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Poetry is what gets lost in translation ~Robert Frost~

Tags: poetry, writting, lyrics, haiku, poem

[[POETRY]] - {{Misc.}}

Poems

Deutsch_Vetis

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Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 1:40 pm

Never

You are the reason I rise for the sun in the east
I never want that to cease,
This feeling to me is new
I never want to leave you,
As I hold you in my arms
I never will allow you harm,
My love for you will never die
I never want our love to be a lie,
Just you being with me makes me smile
I never want to be away from you even a mile,
I love being the first person you see in the morning
I never want this to be just a thing,
You are the most perfect girl i see
I never want it to be just me.

Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 5:09 pm

Mother

Are you happy mother?
You succeed in leaving scars.
How will you bear it, when I am a father?
I hope you enjoy seeing my life from afar.
What will you do when I say “yes mother” to another?
One day I will be free of your tar.
Do you not understand that I would die for her?
Maybe one day you will see who we are.
Are you happy mother?
I hope you can live with what you have done forever.

Deutsch_Vetis

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LunarHybrid
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 1:41 am

I liked "Mother" a bit better than "Never", it had more of a flow to it. From the sounds of it, just like myself, you are struggling with rhyming. The best piece of advice I can give is: Don't try to force it, let it come to you and it will flow and make sense. Don't get me wrong, I can feel your emotion in "Never", the flow is just a little messy. Don't feel bad either, rhyming is very difficult (in my opinion).

Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 2:04 pm

I think Lunar is right. Your work is good, but it seems like you're forcing it inro this pattern, and it doesn't come out right. Try a free-er pattern than aabbccdd, maybe abab or abcb. If every line has to rhyme, you start to run out of words fast.

Silver Wingling
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