, and so unique, that I am at a loss of words... Maybe someday, there will be more than one word to describe this doll... But for now, "delirious" will have to do...Personal Information about Lollirot:Birthdate: February 18th, 2008 Core Emotion: Delirious Gender: Female Hair color: ... All of the above? Eye color: Rich brown fading to Royal blue. Date of first growth: February 22nd Date of second growth: March 13th
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Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 5:00 pm
"We are all candy"
Maybe this is for the best?
Name: Lollirot
Emotion/state of mind: Delirious
Brought to the world by: Guilt, Grief, dashed with naughty things.
Maker: Miss Diana Led
Collects: Peoples used band-aids, Insect antennas, The police lines at accidents, gorey movies, cupcake wrappers, and colorful candies.
Favorite smell: Vanilla and Lime.
Best Friend: Grim
Monologues in: #b2628e
.....To be honest... This doll is just too crazy to write a proper birth story on. I'm not even kidding. It is just so awesome, and so weird, and so unique, that I am at a loss of words... Maybe someday, there will be more than one word to describe this doll... But for now, "delirious" will have to do...
Vudoll to Todoller
Journal Entry setting scene/ Introducing myself
Growth post where Vudoll experiences its core emotion
Todoller to Kidoll
Shown Todolls character with at least four journal posts
Growth post where Todoller experiences its core emotion
Kidoll to Teen
Developed kidolls character in a variety of journal posts (crush, disobeying etc)
At least seven journal posts
Growth post where Kidoll experiences its core emotion
"People I've met..."
Grim: He's really really really cool. He likes fruity things, and has a stomach without a bottom. And his eyes are split. He's my favorite.
Sam: I think I might have to use the adult word for pretty for this guy--Sexy.
Greed: Grim's sister.
Shawn: He asks really random questions. He might have the crazy.
"coated on the outside"
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Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 5:13 pm
"Peel away the shell"
About Miss Led"Who are you, and why the hell are you in my house?"
Name : Miss Diana Led
Age: 27
Birthdate: December 27th
Parents: Mrs. and Mr. Led, Father deceased, mother is of unknown whereabouts.
Current Boyfriend(s) names: Lou, Craig and Jeb.
Ex-Husbands name: Chris
Jobs: Waitress at a seedy restaurant
Favorite Foods: Anything that's smothered in chocolate.
Monologues in: Default/Black
Looks: Her hair is thick and wispy, it curls in strands around her sun-starved face.
She has a growing collection of fancy lipsticks and lipglosses, it's common to see her without coverup, not so much without some sort of bold color on her mouth.
Dark circles already form under her eyes. Her lifestyle has not been kind, Cheek bones, and a portruding colar bone are one of the few things that clearly display her new addictions.
The Past, and enter Lolli:
My lips quivered, I could feel the pupils in my eyes bloated into the Iris, for once, everything felt so clear, so right.
Her life could be described as slime. Her mother whom raised her, was slime, debt had corroded the once upright woman to selling her own body.
All her exes were slime, they oozed into her purse, body, and home leaving all of which empty.
Her apartment was slime, a variety of pills littered the counter tops of the bathroom, enough to make her own pharmacy.
The rooms reeked of spoiled milk, and the heavy fog smoke stayed in the rooms, a window never opened. She didn't want the haze that was the product of the only things that comforted the woman to leave her too.
She was slime.
There was no reason to laugh. It just dripped from my lips like a waterfall--Though it really felt more like falling frogs.Nothing in particular was funny, nor silly about this occasion. But this needed to be laughed at, because tears wouldn't do. As the needle fell from her grasp, the world spun in slow motion. Her eyes, went to her doll before she hit the ground. Crumpled to the floor, her words came in a whispered stutter;
"Welcome home."
"And we're rotten on the inside"
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Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 10:55 pm
Warning: This journal is naughty.
February 18,
2008
"Vulnerable"
'I was alone again.'
Sipping at the bitter alcohol, I almost choked. A loud knocking disturbed my internal self pitying. 'No one ever comes.' I scuttled off the ripping couch. And peaked outside from a gap of the filthy curtains. I immediately recognized the man at the door.
Tap Tap Tap.
Went his left foot. He was impatient.
He looked at the window where I peaked from, not wanting to be seen, I ducked like the coward I am. Keeping low, I prayed for him to leave.
And checked his cellphone for the time, he took advantage of the accursed tool. My phone rang.
Ring Ring Ring
Tap Tap Tap
That familiarly hideous voice came on the speaker.
"Diana. It's me. I'm outside your ******** door. Answer it. Answer the phone. Talk to me."
A pause.
"The Braddock's told me you haven't been to work this week. It's been three years. You're going to get fired again."
When he said that, concern was small, but still there.
"..But you want that to happen? Huh? Huh? You want to live off alimony? b***h! I'm not supporting your hobbies."
Tears mixed with mascara started like a waterfall down my face. I whimpered slightly, but bit my lip. A grown woman shouldn't cry like this.
"I'm not paying your hospital bill. That's your s**t. Get it dealt with Diana. It's ruining mine and Ashley's credit."
An awkward silence.
"Were married now."
I counted the seconds, the recording should end soon.
'Please end.' I whispered.
"Did anything good come out of our marriage?!"
Beeeeeep.
He yelled, so loud I could hear it echo. I knew the other tenants could hear everything.
With one last thump on the door, he left. It was so hard. My teeth rattled.
I grabbed the doll I created off the coffee table. I clutched it so hard against my heart, my nails might've ripped the delicate fabric.
Rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet.
After some time in that vulnerable position, I reached over to the phone.
Message Deleted.
February 19, 2008Name
Bongs are so unusual.
The design is silly, but efficient. And you can buy them in so many pretty colors. Fruit can be even made into little fruit smoke stacks. I like apples.
People have been using bongs since like forever. Buddha used a bamboo bong. I think. Or something. I'm pretty sure the Chinese invented it.
So I'm huffing at this silly Chinese inspired cigarette. That's all it is really. I reusable cigarette.
It's really cold, I should remember not to chill the water next time.
I decided to name the thing I made. The doll thing. I wanted it to be something catchy. Make people think twice if they saw someone with her name on the street. Something artistic, something unusual. Like a bong. No. No. No. Not like a bong. Bongs are for getting high. Everyone knows that.
But what's in a name?
A rose by any other name would be a mutilated sexual plant organ sold six for a dozen on the corner.
And it didn't help my 'Jack off Jill' Playlist was on when I was thinking of names.
I took another hit.
'Lollirot'
It's perfect.
Not to mention it was playing at the time.
I looked at the lifeless doll laying on it's side, The yarns of it's hair hiding her cocky little face.
Suddenly, I went the opposite of what I was trying to achieve.
My smile turned sullen, and I remembered who stopped by to visit yesterday.
Gently I lifted the dolls hair out of it's marble eyes.
"You're made out of her. Y'know that Lolli? She would've loved you. "
I took one more hit, and laughed.
This wasn't a time to be sad. No. It's a celebration, of a new name. A new life. February 20, 2008Work
You should be proud of me, diary.
I went to work today.
I wore the stupid little uniform, wore my hair in the stupid ponytails, took stupid orders, from equally stupid people.
It's true, the establishment I work for is not for the most elegent of folks. Women who come for a drink are nonexistant.
Usually the men who come for a drink are having marital problems, looking to gawk at the 'performing' women. Did I mention the uniforms?
There so short, you could see bum.
Literally.
Little pleated skirts and matching panties was not the answer I gave to my teachers in school when they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.
Well, I'm grown up.
Working an 'honest' job.
At a gentlemens club.
I do have some decency, I'm not stripping my pride for the hungry eyes of dirty men. I might be tight on money, but going on the stage would feel to much like my sister.
Being a waitress, is atleast one step above.
Nah. I lied, diary.
I just tell myself that to help me sleep at night.
But yes, I did go to work today.
Me and Lollirot should take a hit to celebrate this accomplishment.
Heehee, I was just kidding. Lollirot is much to young to be soiled like that.
I don't know how to explain it, but lately, I've been having trouble getting my kicks when I'm around her. My doll.
I didn't at first.
It's gotten so bad, that I made a bed for her out of a clothes basket, towels, and a flat pillow.
When I look in the buttons eyes, I get an unnerving feeling. I've made it a point to tuck Lollirot in before I take hits. Or atleast smother her with the towel blanket.
I have tomorrow off.
I wonder what I'll do?
February 21, 2008Preparation
Hm.
Apparently with my week of absence, I didn't get today-Thursday-Off.
Which was okay, they put me on before opening hours.
I wouldn't have gone in today, but apparently I need to money to function in society.
So during my break, Lou called me on my cell phone.
I don't really like him, he's one of those homely guys with a stable job, and a care that's a nicer ride than him. He said he wanted to take me out to dinner, but I politely declined by breaking up with him.
But it's okay. I break up with him all the time--It's become kind of a game. He expects it, and he usually has my 'Take me back' present already ready.
Seeing someone better than me, grovel to have me, makes a girl feel good.
Important.
Any other day, I would have had dinner with Lou.
But tonight I had a date with a stranger.
Because tomorrow was her anniversary.
And after talking with a man, he assured he can get me something so pure and legit, it'll be like taking a whole week's worth of hits.
I was suspicious at first but he assured me it would give me a good time.
After looking at the price, It better give me a good time.
After work, I immediately went behind this one haughty designer club. The kind with seizure inducing lights and brainless beats. Someone was waiting for me, like he said.
"You Led?" Asked the stranger.
"Miss Led." I corrected.
After the customer/merchant of slime formalities were done and over with, he handed me the heavy manilla folder.
"This is heavy s**t." He warned.
"Just like the doctor prescribed."
I smiled the first natural smile I've had in months, and inspected the contents. After making sure everything was there, I made my way back to the apartment.
I called into work, telling them I wasn't feeling well. But they agreed to cover me after remembering whose anniversery it was tomorrow.
Motherly, they told me take it easy.
I laughed and told them I'd see them at work next time I came in.
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 11:47 pm
CELEBRATION
I coughed, choking on it's fumes. It was so sweet, the sweetest thing I've ever had the chance to inhale. I've never taken a deliriant before, but I was promised it was a trip.
And I like trying new things.
It was actually a drug cocktail with a base of morphine. I've never cared for sedatives that much, but if it was like this, I might give it another chance.
childhood living is easy to do
the things you wanted i bought them for you
Her favorite song had been put on repeat. She loved this song, mostly because it had to do with horses. And oh, how she loved horses.
Glancing at my surroundings, some of her possessions laid scattered. Her old shoes had been dusted off and hung delicately on a lampshade.
She loved costume jewelry. The gaudier the better, over sized Mardi Gra necklaces draped over every surface. Even her favorite stuffed animals had joined the party, each with their own party hat.
The tiny living room looked festive, and bright, and to mask the musk of the concoctions, Vanilla incense was lit to dilute the smell.
The newest member of the stuffed animal party sat very still, her mouth gagged with the tape. Her head was the only one devoid of a hat.
It would have been inappropriate for the Doll, Lollirot, to have a hat. She wasn't invited. But it would be rude to send her away, or tuck her in early. Adding to the fact that the Green elephant-Mippopulous-had a rather lumpy head, and needed two hats, or he would have been to embarrassed to show up..
graceless lady you know who i am
you know i can't let you slide through my hands
..Speaking of showing up, there seemed to be a lot more guests coming in. I could've sworn I didn't open the door, but a crowd seemed to have gathered.
Confused at first, I was going to ask them to leave.
Some I remotely knew. I recognized some of the dolls that had been in her class.
Another porcelain guest had a cracked face, and missing a piece of her glass eye. This guest was courteous, and even did a small curtsy. I was going to ask the doll what had happened to it's eye, but when I opened my mouth to speak, I instantly flashed back to her. Her fingers were to small, or the antiqued doll was to heavy, because after a few moments of awe over it's craftsmanship, it had fallen into shattered pieces.
The antique showed no ill-will, and I was relieved.
Everything I remember her touching was there, for her party. Everything she had ever owned.
All the coloring pages she scribbled on, wallpapered the walls, even the ceilings. It was so pretty. Every color of the rainbow was bled onto the walls. With every kind of medium a girl of her age could have.
Crayons, Finger paints, Gel Pens even chalk, danced around.
The floating art supplies was very careful not to touch the walls or the ceiling.
But they danced and colored the empty space of the third dimension.
Such a silly silly thing they were doing.
I giggled uncontrollably, like I did when she was around.
wild horses couldn't drag me away,
wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away
The chorus sent a spark of electricity through my spine.
All the guests she didn't invite were gone, and only the original doll lay on the table.
Were they hiding?
I closed my eyes, counted to three, than opened.
Nope
I must have been hallucinating them gone. Everyone was still there. Still dancing and smiling and having so much fun.
Some of the guests were broken, and had a hard time getting around. But the ones who weren't were kind, and helped the guests.
"This is the way the world should be!"
I smiled. I smiled at the shear perfection of them, I smiled at their imperfections, I smiled at how beautiful things were.
Not a thing wasn't smiling.
Probably for the same reasons.
My hearty followed the rhythm at the beating pace of the song.
But inside I knew. Inside I knew that the other place was wrong. That that place which was full of responsibility and guilt had it all wrong. It was broken. Like the doll with the missing eye piece.
i watched you suffer a dull aching pain
now you've decided to show me the same
Suddenly I thought of Chris. It was heartbreaking. I still loved him, without a doubt. And I knew that he didn't hate me once upon a time.
He loved her too. He loved her a lot, and I wondered why I didn't invite him.
I shouldv'e invited him to the party when he dropped by on Monday. But than again, he seemed angry at me. It would have been improper to ask him to come to something like this.
A part of me wondered if he could see the world I was seeing--The real one. The one with such enthused and animated childhood idols.
I tried to dial his number, but the numbers turned fuzzy, and turned to alien symbols. After hopping off the phone, they joined the party.
"How am I supposed to call him if I can't find his numbers?"
I asked the crowd, some shrugged, and some spoke in soft whispers.
Punching in the buttons, I hoped I hit all the right ones.
I held the phone to my ears.
"Hello?"
Said his voice.
"Hiiiiiiiiii."
"...Diana?"
"Yesssssss!"
"Oh god. What have you been taking?"
"Hmn? Nothing. I was just.. just... just.. there's a word.."
"You sound horrible."
"That's not the word. It was a better one, a sweeter one--"
"Diana, I'm going to call an ambulance."
"You can come too. I think someone brought some more hats.."
"Hats?"
"Party hats."
"Is someone there?"
"Yessssss!"
"Who?"
"Everyone!"
I giggled insanely. Everyone was already here, so Chris might come too.
"You need help Diana. Let me help you."
My hand slipped, ending the conversation.
no sweeping exits or offstage lines
could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
'Oh well.'
"He'll just have to miss all the fun."
For some reason, the guests seemed relieved.
Things happend like this for hours and hours.
My eyes were heavy, and the glitter of the party seemed to fade.
Several of the guests had said their good byes, and some left without them. I curled up onto the floor. My eyelids were heavy.
Like ghosts, everyone left. Even the wallpaper.
Curling up on the couch, I waved goodbye to everyone.
Than I noticed Lollirot.
She was the only guest (Invited or not) who did not move. Not even blink her little button eyes.
Silently, I grabbed her by a fold of her back, and like a child one third my ages, drifted off to sleep. Doll in hand.
wild horses couldn't drag me away,
wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day
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Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 1:12 pm
February 24, 2008
Speak easy
"Hmns nee!" I cried. On my stubbly legs, I clinged to the ladies leg. "Hmmmnnsss neee!!!" I shouted through the police line.
She looked at me, for a very long time, without a face of happy or mad. But once it seemed like she remembered me, she shook me off her leg.
She shouted angry things, than laughed a lot. Since she was laughing, she mustv'e been happy about something.
The lady tripped into the place where food was made, and pulled herself onto the tables that connected to the walls.
She got a fistful of black hair, and tugged at it. It mustv'e been naughty hair. She was much to big to fit in something so little, so she had to hunch her head into her knees.
My legs were like little worms. and it was hard to keep them straight. It felt they were made out of pillows, but I got to her hiding space in the kitchen.
She started saying big words, that I didn't know.
Trying my hardest, I tried to reach up to the lady. Since she looked like she needed a hug. And I think I'd be good at giving hugs.
We stared at eachother, until she finally stopped breathing so loud.
One long pale leg at a time, she climbed down. (Not after hitting her head though)
She picked me up by the arm, and looked at me more. I didn't like how much looking we were doing, and not enough cuddling.
"Hmmmmnnn neeee!" I said again. Maybe she'd get the message now.
With caution, she untied the tape from my mouth, it drifted to the ground.
"Hmmmmnns neeeeeeee~" I said again, my mouth uncovered.
I was still groggy from the 'party'. My eyes were unusually sullen, and I was dizzier than usual. I didn't bother going into work today. But that's okay, they couldn't fire me.
They love me to much.
I rolled over on the floor. I thought I went to my sleep on my bed, but floors work too.
I heard something scuffling. Probably some rodent--I'd have to call pest control later.
"Hmns nee!" I heard. It sounded gagged, THAT was wierd. I propped myself up and looked around.
I nearly jumped when I felt something soft wrap around my leg. It was Lollirot. That doll I made.
It didn't register that she had moved from the coffee table to my leg, we had a staring contest. and after a slow blink in her unnerving human like eyes, something snapped. "Hmmmnnsss neee!!!" It screamed.
I kicked the possessed doll off my leg, it landing with a thud on her side.
I felt myself laughing.
I've been laughing a lot since I made this thing.
It was so funny, deliriants must have one hell of a side effect, because this didn't feel like a hallucination.
I ran into the kitchen. There was a phone in there. I could call ghost busters or something.
"What the hell is the number for Ghost Busters? Should I call Chris? FBI? CIA? Rockwell? Or was it Roswell? Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod..."
I ran to the phone that hung up on the wall.
But the thing had followed me.
Clumsy, I crawled on the counter tops. And yanked my hair. Hopefully to wake me up from this crazy nightmare.
What kind of monster did I make?
I than realized I was hyperventilating. I held my breath, counted to five, and tried to even myself.
I couldn't live on a counter.
"What the hell are you?"
I asked, confused over the little doll.
Climbing down, I knocked my skull against one of the cabinets, I definitely felt that, so it couldn't be a dream.
I picked her up, and she blinked and smiled that horrible little smile, "Hmmmmnnn neeee!" It said. Since the Police line had muffled her words, maybe she had something intelligent to say?
Cautiously, I peeled off the tape, it crumpling to the ground. Than I waited for what she needed to say come out.
"Hmmmmnns neeeeeeee~"
Well, whatever it was, was obviously not used to something called Language.
February 25, 2008
Playing School
The lady put a basket on top of me, and two over sized phone books locking it in. I think we were playing some kind of pretend.
She was walking back on forth. She didn't look necessarily mad, but something close to it. Like Mad's cousin or something.
"I must be going crazy."
She muttered, but most of the stuff was hard to understand. I didn't know where crazy was, but it didn't look like a fun place to go.
She knelt down next to my plastic pretend prison, and looked kind of shaky.
"Lollirot?" She asked. I cocked my head, why was she asking me for my name? She already gave it to me, and I liked it. I didn't want her to take it back!
In response, I thudded my chest with my palms.
"Can you talk?"
I looked at her funny. She talked, so why couldn't I? She was so silly!
"Jeha." I said proudly.
"Jeha?"
"Jeha."
She sure was interested in taking my words. I'm not sure if I like copycats.
My maker tugged at a clump of her hair again, and blinked.
"Diana." She said, palming her heart.
"Dee-Anya." I mimicked. If 'Diana' wanted to take my words, I'll take hers too.
"What is Lollirot?"
"Lolleeerot."
"Can you talk?"
"Cannn YOU talk?" I giggled, wanting Diana to be impressed with my parotting skills.
I couldn't tell if she was happy, or mad, but her expression did change. It wasn't related to mad anymore. I could tell that.
She got up, and went to a box. I remember the box, 'cause that's where she put all the toys earlier.
Coming back, she almost smiled, as she relieved the basket from ontop of me. I guess we weren't gonna play pretend after all. Diana than ushered me over to her. I really liked her, and maybe we could cuddle if she wasn't going to crazy.
The book was filled with pictures, and words. I touched each page, tearing the corner on one.
"Repeat these words, Lolli. Than point to the picture."
Was she trying to teach me something? Nah, we are probably just playing school.
But I'll play along!
February 26, 2008
Antenna!
It was hard, but we got a lot of words and phrases down. The doll is really intelligent, but a little wierd.
This morning I saw her removing a 'roaches antenna, and giving it to me.
A disgustingly sweet gesture.
"Present for you!" She'd say, before scrambling off to find another insect to torture.
I wondered for a long time what Lollirot had become, but for some reason it felt like if I knew, the doll would disappear.
Like her.
So I stopped wondering, and my maternal instincts took over. I noticed that she had a hard time grasping something, so I removed the pins from her hands, the stuffing oozed out of the two rips.
Remembering my High School Home Ec years, I dripped the clear gooey nail polish on the tears, sealing it.
Lollirot seemed to like it, since it was glossy and sticky.
"Inco-pleet." She told me, as I was cleaning the kitchen.
(Something I had taken up recently. Followed by systematically baby-proofing the dingy apartment.
She clung to my calves and thought about what she meant.
"How?"
Lolli pointed at her mouth. Where the Police line had covered.
Since she was born with it, she mustv'e felt something missing.
I had laid it on top of the coffee table after our first encounter. Luckily my spring cleaning hadn't spread out to the living room yet.
Gingerly, I picked her up and tied it in her hair.
She looked amused, and insisted later on that day to watch herself in the mirror.
February 28, 2008
Who was 'She'?
"Whhheeeee!"
I squealed, I found a bunch of dolls packed away in boxes. Being the good girl that I am, I freed them. Most were smaller than me, but some were almost twice my size. Currently, a sock monkey with a rag as cape was flying off to save a damsel in distress.
He was fast--So I had to run to keep up with him, or he'd fly right out of my hand.
Flying, he had to do a back flip, or seven. So I through him up in the air, his form curling up in the air. Giggling, as it twisted.
On his own, the monkey landed across a lamp, wrapping around it and tripping it. In slow motion it shattered to the ground. The shards flying everywhere. The monkey crumpled to the ground, it's body bursting with glass.
I clutched my sides in laughter. "Dee-Ana! Dee-Ana!" [that's what I called her when she wanted something] I called, wanting her to come see our fallen friend.
She came in, mop in hand. Her face went from worried, to something that of anger. Tip-toeing over the glass, she collected the Monkey.
"This was Her's! This was Her's!" She said over and over again, she shook a finger angrily at me.
I was scared, I thought she'd laugh since monkey's don't usually come with glass organs.
"I'll buy you your own toys, just don't touch Hers!"
Later that night, I noticed that before I was tucked into my hamper pillow-bed, all the boxes and neat toys were re-packed in the boxes and locked away in a closet.
I felt a little sad, because I didn't know why 'She' couldn't share.
February 29, 2009
Sleepless
It was a disturbing sight to see 'Her' toys, abused like that. Especially covered in glass like she had been. So, I had locked away the toys to when Lollirot was asleep.
Around Ten at night, when I was sure that she was tucked in, (Since even demonic dolls need a little TLC) I went to work. I decided that I wasn't going to tell anyone about her, since they'd think of me insane if I did.
After taking the late shift, and exhausted after a particularly long and grabby night at the Club, I crawled into bed.
The unwanted sun had already started to flood into our shared bedroom. Closing my eyes, and rolling to my side I heard the doll shrieking.
"Sun's up! Sun's up! Get up! Get up! SUUUUUUUNNNN'SSSS UUPPPP!"
I growled at the doll, but she took it as comedy. She laughed, and jiggled the plastic bars of her hamper crib.
A series of 'Dee-Ana's were whined after that.
"Shhh! I'm going to bed." I threw a soft decorative pillow in her direction on instinct.
She laughed hysterically, and made herself as noisy as possible.
I was so tired I felt like crying.
I tried to use my pillow as ear-plugs.
"Make yourself into coffee, and GET UP!" She screached.
I did as she commanded.
Apparently today was going to be a long day.
Aching, I got up from my comfortable position, and freed Lollirot.
She squealed like a madwoman, and ran to various rooms of the apartment.
Rolling my eyes, I scuffled off to make a pot of coffee.
As I sipped at the hot bitter liquid, my eyes groggy, the caffeine still hadn't kicked in. I've been awake for more than twenty five hours and counting.
In my mind I pleaded for Lollirot to be quiet. My head and body felt unnaturally light, a byproduct of sleeplessness.
I knew I would have to call off work. Again. Today.
How did I still have a job?
I shook from exaustion, praying for the doll to stop smiling and laughing happily. Praying for her to sit still, but a maternal instinct has taken over me; Seeing her happy is worth a coffee-overdose.
March 2, 2008
Insanity
I was watching the move-y pictures box. They all were singing and dancing to a catchy tune. And every now and than the girl in the show would break into 'spanish'. Apparently there were a lot of words for the same things.
Diana was in the kitchen, her eyes looked swollen like on the TV when that one guy got stung by a bee. It looked like that. She was biting her lip, and the red water dripped down her chin.
She hung up the phone, and rushed herself into her bedroom. Pulling out a bag, and putting her clothes in it. She was shaking. Like she did when she was tired that one day.
Drifting from one room to the next, she put basic stuff into her suitcase.
I couldn't focus on the girl with her boot-clad monkey anymore and went to see if Diana needed help.
"Dee-Ana?" I asked.
Her eyes were wide, and her face resembled the day I could finally get up and give her a hug.
Every few seconds she'd look at the window, "We gotta go somewhere else for awhile. That b*****d Chris thinks I need help. I'm not insane. I'm not insane. I'm not insane.." She repeated the phrase as she paced through our apartment.
She found the boxes that she hid up high, and peeled the tape off the lids. Her hands scavenged at the dusty toys, clothes and pictures, at the bottom something in a frame she threw it to the top of her suitcase.
She skittered off to the bathroom. That is one place I wasn't allowed to go, because it was 'dirty.'
She began flooding a lot of chalky candies into the toilet. Than things that looked like stamps, and some stuff that looked like sugar. She was crying now. It was probably because I wasn't helping her.
I should give her a hug, it makes the people on TV feel better.
When we head the clinkering of metal drive by the house, she ran up and peaked out the window. She sighed in relief, and turned back around.
"Chris sent some people to make sure I'm not going crazy, Lolli." She said, matter-of-factly. "I called for one of my friends to come and take us to her house for awhile."
Another car drived by, she looked scared.
"Where's crazy?" I asked.
"Hopefully not in my head."
I was confused, but before I could ask another question, a car noisily parked outside of the complex. She shoved me in her jacket's pocket, and with suitcase in tow, left outside.
Now, I have never been outside before like right now. But everything smelt a lot cleaner, and the lint did seem greener on the other side!
"We're gonna play a game Lolli." She said fleeing down the stairs. "Your'e gonna be very still and quiet. And if you do, you can have anything you want if yo--" "Can I have an animal?" I interrupted, excited. "Yeah. But if you don't, you're going to have to sleep in the sink from now on." She threatended.
I didn't like the sink, it always dripped when it shouldv'e dropped, and it smelt of eggs. And I didn't think I liked the smell of eggs.
But I do like games, games are fun. So I agreed, on the grounds that me and Diana never play enough games.
She almost tripped over her heels, the pockets were deep, but I almost fell out of it. I didn't know why she was running in those shoes. But it mustv'e been part of the game. I didn't know there was a ride to it--Diana always thinks of such clever things.
She waved at the driver, who I couldn't see, and put the suitcase into the popped butt of the car.
She crawled into the drivers seat. I could hear her trying to even her breath, and succeeding. "Thanks Jessi. Chris has finally snapped, and called a freakin' crazy house on me." They both laughed.
I wished I could see the other lady, because her voice sounded weird.
The car drove off.
"You can stay at my place for tonight. But ah think you should take up Chris's offer. He's wiling to pay."
Diana looked shocked, and angry.
"What can you be saying? I'm not insane! I admit I take some drugs some of the times, but I'm not addicted. It's just a pain reliever."
The other lady sounded motherly, with her man-voice.
"Darlin' youv'e been like a daughter to me. Perdy as ah ladybird, but you has some problems." Diana tried to open her mouth to speak, I could tell she was angry.
"Ever since you call'd 'im on your little girls birfday, E's been worrying hisself sick over you." Diana looked down, I couldn't tell what she was feeling.
"And at work--That one night you came in. You told me about some doll. Some talkin' thing." I smiled inwardly, I knew they were talking about me.
"But Lollirot--The doll--She does talk! She does. I'll show you."
She pulled me out, and I lay limp in her hands. I didn't want to spoil the game. She shook me, but my head just rolled back.
"Come on Lolli, we're not playing anymore. Come on. Come on. Come on."
She shook me harder, and the lady with the husky man-voice raised an eyebrow.
"Darlin' she's not real."
Diana's fingers curled around my stomach. Squeezing me.
"Why are you doing this!? I'm okay, I'm okay... I'm not crazy." She started shaking uncontrollably.
With a loud slap, the woman named Jessi slapped Diana across the face.
Diana began sobbing. Putting me in her lap.
"Honey. You need help."
Diana nodded slowly.
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Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 10:36 pm
Paper Flowers
Diana was so sad. So so so sad, that it didn't seem real.
Thus I knew that she was faking it. She was testing me, to see if I would break. But I'm as stubborn as I am cuddly. So I didn't even give in.
Her mascara ran faster and further than any of the long-legged men on the television. Soon her wrists and the back of her hands were black with make-up.
She even tugged and pulled at her hair, as the lady with the voice of a dog was calling someone.
The car was parked, and the other woman's jacket was on my makers shoulders.
Before long we saw a silent white vehicle. It had christmas lights on the top, and no one seemed to talk.
"Lollirot. You're real right?" She asked. We both knew I was real, so I remained stern with our game of pretend. She began stroking my head, like how the new mommies on TV would touch their babies.
It was soft, and nice. Why couldn't we cuddle more often? I'd have to get her more buggy things as a 'Thank You' gift.
"I don't think I told you this, Lolli, but I had a baby once."
I didn't know why she was telling me this, I was already her baby. I knew I was here.
"And she died. We were driving home from her ballet class. And it was raining."
Water dripped from her eyes, but it wasn't the animated and shaky hair-pulling cry from before.
"The car started hydroplaning. I didn't know. I-I-I didn't know." She held me to her chest. I didn't know what hydroplaning was, but apparently Diana didn't know what it was either. So I didn't ask.
A man rapped his knuckles on the pane of the glass. He was dark, and in white clothes. Opening the door, he helped Diana out of the car. But when her foot stepped out she didn't look like Diana anymore. Like something left. Maybe pride. Maybe she caught the crazy when he helped her out. But her current stupor was unlike Diana.
I slipped off her lap as the door closed, cutting me off from my maker.
Her eyes looked hallow, and I noticed a lot of things I didn't before. Little things. In our house her nose was straight, but now it looked pinched, and the soft curve of her cheek bones was sharp. The thick nest of black was thin, and graying. And her womanly curves disappeared behind a skeletal mess.
Did Diana always look like that?
I don't remember her ever looking that beautiful.
He walked her to the white car. It looked like a box. The shape reminded me of how she put all the toys in them, and hid them away in the closet.
Was the crazy one big closet? Because I could barely reach the closet handle on the stool. I don't think I could reach the knob on a closet big enough to fix the box Diana was going to.
Speaking of Diana going, why wasn't I going too? She promised that we'd be together, but I wasn't in the box. I was still in the car. That was fishy!
I crawled into the back seat, and hung out in the back window, watching her, she looked so pretty her head in her hands. I wanted to tell her that.
Thrashing violently, I wanted her to notice me. I waved and I waved, and I think I caught her attention. Because she stood up and pointed at me, and looked at the men. She seemed to be speaking really really loud, because everyone looked up. But they mustv'e not liked what she was saying. I had a feeling it was about me because we didn't lose eye-contact.
People started ganging up on her. It looked violent, but I know Diana is valiant, and got away.
But only for a few steps.
Before she was pulled back and I couldn't see her anymore. I almost panicked because I have never been able to not see her, except when she was at work. But she never went to work like this.
I banged at the glass, but to no avail. She was stuffed inside the boxy-car, like the glass-covered monkey.
The lights flashed, and the white box drove away with Diana.
Than I felt something--Something I couldn't describe.
And for the first time.. After seeing so many example from Diana, I got angry, and felt something else, that I couldn't define.
I unlocked the door with the little ball, and tried pushing the heavy door open, it only opened a few inches. But luckily I'm made of pillows, and not bones or organs.
Sliding out, I felt so lost.
I looked around, and hid under the ugly-voiced womans car, trying to make sense of things. Wishing that someone would come and give me a hug.
I heard a heavy purr, and the vehicle above me crept away.
Now I was really alone.
Than something caught my attention, it wiggled off into a gutter.
"Buggy!" I squealed, preparing to collect it's antennas.
All but forgetting what just happened.
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Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 4:03 pm
March 14, 2008"Sugar Mommy"
I still felt saltwater in my hair from the previous day's activity. I made a mental note to not forget that day, but I'll probably end up forgetting to even write the mental not, and in return forget the day as well.
Sleeping on the street was hard on my back. And several of my seems have become unraveled. But that night I tried my hardest to fall asleep, but it didn't come gracefully.
Lights would flicker, and the occasional car would rattle on by. It was an awful experience and I wanted the lady whose name started with 'D' to come back from crazy and fix up my hamper, and tuck me in.
When it reached into the early hours of the morning, I crawled out from underneath the park bench. A lot of people who were art stared at me funny, or laughed. It was probably because I was a doll. I shuddered, hating that word. Lollirot was Lollirot, not a doll. But that's what I resembled nonetheless.
And most dolls would be tucked in by now.
It was so cold, that I found an old blanket that was thrown out from behind a hotel
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a real pretty lady exiting the hotel. She wore a shirt that that showed off her protruding ribs, and boots that looked shined with oil. On first impression, I felt that I needed to go talk to her.
The blanket draping over me, I crept toward the flaming haired woman. I mustv'e looked really pitiful because when she saw me, she cooed like dove. And told me that I shouldn't be walking around naked. Since there was so many naughty men out at this time.
If that was so, why was she walking around half-dressed?
But it didn't matter, she scooped me up, and made sure her jacket was covering me. She heaved at first, I didn't realize I was so heavy that she needed two arms to hold me.
She called a yellow car, and it picked us up.
I wanted to talk to her, but I was so tired. Whenever I tried to say something it came out a marbled nonsense.
She asked me for my name, though hesitant, I allowed her to have it. I felt like I could share it with her. She than asked me where I lived, and where my mommy was.
"I don't have a mommy."
She nodded, fully understanding. It was a nice feeling not being bombarded with questions.
She lived on the upper story of the apartment, and because she had forgotten the keys, we went up from the fire escape. I felt kind of privileged because of how robust the creeking rotted stairs up to her house was.
The light outside her door was orange, and played a lot of tricks on the eyes. Like how her lips looked perfectly red in this light. Like the untouched crayon color.
The inside of her house was breathable, but it was very cluttery. Dishes were scattered on every available surface, on clothes and handbags were in piles on the floor.
"So tell me.. where did your'e clothes go?" She said, looking down at me, huddled pathetically in her jacket.
I shrugged, if I had clothes, they were gone now.
She sighed, and leaned back into the sofa. Thinking, she pretended to stroke a beard. "I could drop you off at the Police Station. But they'd think I was crazy."
I almost screamed. "No! Than don't." I didn't like anyone going to crazy. Because the last time someone went there, they didn't come back. And this lady was to nice to leave behind her cups and her clothes.
"Can't I stay with you?" I asked selfishly. She looked down at me, and didn't say anything. I grabbed at her hand, holding it. "I'll be a good girl." I begged. I didn't like sleeping under park benches.
"Just for a little while. I don't wanna get caught harboring a runaway." I didn't know what that meant, but that was okay. If I needed to know, I would.
"My name is Abbey Tress." She gave her name so willingly, I didn't want it. But she gave it, so now deep in my heart I owned a piece of her name as well.
"First thing tomorrow, we have to go clothes shopping."
I looked at her wierd, I don't remember having clothes, much less fitting into them.
April 19, 2008
"Dress up!"
The lady who picked me up that night has been real busy. During the day and also at night. Apparently she has two jobs, and soon to be three. I don't really know why she has to have so many jobs, she just does.
She works as a nurse at a nearby hospital, but only part-time. She dresses all white, and has her so tight, it stretches her face. I think she looks so ugly when she's like that. I tell her that, and she agrees.
But when she goes out on her night job, she looks gorgeous. Her eye make-up is heavy and smoky and her lips are bare. The clothes she wears are tight and short, I like this uniform much better on her.
She reminds me of like an othello coin.
"Viviiiii~" I called out from the hallway of our small apartment. "Who are you today?" I already knew the answer.
Vivi was what I called her at night, and Abbey in the morning.
It's been straining having to use my sentences. Everytime I talk, or have to listen to someone, it sounds like their sputtering a math problem. I get confused a lot, and though I'd like to talk more, I don't.
She leaned out from the door way of the bathroom, her hair dripping, curls starting to form. "I told you Lollipop, I'm the same person."
This was a constant argument, and the fact that she called me lollipop was an insult.
Mommy went back to making herself pretty. Steam from the shower escaped the tiny bathroom and enveloped the hallway.
Stalking into the bathroom, Vivi was expertly applying her eyeliner in a foggy mirror, I didn't know how she could do that, but she did.
I sat my head on the counter, watching her transform herself. Picturing Vivi like a worm becoming a butterfly. It was cold, and little beads of water rose on the surface.
Glancing down at my opaque reflection of the counter, I could feel an emotion that I didn't know. It was like wanting.. but hurt a little more.
"I wanna be pretty too"
My self-proclaimed mother looked down on me, her eye liner and mascara complete. Vivi threaded her thin fingers through a basket of beauty products and found a bright pink nail polish. "Wanna paint your nails?" She asked.
Cocking my head at her, I wondered if she had the crazy. Because I would look silly if my fingers were covered in the pink.
She filed back into the basket and I moment later a lime green had surfaced. "How about two colors? It'll be pretty." She reassured me.
She was an expert on pretty, so I followed her advice. Gingerly I spread out my fingers for her to paint them. Casually, with smooth strokes every other fingernail had a thick coating of pink. I wondered if she was going to go all the way down to my knuckles but she didn't. Lime followed closely.
She blew on my nails gently, so I blew on the opposite hand. Once dryed, I looked back, oogling my escalating pretty levels.
"Sit on the toilet." She commanded, pointing to it. Following the instructions, in the same pattern as my fingers she did my toes.
"I like it!" I exclaimed hugging the towel-clad beauty expert tightly. She laughed and told me to get out.
She had to get ready for work.
May 5, 2008
Cinco De Mayo
Vivi always shared her toys. They were really old, and with matted hair, but it didn't matter. With chewed hands, and vinyl afro'd hair, they walked, silent, their voices and mannerisms in my head.
Suddenly, the wail of a banshee sounded through the walls. It caused me to drop the Barbies, and scan the area.
The neighbors in the complex next door screamed, I thought something was very scary outside. Vivi, who was working her job, wasn't home. Nervously I peaked through the window. Who knew, the monster might've liked me. I like me, so why not? Peaking through the dirty curtains, my neighbors talked very fast. In words I didn't understand. They had a daughter who was taller than me, and I spotted her in the scene. They laughed, with warm and inviting chuckles, as they pulled out silvery cans. The neighbor girl ran around talking fast to as many people as she could. She dressed weird. I liked it, but it was obvious that she didn't. Gingerly, I let myself out of my adopted house, and joined the party.
They looked and pointed at me, tugging at my hair, I ventured further into the people loitering in front of the apartment. I heard them laughing not the warm drunken laughter of before, but laughs that were twisted and knifelike.
The girl looked at me, and came up next to me. "They don't like your hair." She said. I looked at her face, and noticed a mustache. Immediately I wondered why a mustache was acceptable on a girl, but not pretty hair. The hallway was getting cramped, and if people didn't appreciate my hair, I wouldn't appreciate them. Flipping my head back, I turned and went back home.
"What's school?"
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